Sunday, February 29, 2004
Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel XXI
The mood was somber at the chapel as the unfinished wedding had left behind many reminders of its failure. One of those remnants was the robe worn by Mr. Codswallop and his accomplice Cedric Codswallop. Charles Stuart, in a fit of uncontrollable rage, had ordered the robe incinerated.
Charles Stuart: We have been foiled by those two nitwits, Codswallop and Flapdoodle. This humiliation will not go unanswered.
Uncle Cyrus: I have got the police tracking them down even as we speak. The will be incarcerated very shortly.
Charles: You fool! Do you not realize that the average police constable is an imbecile who can barely function without constant orders.
Uncle Cyrus: Do you not feel you are being unduly harsh?
Charles: No, I am not being harsh. These supposed officers of the law have already failed us.
Uncle Cyrus: How do you draw that rather dismal conclusion?
Charles: The officer I had sent to arrest those ninnies has been duped by them, if such a thing were humanly possible.
Uncle Cyrus: Well, they did manage to foil the wedding plans.
Charles: Silence! You will join them in their pain if you fail to maintain a proper tongue in your head.
Uncle Cyrus: They will not get far. They are rather predictable in their actions.
Charles: That may be so, but as of now, we have been left in the dark by their rather unorthodox activities.
Uncle Cyrus: If I know my nephew, he will be simply returning to the airport once again. He will be easily apprehended this time.
Charles: We must make certain that they are kept in captivity.
Uncle Cyrus: We can not let them out to answer nature's call.
Charles: They can hold it or pay to replace the seats next time. We will not fail. Comments
Charles Stuart: We have been foiled by those two nitwits, Codswallop and Flapdoodle. This humiliation will not go unanswered.
Uncle Cyrus: I have got the police tracking them down even as we speak. The will be incarcerated very shortly.
Charles: You fool! Do you not realize that the average police constable is an imbecile who can barely function without constant orders.
Uncle Cyrus: Do you not feel you are being unduly harsh?
Charles: No, I am not being harsh. These supposed officers of the law have already failed us.
Uncle Cyrus: How do you draw that rather dismal conclusion?
Charles: The officer I had sent to arrest those ninnies has been duped by them, if such a thing were humanly possible.
Uncle Cyrus: Well, they did manage to foil the wedding plans.
Charles: Silence! You will join them in their pain if you fail to maintain a proper tongue in your head.
Uncle Cyrus: They will not get far. They are rather predictable in their actions.
Charles: That may be so, but as of now, we have been left in the dark by their rather unorthodox activities.
Uncle Cyrus: If I know my nephew, he will be simply returning to the airport once again. He will be easily apprehended this time.
Charles: We must make certain that they are kept in captivity.
Uncle Cyrus: We can not let them out to answer nature's call.
Charles: They can hold it or pay to replace the seats next time. We will not fail. Comments
Saturday, February 28, 2004
Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel XX
Mr. Codswallop: I had thought we had escaped.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well, tell that to that cop.
Mr. Codswallop: He is referred to as a bobby over here.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well if you know Bobby, maybe he'll let us off with a warning.
Mr. Codswallop: The police officers in Britain are called bobbies.
Mr. Flapdoodle: So if your name isn't Bobby, you don't become a cop? I knew this was a strange country.
Mr. Codswallop: Well, here he is now. Behave yourself.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well, he is your friend, not mine.
Bobby: You are in possession of a stolen vehicle. Have you proof of ownership?
Mr. Codswallop: This is a hired car.
Mr. Flapdoodle: And rented too.
Bobby: Well, sir, I must ask you to step out of the vehicle.
Mr. Codswallop: What do you charge us with in this instance?
Bobby: I was sent by some distinguished gentlemen.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Oh, that was a prank.
Bobby: A prank?
Mr. Flapdoodle: My friend is on his way to a wedding and his friends and relations are messing with him.
Bobby: Is that true, sir?
Mr. Codswallop: That could be the case.
Bobby: Well, on your way then. Don't leave your bride at the altar.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Been there. Done that.
Mr. Codswallop: Thank you. We shall be on our way.
Bobby: Give my congratulations to your wife.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Thanks. Someone needs congratulations alright.
Mr. Codswallop: Farewell. Comments
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well, tell that to that cop.
Mr. Codswallop: He is referred to as a bobby over here.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well if you know Bobby, maybe he'll let us off with a warning.
Mr. Codswallop: The police officers in Britain are called bobbies.
Mr. Flapdoodle: So if your name isn't Bobby, you don't become a cop? I knew this was a strange country.
Mr. Codswallop: Well, here he is now. Behave yourself.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well, he is your friend, not mine.
Bobby: You are in possession of a stolen vehicle. Have you proof of ownership?
Mr. Codswallop: This is a hired car.
Mr. Flapdoodle: And rented too.
Bobby: Well, sir, I must ask you to step out of the vehicle.
Mr. Codswallop: What do you charge us with in this instance?
Bobby: I was sent by some distinguished gentlemen.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Oh, that was a prank.
Bobby: A prank?
Mr. Flapdoodle: My friend is on his way to a wedding and his friends and relations are messing with him.
Bobby: Is that true, sir?
Mr. Codswallop: That could be the case.
Bobby: Well, on your way then. Don't leave your bride at the altar.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Been there. Done that.
Mr. Codswallop: Thank you. We shall be on our way.
Bobby: Give my congratulations to your wife.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Thanks. Someone needs congratulations alright.
Mr. Codswallop: Farewell. Comments
Friday, February 27, 2004
Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel XIX
Charles Stuart: Now listen to this. Your lives are in our hands. You shall do as you are told or your very beings are forfeit.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I have two feet, not four.
Uncle Cyrus: Quiet, if you know what is good for you.
Mr. Codswallop: Where are you taking us?
Charles: You would be well advised to not make any further inquiries.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I have to go to the bathroom.
Charles: Are you so pathetic that you are unable to govern yourself accordingly?
Mr. Flapdoodle: I'd better go or you may find a mess on these leather seats.
Charles: Very well. Go. If you try anything, I will not hesitate to shoot.
Mr. Codswallop: May I take the opportunity to relieve myself as well? We never had that chance when we were so rudely interupted.
Uncle Cyrus: These are surely some delaying tactics.
Mr. Flapdoodle (leaving the car): No, they are more like an emergency.
Charles: We must maintain a vigilance with that pair of oafs.
Uncle Cyrus: They are relatively harmless.
Charles: Even a fool can find a fortunate break on occasion.
Uncle Cyrus: We must go and find what is taking so long.
Charles: Yes, they are trying something.
Charles and Uncle Cyrus searched around the car and toward the edge of the road, but were unable to find Mr. Codswallop and Mr. Flapdoodle.
Uncle Cyrus: Either they are hiding or they made a run for it.
Charles: They shan't get far.
With that, the two men heard their car start. With a squeal of tires, Mr. Codswallop sped off into the distance. Mr. Flapdoodle was making rude gestures as they drove away.
Charles: They will pay dearly for this subterfuge, as will you, Cyrus.
Uncle Cyrus: We will recapture them. Have no fear.
Charles: You had better control your nephew, or you will regret it. Very painfully.
Uncle Cyrus: We will find them and the wedding will take place as planned.
Charles: Yes, it will. Dead or alive.
Comments
Mr. Flapdoodle: I have two feet, not four.
Uncle Cyrus: Quiet, if you know what is good for you.
Mr. Codswallop: Where are you taking us?
Charles: You would be well advised to not make any further inquiries.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I have to go to the bathroom.
Charles: Are you so pathetic that you are unable to govern yourself accordingly?
Mr. Flapdoodle: I'd better go or you may find a mess on these leather seats.
Charles: Very well. Go. If you try anything, I will not hesitate to shoot.
Mr. Codswallop: May I take the opportunity to relieve myself as well? We never had that chance when we were so rudely interupted.
Uncle Cyrus: These are surely some delaying tactics.
Mr. Flapdoodle (leaving the car): No, they are more like an emergency.
Charles: We must maintain a vigilance with that pair of oafs.
Uncle Cyrus: They are relatively harmless.
Charles: Even a fool can find a fortunate break on occasion.
Uncle Cyrus: We must go and find what is taking so long.
Charles: Yes, they are trying something.
Charles and Uncle Cyrus searched around the car and toward the edge of the road, but were unable to find Mr. Codswallop and Mr. Flapdoodle.
Uncle Cyrus: Either they are hiding or they made a run for it.
Charles: They shan't get far.
With that, the two men heard their car start. With a squeal of tires, Mr. Codswallop sped off into the distance. Mr. Flapdoodle was making rude gestures as they drove away.
Charles: They will pay dearly for this subterfuge, as will you, Cyrus.
Uncle Cyrus: We will recapture them. Have no fear.
Charles: You had better control your nephew, or you will regret it. Very painfully.
Uncle Cyrus: We will find them and the wedding will take place as planned.
Charles: Yes, it will. Dead or alive.
Comments
Thursday, February 26, 2004
Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel XVIII
Elizabeth Stuart: I cannot believe that those uncouth barbarians ruined my wedding day.
Her Ladyship of Pyle Manor: They shall not get away with their insolence. They will most assuradly pay for their discretions.
Elizabeth: It is bad enough that I was betrothed to that idiotic Codswallop. To be publicly humilated by the like of him is almost unbearable.
Her Ladyship: The only thing more ghastly would be marriage to that loathsome Flapdoodle.
Elizabeth: I want the wedding done properly.
Her Ladyship: I shall stand again as your Matron of Honour.
Elizabeth: It is wounderful to know, that the better sorts such as yourself, exist in this life.
Her Ladyship: It is most unfortunate that the lesser breeds, like Codswallop and his imbecilic friend, are allowed life.
Elizabeth: One of my first actions, as World Queen, shall be to rid the Earth of such vermin.
Her Ladyship: A splendid concept. Forcible removal of the planet's useless eaters should be done immediately.
Elizabeth: I plan to have an heir of the Bloodline, by invitro methods of course, via the Codswallop creature, and then rid the world of him.
Her Ladyship: You would not want to touch him.
Elizabeth: We would have separate suites, of course.
Her Ladyship: I would like nothing more than to get even with that Flapdoodle. He cost me, I mean Cyrus, the Codswallop Trust Fund.
Elizabeth: I would like to have a slow and agonizing punishment for that Cedric person too.
Her Ladyship: Their time will come, as we triumph over them, and marry someone of our own stature.
Elizabeth: I was considering Prince William.
Her Ladyship: He has a younger briother named Harry as well.
Elizabeth: First things first, of course.
Her Ladyship: Most certainly. Comments
Her Ladyship of Pyle Manor: They shall not get away with their insolence. They will most assuradly pay for their discretions.
Elizabeth: It is bad enough that I was betrothed to that idiotic Codswallop. To be publicly humilated by the like of him is almost unbearable.
Her Ladyship: The only thing more ghastly would be marriage to that loathsome Flapdoodle.
Elizabeth: I want the wedding done properly.
Her Ladyship: I shall stand again as your Matron of Honour.
Elizabeth: It is wounderful to know, that the better sorts such as yourself, exist in this life.
Her Ladyship: It is most unfortunate that the lesser breeds, like Codswallop and his imbecilic friend, are allowed life.
Elizabeth: One of my first actions, as World Queen, shall be to rid the Earth of such vermin.
Her Ladyship: A splendid concept. Forcible removal of the planet's useless eaters should be done immediately.
Elizabeth: I plan to have an heir of the Bloodline, by invitro methods of course, via the Codswallop creature, and then rid the world of him.
Her Ladyship: You would not want to touch him.
Elizabeth: We would have separate suites, of course.
Her Ladyship: I would like nothing more than to get even with that Flapdoodle. He cost me, I mean Cyrus, the Codswallop Trust Fund.
Elizabeth: I would like to have a slow and agonizing punishment for that Cedric person too.
Her Ladyship: Their time will come, as we triumph over them, and marry someone of our own stature.
Elizabeth: I was considering Prince William.
Her Ladyship: He has a younger briother named Harry as well.
Elizabeth: First things first, of course.
Her Ladyship: Most certainly. Comments
Wednesday, February 25, 2004
Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel XVII
Mr. Codswallop: It is a definite relief to have reached the airport.
Mr. Flapdoodle: And we only had to fix that car twice on the road too.
Mr. Codswallop: Its mechanical shortcomings did cut into our escape time.
Mr. Flapdoodle: And it slowed us down too.
Mr. Codswallop: Have you got your ticket back to North America?
Mr. Flapdoodle: And it even lets me sit with people this time. The cargo hold wasn't so bad though. There were some nice dogs there.
Mr. Codswallop: We must flee this country before the rest of the conspiratorial wedding party discovers our ruse.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I kept mine covered all through the service, thank you very much.
Mr. Codswallop: At least the escape has helped, to partially sober you up, to the level of merely being intoxicated.
Mr. Flapdoodle: By the way, does this place have a bar?
Mr. Codswallop: We have no time for that, we must get to our flight.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I don't think that's going to happen.
Mr. Codswallop: We have our tickets. We have our passports. We are...
Uncle Cyrus: Trying to escape are you?
Charles: He is such a pathetic little insect, is he not?
Mr. Codswallop: I refuse to be part of that ridiculous charade of a marriage.
Mr. Flapdoodle: And he won't sleep with the bride either.
Uncle Cyrus: There would be no conjugal relations per se. The siring of offspring would be entirely by invitro means.
Charles: Silence! Codswallop, you have two choices. You will either marry Elizabeth or face the rather unpleasant alternative.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Talk about two bad choices!
Charles: If you speak again, you blithering fool, you shall join your friend in a most painful demise.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Whose eyes?
Uncle Cyrus: Perhaps we can reach an agreement suitable to all concerned.
Charles: Cyrus, you are already nearing the same fate as your imbecilic nephew.
Uncle Cyrus: You will have the prizes you seek.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Did I win one too?
Charles: We will return to the chapel and complete the marriage vows. Note that there is deadly force pointed in your direction at this moment.
Mr. Codswallop: It looks like we have little choice.
Charles: That is indeed the wisest statement ever to leave your person.
Mr. Flapdoodle (to himself): I've got to think of something. Let me think. Hmm. I've never thought before. This could be fun! Comments
Mr. Flapdoodle: And we only had to fix that car twice on the road too.
Mr. Codswallop: Its mechanical shortcomings did cut into our escape time.
Mr. Flapdoodle: And it slowed us down too.
Mr. Codswallop: Have you got your ticket back to North America?
Mr. Flapdoodle: And it even lets me sit with people this time. The cargo hold wasn't so bad though. There were some nice dogs there.
Mr. Codswallop: We must flee this country before the rest of the conspiratorial wedding party discovers our ruse.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I kept mine covered all through the service, thank you very much.
Mr. Codswallop: At least the escape has helped, to partially sober you up, to the level of merely being intoxicated.
Mr. Flapdoodle: By the way, does this place have a bar?
Mr. Codswallop: We have no time for that, we must get to our flight.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I don't think that's going to happen.
Mr. Codswallop: We have our tickets. We have our passports. We are...
Uncle Cyrus: Trying to escape are you?
Charles: He is such a pathetic little insect, is he not?
Mr. Codswallop: I refuse to be part of that ridiculous charade of a marriage.
Mr. Flapdoodle: And he won't sleep with the bride either.
Uncle Cyrus: There would be no conjugal relations per se. The siring of offspring would be entirely by invitro means.
Charles: Silence! Codswallop, you have two choices. You will either marry Elizabeth or face the rather unpleasant alternative.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Talk about two bad choices!
Charles: If you speak again, you blithering fool, you shall join your friend in a most painful demise.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Whose eyes?
Uncle Cyrus: Perhaps we can reach an agreement suitable to all concerned.
Charles: Cyrus, you are already nearing the same fate as your imbecilic nephew.
Uncle Cyrus: You will have the prizes you seek.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Did I win one too?
Charles: We will return to the chapel and complete the marriage vows. Note that there is deadly force pointed in your direction at this moment.
Mr. Codswallop: It looks like we have little choice.
Charles: That is indeed the wisest statement ever to leave your person.
Mr. Flapdoodle (to himself): I've got to think of something. Let me think. Hmm. I've never thought before. This could be fun! Comments
Tuesday, February 24, 2004
Movies, Movees, and Movers
Mr. Codswallop: I noticed that Darren Rowse of Blogger Idol has resorted to going to the movies.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I didn't know he was moving.
Mr. Codswallop: In a clear sop to popular culture he has fallen back on the silver screen as a topic.
Mr. Flapdoodle: When he was moving, he fell. Was he hurt?
Mr. Codswallop: I believe you are missing the point of this entire discussion.
Mr. Flapdoodle: There is a point? I thought were talking about getting injured on the job.
Mr. Codswallop: I think the topic for the week was supposed to revolve around motion pictures.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Cousin Mildred used to get motion sickness. Riding in the car with her was always a gamble. Come to think of it, they moved a lot too.
Mr. Codswallop: When did you last attend the theatre?
Mr. Flapdoodle: I saw one last week. That is the one I'll admit to in public.
Mr. Codswallop: Why would you not admit to having seen a movie. I can understand if someone of culture and breeding were to avoid the trash filling the screens, but I never knew you to be selctive.
Mr. Flapdoodle: The people in that movie weren't too selective, if you get my drift.
Mr. Codswallop: I trust your choice of entertainment was not one of a family nature.
Mr. Flapdoodle: A family could have resulted, considering what they did.
Mr. Codswallop: Perhaps we should change the topic, for the benefit of our more sensitive readers.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well, you wanted to talk about the movers. By the way, are your hinting that I should move?
Mr. Codswallop: No one mentioned anything about anyone moving to a new residence.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Good thing the landlord didn't hear that. I'm a bit behind on the rent.
Mr. Codswallop: I have told you that you must manage your finances in a more prudent manner.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Living on prunes won't help pay the rent.
Mr. Codswallop: Does that mean you may be moving soon?
Mr. Flapdoodle: I knew that was what you were hinting at. Of course I'll move into your place.
Mr. Codswallop: Why did I ever open my mouth about movies?
Mr. Flapdoodle: I don't have much to move. Don't worry.
Mr. Codswallop: Don't worry. I will!
Comments
Mr. Flapdoodle: I didn't know he was moving.
Mr. Codswallop: In a clear sop to popular culture he has fallen back on the silver screen as a topic.
Mr. Flapdoodle: When he was moving, he fell. Was he hurt?
Mr. Codswallop: I believe you are missing the point of this entire discussion.
Mr. Flapdoodle: There is a point? I thought were talking about getting injured on the job.
Mr. Codswallop: I think the topic for the week was supposed to revolve around motion pictures.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Cousin Mildred used to get motion sickness. Riding in the car with her was always a gamble. Come to think of it, they moved a lot too.
Mr. Codswallop: When did you last attend the theatre?
Mr. Flapdoodle: I saw one last week. That is the one I'll admit to in public.
Mr. Codswallop: Why would you not admit to having seen a movie. I can understand if someone of culture and breeding were to avoid the trash filling the screens, but I never knew you to be selctive.
Mr. Flapdoodle: The people in that movie weren't too selective, if you get my drift.
Mr. Codswallop: I trust your choice of entertainment was not one of a family nature.
Mr. Flapdoodle: A family could have resulted, considering what they did.
Mr. Codswallop: Perhaps we should change the topic, for the benefit of our more sensitive readers.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well, you wanted to talk about the movers. By the way, are your hinting that I should move?
Mr. Codswallop: No one mentioned anything about anyone moving to a new residence.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Good thing the landlord didn't hear that. I'm a bit behind on the rent.
Mr. Codswallop: I have told you that you must manage your finances in a more prudent manner.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Living on prunes won't help pay the rent.
Mr. Codswallop: Does that mean you may be moving soon?
Mr. Flapdoodle: I knew that was what you were hinting at. Of course I'll move into your place.
Mr. Codswallop: Why did I ever open my mouth about movies?
Mr. Flapdoodle: I don't have much to move. Don't worry.
Mr. Codswallop: Don't worry. I will!
Comments
Monday, February 23, 2004
Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel XVI
The minister stammered away about the "forever holding their peace" part of the ceremony. Charles Stuart was getting ever more impatient with the snail like pace of the wedding. He arose and approached Uncle Cyrus.
Charles: Why is this wedding taking longer than a the 3600 year orbit of Niburu to complete?
Uncle Cyrus: The minister is doing the best that he can. You have clearly intimidated him and he is rather distracted from his standard ceremony.
Charles (loudly to the minister): Hurry up will you? This should not take all day to complete. I am a very busy and important man. I have no time for such foolishness.
Uncle Cyrus: Sit down Charles. You are making a royal spectacle of yourself.
Charles: Bah!
The minister droned on about various topics, religious and secular. Finally, he reached the moment of truth.
Minister: Do you, Elizabeth Hathor Stuart, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband to have and to hold, from this day forward? Do you promise to nurture him, care for him in sickness and in health, and to love, honour, and cherish him as long as you both shall live?
Elizabeth: You have the vows all mangled sir! But I do anyway.
Minister:
Charles: Hurry up man!
Minister: Do you Codswallop, etc, etc, as long as you both shall live?
Charles: What kind of a question is that? Are you daft?
Mr. Codswallop (very quietly from under his hood): I do.
Minister: By the power vested me by God, and in front of these witnesses, I now pronounce you husband and wife.
Charles: It is about time!
Minister: You may now kiss the bride!
As the Jedi robed Codswallop lifts the veil, the congregation sighs. Uncle Cyrus chokes. The Jedi kisses Elizabeth, and his hood slides off, revealing his face. It is Uncle Cedric!
Charles: This is an outrage! I demand an annullment! My daughter has been humiliated! Arrest Cyrus, Cedric, and that buffoon nephew of theirs!
Minister: I consider the marriage to be final and consummated with the kiss.
Charles: We shall see about that. No daughter of mine shall be wedded to that ridiculous Cedric Codswallop. He is an even bigger fool than his nephew.
Uncle Cyrus (pulling Charlse back to his pew): Charles, Cedric knows where the Annunaki technology is hidden. You may be better off this way!
Charles: True, you may be correct in your assessment.
Uncle Cyrus: Are you not concerned about Elizabeth?
Charles: Her function is to produce an heir. Wait a minute! Cedric does not possess the True Bloodline! Arrest them all!
Outside, Mr. Codswallop and Mr. Flapdoodle are making haste to the airport. Mr. Codswallop, normally an excessively careful driver to the point of barely meeting the minimum required by law, is speeding.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Hurry up Codswallop! We have a bit of a head start.
Mr. Codswallop: That switch that you arranged with Uncle Cedric went off like clockwork.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I had to bribe the minister to keep quiet. He asked for a hundred pounds. I didn't have anything that heavy, so I gave him all my English cash instead.
Mr. Codswallop: I was astounded when Uncle Cedric appeared from under the altar, and I was able to slip out the same way.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Ya gotta love those secret passages! Drive faster!
Mr. Codswallop: I am at the maximum speed attainable by this British automobile.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Yikes!
Comments
Charles: Why is this wedding taking longer than a the 3600 year orbit of Niburu to complete?
Uncle Cyrus: The minister is doing the best that he can. You have clearly intimidated him and he is rather distracted from his standard ceremony.
Charles (loudly to the minister): Hurry up will you? This should not take all day to complete. I am a very busy and important man. I have no time for such foolishness.
Uncle Cyrus: Sit down Charles. You are making a royal spectacle of yourself.
Charles: Bah!
The minister droned on about various topics, religious and secular. Finally, he reached the moment of truth.
Minister: Do you, Elizabeth Hathor Stuart, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband to have and to hold, from this day forward? Do you promise to nurture him, care for him in sickness and in health, and to love, honour, and cherish him as long as you both shall live?
Elizabeth: You have the vows all mangled sir! But I do anyway.
Minister:
Charles: Hurry up man!
Minister: Do you Codswallop, etc, etc, as long as you both shall live?
Charles: What kind of a question is that? Are you daft?
Mr. Codswallop (very quietly from under his hood): I do.
Minister: By the power vested me by God, and in front of these witnesses, I now pronounce you husband and wife.
Charles: It is about time!
Minister: You may now kiss the bride!
As the Jedi robed Codswallop lifts the veil, the congregation sighs. Uncle Cyrus chokes. The Jedi kisses Elizabeth, and his hood slides off, revealing his face. It is Uncle Cedric!
Charles: This is an outrage! I demand an annullment! My daughter has been humiliated! Arrest Cyrus, Cedric, and that buffoon nephew of theirs!
Minister: I consider the marriage to be final and consummated with the kiss.
Charles: We shall see about that. No daughter of mine shall be wedded to that ridiculous Cedric Codswallop. He is an even bigger fool than his nephew.
Uncle Cyrus (pulling Charlse back to his pew): Charles, Cedric knows where the Annunaki technology is hidden. You may be better off this way!
Charles: True, you may be correct in your assessment.
Uncle Cyrus: Are you not concerned about Elizabeth?
Charles: Her function is to produce an heir. Wait a minute! Cedric does not possess the True Bloodline! Arrest them all!
Outside, Mr. Codswallop and Mr. Flapdoodle are making haste to the airport. Mr. Codswallop, normally an excessively careful driver to the point of barely meeting the minimum required by law, is speeding.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Hurry up Codswallop! We have a bit of a head start.
Mr. Codswallop: That switch that you arranged with Uncle Cedric went off like clockwork.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I had to bribe the minister to keep quiet. He asked for a hundred pounds. I didn't have anything that heavy, so I gave him all my English cash instead.
Mr. Codswallop: I was astounded when Uncle Cedric appeared from under the altar, and I was able to slip out the same way.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Ya gotta love those secret passages! Drive faster!
Mr. Codswallop: I am at the maximum speed attainable by this British automobile.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Yikes!
Comments
Sunday, February 22, 2004
Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel XV
The forlorn Jedi Knight stood alone at the marriage altar. Joseph, the best man chosen by the bride's father, was nowhere near the unhappy groom. Joseph was supposed to have the the rings, but he certainly kept his distance, and appeared to be studying the floor. Mr. Codswallop could only hope the rings were lost.
The minister stood silently before the bowed headed bridegroom, and thought something was terribly wrong. Uncle Cyrus was squirming in his pew, as he had only delivered the groom. He had not supplied the powdered white gold formula or the legendary Anunnaki weaponry. Uncle Cyrus felt the noose tightening around his neck. He could see that his plans of grandeur had already left his nephew shattered at the altar.
Joseph moved over near the unhappy groom. The minister cleared his throat. The Bridal March, which to some of the wedding party and guests, sounded more like a song of execution, began to play.
A young boy, dressed as Little Boy Blue carried a pair of golden rings on a red velvet cushion. That cleared up the mystery of the rings to Mr. Codswallop's unending disatisfaction. A young girl, clad in pink, spread rose petals along the carpet, awaiting the bride.
Charles Stuart, arm in arm with his daughter Elizabeth, approached the altar. Slowly, step by step, they strode the chapel aisle. Her wedding gown was indeed spectacular. The white taffeta gown was smothered in real pearls and French lace, from the bishop sleeves to the neckline, and down to the waist. The full skirt was almost drowning in pearls. The train, stretching almost half the length of Rosslyn Chapel, was carried by another young girl and boy.
At last, the bride reached the altar. She did not face the groom, and never once did she smile.
The minister, still clearing his throat, began his sermon.
Minister: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today, in the presence of God and these witnesses, to join this man and this woman in holy matrimony...
Uncle Cyrus (to himself): Nothing holy about it.
Mr. Codswallop (from under his robes): I hope Charles left his shotgun in the storage cabinet!
Minister (almost laughing before continuing): ...a most sacred of unions that must not be entered into lightly...
Charles: Get on with it man!
Minister (trembling): Um...etc., etc., etc,...Let anyone who has just cause that this marriage not take place, speak now or forever hold your peace.
At that moment, there was a mighty crash from the back of the chapel, where the novice Knights Templar were seated. All eyes, including the entire wedding party, turned to the back pews. Mr. Flapdoodle rose from where he had fallen.
Mr. Flapdoodle (somewhat intoxicated): Was this an important part of the service?
Charles: Have that drunken fool escorted out of this church at once!Call the constable and have him arrested!
Two rather large men appeared from the side pews, and Mr. Flapdoodle merely waved, as he staggered out of the chapel doors.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Drink to the events of the day! No one will ever forget them!
A loud crash was heard from outside. Most of the congregation were certain that Mr. Flapdoodle was not able to navigate the steps.
Charles: Get on with the service you dolt! Is everyone here entirely without competence?
Minister (still shaking): Now where were we?
Comments
The minister stood silently before the bowed headed bridegroom, and thought something was terribly wrong. Uncle Cyrus was squirming in his pew, as he had only delivered the groom. He had not supplied the powdered white gold formula or the legendary Anunnaki weaponry. Uncle Cyrus felt the noose tightening around his neck. He could see that his plans of grandeur had already left his nephew shattered at the altar.
Joseph moved over near the unhappy groom. The minister cleared his throat. The Bridal March, which to some of the wedding party and guests, sounded more like a song of execution, began to play.
A young boy, dressed as Little Boy Blue carried a pair of golden rings on a red velvet cushion. That cleared up the mystery of the rings to Mr. Codswallop's unending disatisfaction. A young girl, clad in pink, spread rose petals along the carpet, awaiting the bride.
Charles Stuart, arm in arm with his daughter Elizabeth, approached the altar. Slowly, step by step, they strode the chapel aisle. Her wedding gown was indeed spectacular. The white taffeta gown was smothered in real pearls and French lace, from the bishop sleeves to the neckline, and down to the waist. The full skirt was almost drowning in pearls. The train, stretching almost half the length of Rosslyn Chapel, was carried by another young girl and boy.
At last, the bride reached the altar. She did not face the groom, and never once did she smile.
The minister, still clearing his throat, began his sermon.
Minister: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today, in the presence of God and these witnesses, to join this man and this woman in holy matrimony...
Uncle Cyrus (to himself): Nothing holy about it.
Mr. Codswallop (from under his robes): I hope Charles left his shotgun in the storage cabinet!
Minister (almost laughing before continuing): ...a most sacred of unions that must not be entered into lightly...
Charles: Get on with it man!
Minister (trembling): Um...etc., etc., etc,...Let anyone who has just cause that this marriage not take place, speak now or forever hold your peace.
At that moment, there was a mighty crash from the back of the chapel, where the novice Knights Templar were seated. All eyes, including the entire wedding party, turned to the back pews. Mr. Flapdoodle rose from where he had fallen.
Mr. Flapdoodle (somewhat intoxicated): Was this an important part of the service?
Charles: Have that drunken fool escorted out of this church at once!Call the constable and have him arrested!
Two rather large men appeared from the side pews, and Mr. Flapdoodle merely waved, as he staggered out of the chapel doors.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Drink to the events of the day! No one will ever forget them!
A loud crash was heard from outside. Most of the congregation were certain that Mr. Flapdoodle was not able to navigate the steps.
Charles: Get on with the service you dolt! Is everyone here entirely without competence?
Minister (still shaking): Now where were we?
Comments
Saturday, February 21, 2004
Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel XIV
Mr. Codswallop slowly dressed for the upcoming nuptials. His Jedi robe, made of the finest imported fabrics, was stunning. He looked every inch the Jedi Knight. He simply did not feel like one.
Mr. Codswallop: I am doomed. This marriage shall be simply to horrible to endure.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Don't worry. Something will turn up!
Mr. Codswallop: That is rather small comfort for me, as you become a Knight Templar, and I become the executed ersatz Jedi Knight.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Have a drink or ten. The pain will pass.
Mr. Codswallop: Do you suppose there is an open doorway where I can make good my escape?
Mr. Flapdoodle: Don't worry. The plan is in place.
Mr. Codswallop: You have a plan? I know life as we know it, is over for sure, when you start to think.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I plan great parties. Trust me!
Mr. Codswallop: There is very little that is trustworthy in this affair.
Mr. Flapdoodle: You are having an affair already? You aren't even married yet.
Mr. Codswallop: I was referring to this marriage business.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Did I tell you I hired a band in keeping with the theme?
Mr. Codswallop: I shudder to think what your selection criteria would involve.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I hired Tesla.
Mr. Codswallop: I beg your pardon? Is he not dead?
Mr. Flapdoodle: I thought that since your family seems obsessed with Nick Tesla's inventions, a band using his name would be great.
Mr. Codswallop: I was thinking something more along some Classical lines. Perhaps some Chamber music would be appropriate.
Mr. Flapdoodle: No bathroom music. We want the place rockin'.
Mr. Codswallop: I doubt if Uncle Cyrus, Charles, or Joseph would approve od your selection.
Mr. Flapdoodle: That's the point!
Mr. Codswallop: I truly never thought of it in that regard.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Rock on Tesla! Comments
Mr. Codswallop: I am doomed. This marriage shall be simply to horrible to endure.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Don't worry. Something will turn up!
Mr. Codswallop: That is rather small comfort for me, as you become a Knight Templar, and I become the executed ersatz Jedi Knight.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Have a drink or ten. The pain will pass.
Mr. Codswallop: Do you suppose there is an open doorway where I can make good my escape?
Mr. Flapdoodle: Don't worry. The plan is in place.
Mr. Codswallop: You have a plan? I know life as we know it, is over for sure, when you start to think.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I plan great parties. Trust me!
Mr. Codswallop: There is very little that is trustworthy in this affair.
Mr. Flapdoodle: You are having an affair already? You aren't even married yet.
Mr. Codswallop: I was referring to this marriage business.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Did I tell you I hired a band in keeping with the theme?
Mr. Codswallop: I shudder to think what your selection criteria would involve.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I hired Tesla.
Mr. Codswallop: I beg your pardon? Is he not dead?
Mr. Flapdoodle: I thought that since your family seems obsessed with Nick Tesla's inventions, a band using his name would be great.
Mr. Codswallop: I was thinking something more along some Classical lines. Perhaps some Chamber music would be appropriate.
Mr. Flapdoodle: No bathroom music. We want the place rockin'.
Mr. Codswallop: I doubt if Uncle Cyrus, Charles, or Joseph would approve od your selection.
Mr. Flapdoodle: That's the point!
Mr. Codswallop: I truly never thought of it in that regard.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Rock on Tesla! Comments
Friday, February 20, 2004
Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel XIII
Uncle Cyrus looked extremely relieved to see his brother Cedric arrive for the wedding. It did not take very long for Uncle Cyrus to get right to the point.
Uncle Cyurs: Cedric, have you got the GPS coordinates for the hidden Annunaki treasure?
Uncle Cedric: I say, did I ever tell you about the lass that I met while searching for the Loch Ness monster?
Uncle Cyrus: Your romantic trysts are of no concern of mine.
Uncle Cedric: I beg to differ dear brother, your whole life and that of our family, seems to be wrapped up in this not entirely romantic tryst.
Uncle Cyrus: The wedding is part of the plan. However, we need that Anunnaki weaponry to seal the affair.
Uncle Cedric: I say, a meeting with your nephew's rather free spirited young friend Flapdoodle, has me celebrating the joys of having an affair.
Uncle Cyrus: Cedric, have you got the bloody coordinates or not?
Uncle Cedric: Perhaps. Perhaps not. I have to rely upon my memory. By the way, I forgot to have breakfast. Where is there a suitable establishment where I can enjoy some repast?
Uncle Cyrus: Do you realize that if we fail to provide the Anunnaki weaponry, Cyril's powdered white gold formula, and the lad, we are dead as a family?
Uncle Cedric: The Stuarts are all part of a grand New World Order conspiracy that encompasses all of mankind. What has that to do with us?
Uncle Cyrus: That French redhead that Cyril married...
Uncle Cedric: ....Cyril had great taste...
Uncle Cyrus: ...was Bloodline. That nephew of ours is Bloodline through the maternal DNA. His marriage to the Stuart lass would give their offspring the strongest concentration of the True Blood on Earth.
Uncle Cedric: Are you planning a Regency by any chance?
Uncle Cyrus: The Codswallop family can regain the power our forefathers enjoyed in the elder days.
Uncle Cedric: Are you telling me that you sold the lad for this alleged power?
Uncle Cyrus: We pay them the agreed upon amount, and our Grandnieces and nephews will rule the world.
Uncle Cedric: I will have to think about the coordinates. In the meantime, there is this purely delightful lass that I met in the Pacific Northwest when I was tracking the elusive Sasquatch. I must give her a jingle when I return to America.
Uncle Cyrus (to himself): What am I to do? Cedric is a blithering idiot, and my own nephew will be killed because of me. I need a plan!
Comments
Uncle Cyurs: Cedric, have you got the GPS coordinates for the hidden Annunaki treasure?
Uncle Cedric: I say, did I ever tell you about the lass that I met while searching for the Loch Ness monster?
Uncle Cyrus: Your romantic trysts are of no concern of mine.
Uncle Cedric: I beg to differ dear brother, your whole life and that of our family, seems to be wrapped up in this not entirely romantic tryst.
Uncle Cyrus: The wedding is part of the plan. However, we need that Anunnaki weaponry to seal the affair.
Uncle Cedric: I say, a meeting with your nephew's rather free spirited young friend Flapdoodle, has me celebrating the joys of having an affair.
Uncle Cyrus: Cedric, have you got the bloody coordinates or not?
Uncle Cedric: Perhaps. Perhaps not. I have to rely upon my memory. By the way, I forgot to have breakfast. Where is there a suitable establishment where I can enjoy some repast?
Uncle Cyrus: Do you realize that if we fail to provide the Anunnaki weaponry, Cyril's powdered white gold formula, and the lad, we are dead as a family?
Uncle Cedric: The Stuarts are all part of a grand New World Order conspiracy that encompasses all of mankind. What has that to do with us?
Uncle Cyrus: That French redhead that Cyril married...
Uncle Cedric: ....Cyril had great taste...
Uncle Cyrus: ...was Bloodline. That nephew of ours is Bloodline through the maternal DNA. His marriage to the Stuart lass would give their offspring the strongest concentration of the True Blood on Earth.
Uncle Cedric: Are you planning a Regency by any chance?
Uncle Cyrus: The Codswallop family can regain the power our forefathers enjoyed in the elder days.
Uncle Cedric: Are you telling me that you sold the lad for this alleged power?
Uncle Cyrus: We pay them the agreed upon amount, and our Grandnieces and nephews will rule the world.
Uncle Cedric: I will have to think about the coordinates. In the meantime, there is this purely delightful lass that I met in the Pacific Northwest when I was tracking the elusive Sasquatch. I must give her a jingle when I return to America.
Uncle Cyrus (to himself): What am I to do? Cedric is a blithering idiot, and my own nephew will be killed because of me. I need a plan!
Comments
Thursday, February 19, 2004
Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel XII
Rosslyn Chapel never looked more decorative than it did the day of the Codswallop and Stuart wedding. As if by magic, flowers and gifts arrived from the four corners of the globe, for the not exactly happy couple. Mr. Codswallop spent the entire morning brooding over a bottle of scotch, announcing to any and all who would listen, that it was never his policy to drink that early in the day. There were exceptions to every rule.
Uncle Cyrus: Buck up my boy! Think of the wedding night revelries!
Mr. Codswallop: That is one of the major reasons for my scotch induced haze.
Uncle Cyrus: Are you dressing in traditional attire?
Mr. Codswallop: I will be regaled in my finest Jedi Knight robes, specially made to my specifications, by hand in Montreal.
Uncle Cyrus: That will certainly add colour to the ceremony, if not stupidity to your own person. I had rather pictured you in a tuxedo.
Mr. Codswallop: Mr. Flapdoodle has assured me that the robes have a hidden pocket for storing a well filled flask.
Uncle Cyrus: As much as I hate to agree with your friend, that idea certainly possesses some merit.
Mr. Codswallop: You do not sound as optimistic about these nuptials as you proclaimed at first.
Uncle Cyrus: I have a number of misgivings, and just between us, I am unable to deliver on your father's formula for the powdered white gold. To make matters worse, Cedric has not arrived with the coordinates to locate the Anunnaki technology.
Mr. Codswallop: I did not know that my father possessed such a formula.
Uncle Cyrus: That he did indeed! It was taught to him over many years, by my Uncle Clive, who in turn apprenticed with his uncle. I would think that you were to learn the formula from your father, as you are the only family heir.
Mr. Codswallop: You are saying that the formula died with my father?
Uncle Cyrus: That seems to be the case, unless there are other Master Alchemists who have acquired the secret esoteric skills.
Mr. Codswallop: I have never heard of any such artisans.
Uncle Cyrus: Well, the lack of them may be the death of us yet! Comments
Uncle Cyrus: Buck up my boy! Think of the wedding night revelries!
Mr. Codswallop: That is one of the major reasons for my scotch induced haze.
Uncle Cyrus: Are you dressing in traditional attire?
Mr. Codswallop: I will be regaled in my finest Jedi Knight robes, specially made to my specifications, by hand in Montreal.
Uncle Cyrus: That will certainly add colour to the ceremony, if not stupidity to your own person. I had rather pictured you in a tuxedo.
Mr. Codswallop: Mr. Flapdoodle has assured me that the robes have a hidden pocket for storing a well filled flask.
Uncle Cyrus: As much as I hate to agree with your friend, that idea certainly possesses some merit.
Mr. Codswallop: You do not sound as optimistic about these nuptials as you proclaimed at first.
Uncle Cyrus: I have a number of misgivings, and just between us, I am unable to deliver on your father's formula for the powdered white gold. To make matters worse, Cedric has not arrived with the coordinates to locate the Anunnaki technology.
Mr. Codswallop: I did not know that my father possessed such a formula.
Uncle Cyrus: That he did indeed! It was taught to him over many years, by my Uncle Clive, who in turn apprenticed with his uncle. I would think that you were to learn the formula from your father, as you are the only family heir.
Mr. Codswallop: You are saying that the formula died with my father?
Uncle Cyrus: That seems to be the case, unless there are other Master Alchemists who have acquired the secret esoteric skills.
Mr. Codswallop: I have never heard of any such artisans.
Uncle Cyrus: Well, the lack of them may be the death of us yet! Comments
Wednesday, February 18, 2004
Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel XI
Charles: I believe your nephew, and that imbecile Flapdoodle, may suspect something is wrong.
Uncle Cyrus: I am certain that they do; well perhaps not Flapdoodle.
Charles: They may be plotting to disrupt the ceremony, and that must not happen, under any circumstances.
Uncle Cyrus: There will be a Codswallop and Stuart marriage. You can count on that.
Charles: Good! The ceremony will take place tomorrow and there will be no problem.
Uncle Cyrus: You are not forgetting the dowry and payments?
Charles: You had better deliver the white powdered gold formula and the Anunnaki technology.
Uncle Cyrus: Everything will happen as it should.
Charles: That is as we agreed. I will see you at the wedding. I must walk my daughter down the aisle.
Uncle Cyrus: And without the powdered gold, she is not getting any younger!
Charles: You had best keep your vile tongue in check, or you and your nephew will pay dearly.
Uncle Cyrus: You can count on an "I do", when the moment of truth arises.
Charles: If you fail me, there will a severe price to be paid. Do not ever forget that for an instant.
Comments
Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel XUncle Cyrus: I am certain that they do; well perhaps not Flapdoodle.
Charles: They may be plotting to disrupt the ceremony, and that must not happen, under any circumstances.
Uncle Cyrus: There will be a Codswallop and Stuart marriage. You can count on that.
Charles: Good! The ceremony will take place tomorrow and there will be no problem.
Uncle Cyrus: You are not forgetting the dowry and payments?
Charles: You had better deliver the white powdered gold formula and the Anunnaki technology.
Uncle Cyrus: Everything will happen as it should.
Charles: That is as we agreed. I will see you at the wedding. I must walk my daughter down the aisle.
Uncle Cyrus: And without the powdered gold, she is not getting any younger!
Charles: You had best keep your vile tongue in check, or you and your nephew will pay dearly.
Uncle Cyrus: You can count on an "I do", when the moment of truth arises.
Charles: If you fail me, there will a severe price to be paid. Do not ever forget that for an instant.
Comments
In the dark of night, Mr. Codswallop finds Mr. Flapdoodle strolling aimlessly about the manor. The two men have not spoken since their arrival in Scotland.
Mr. Codswallop: I am unable to talk long, but there are many things happening, of which we remain unaware.
Mr. Flapdoodle: And in the dark too.
Mr. Codswallop: I am to marry Elizabeth Stuart and sire an heir, that will be of the most intensive Bloodline, on the planet.
Mr. Flapdoodle: You have my sympathy.
Mr. Codswallop: Her father carried the conversation with Uncle Cyrus. It appears that along with my person, Uncle Cyrus has to present my father's secret formula for powdered white gold, and some recovered and hidden alien weaponry.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Old Charles never even looked at any of us, but he spoke briefly with Joseph. Of course, he never looks at me any time.
Mr. Codswallop: Joseph is to be my best man.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I'm glad it is not me. I plan to object when they ask about whether to hold your peace. By the way, should I be packing a piece?
Mr. Codswallop: Have you met my intended?
Mr. Flapdoodle: I sure did. She told us that if we failed to do our duty, whatever that is, we would be executed and replaced. She has very evil eyes and so does old Chuck.
Mr. Codswallop: We need to formulate a plan to escape this nightmare.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I am supposed to be training to be a Knight Templar. So far, I am failing the course. I thought there would be a lot of cool armour and horses and jousting and stuff. All I hear are a bunch of boring stories that I forget.
Mr. Codswallop: We do not belong here. We must return to North America.
Mr. Flapdoodle: You make the plan. I'll get the drinks to go!
Mr. Codswallop: I have to leave for now, as there a people coming this way.
Comments
Mr. Codswallop: I am unable to talk long, but there are many things happening, of which we remain unaware.
Mr. Flapdoodle: And in the dark too.
Mr. Codswallop: I am to marry Elizabeth Stuart and sire an heir, that will be of the most intensive Bloodline, on the planet.
Mr. Flapdoodle: You have my sympathy.
Mr. Codswallop: Her father carried the conversation with Uncle Cyrus. It appears that along with my person, Uncle Cyrus has to present my father's secret formula for powdered white gold, and some recovered and hidden alien weaponry.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Old Charles never even looked at any of us, but he spoke briefly with Joseph. Of course, he never looks at me any time.
Mr. Codswallop: Joseph is to be my best man.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I'm glad it is not me. I plan to object when they ask about whether to hold your peace. By the way, should I be packing a piece?
Mr. Codswallop: Have you met my intended?
Mr. Flapdoodle: I sure did. She told us that if we failed to do our duty, whatever that is, we would be executed and replaced. She has very evil eyes and so does old Chuck.
Mr. Codswallop: We need to formulate a plan to escape this nightmare.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I am supposed to be training to be a Knight Templar. So far, I am failing the course. I thought there would be a lot of cool armour and horses and jousting and stuff. All I hear are a bunch of boring stories that I forget.
Mr. Codswallop: We do not belong here. We must return to North America.
Mr. Flapdoodle: You make the plan. I'll get the drinks to go!
Mr. Codswallop: I have to leave for now, as there a people coming this way.
Comments
Tuesday, February 17, 2004
Picture this, that, and the other thing
Mr. Codswallop: As you know, that Blogger Idol fellow Darren Rowse has created a new topic.
Mr. Flapdoodle: You never tell me anything. Or at least anything interesting anyway.
Mr. Codswallop: It would appear the topic for the week is "Picture this".
Mr. Flapdoodle: Picture what?
Mr. Codswallop: This.
Mr. Flapdoodle: This what?
Mr. Codswallop: I believe he is looking forward to some philosophical discussion of the various scenerios that confront the human condition.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I hope the condition isn't serious.
Mr. Codswallop: I am certain that a certain pondering of the greater mysteries confronting the human race may be precisely what he is seeking.
Mr. Flapdoodle: He runs races? I never knew he was an Olympic runner.
Mr. Codswallop: We must decide on a suitably deep topic to, as he so colloquially puts it, picture.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I only look at pictures of naked women.
Mr. Codswallop: I don't believe your more vulgar habits of mind are what are being sought.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I know where to find some good pictures on the internet.
Mr. Codswallop: I never knew that you understand the intracacies of modern technology.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I know how to find pictures. That's all I care about.
Mr. Codswallop: Do you not utilize the wonders of the world wide web connection to explore the greater good?
Mr. Flapdoodle: Nope. Just naked women.
Mr. Codswallop: Your interests in life can be categorized under the headings of wine, women, and song.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well, I have drank some good homemade wine, I must admit.
Mr. Codswallop: I was meaning for you to picture your tastes in the abstact.
Mr. Flapdoodle: The ladies in the pictures aren't wearing any abstacts. Whatever those are.
Mr. Codswallop: The point I am attempting to put across, is your literal thinking on all topics is insufficient, to enable to you to picture this or any other more esoteric concepts.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Those ess oh whatever things sound kinky. Where are those pictures?
Mr. Codswallop: You do not perceive the world beyond the most basest levels.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Check out this site. Take a look at her.
Mr. Codswallop: I do not believe those rather risque photographs are of interest to a more civilized person.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Maybe not, but how about you and her in Hawaii.
Mr. Codswallop: Well, perhaps that is something for one to...picture this!
Comments
Mr. Flapdoodle: You never tell me anything. Or at least anything interesting anyway.
Mr. Codswallop: It would appear the topic for the week is "Picture this".
Mr. Flapdoodle: Picture what?
Mr. Codswallop: This.
Mr. Flapdoodle: This what?
Mr. Codswallop: I believe he is looking forward to some philosophical discussion of the various scenerios that confront the human condition.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I hope the condition isn't serious.
Mr. Codswallop: I am certain that a certain pondering of the greater mysteries confronting the human race may be precisely what he is seeking.
Mr. Flapdoodle: He runs races? I never knew he was an Olympic runner.
Mr. Codswallop: We must decide on a suitably deep topic to, as he so colloquially puts it, picture.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I only look at pictures of naked women.
Mr. Codswallop: I don't believe your more vulgar habits of mind are what are being sought.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I know where to find some good pictures on the internet.
Mr. Codswallop: I never knew that you understand the intracacies of modern technology.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I know how to find pictures. That's all I care about.
Mr. Codswallop: Do you not utilize the wonders of the world wide web connection to explore the greater good?
Mr. Flapdoodle: Nope. Just naked women.
Mr. Codswallop: Your interests in life can be categorized under the headings of wine, women, and song.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well, I have drank some good homemade wine, I must admit.
Mr. Codswallop: I was meaning for you to picture your tastes in the abstact.
Mr. Flapdoodle: The ladies in the pictures aren't wearing any abstacts. Whatever those are.
Mr. Codswallop: The point I am attempting to put across, is your literal thinking on all topics is insufficient, to enable to you to picture this or any other more esoteric concepts.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Those ess oh whatever things sound kinky. Where are those pictures?
Mr. Codswallop: You do not perceive the world beyond the most basest levels.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Check out this site. Take a look at her.
Mr. Codswallop: I do not believe those rather risque photographs are of interest to a more civilized person.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Maybe not, but how about you and her in Hawaii.
Mr. Codswallop: Well, perhaps that is something for one to...picture this!
Comments
Friday, February 13, 2004
Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel IX
Uncle Cyrus: There you are my boy! So capital that you could join us!
Mr. Codswallop: I see that you have visitors. I shall return at a more opportune time.
Uncle Cyrus: This is Charles Stuart and his daughter Elizabeth. They are of the true Bloodline.
Charles: We are the thirteenth bloodline and the one predestined by the Annunaki to take control of the planet on their behalf.
Elizabeth: Is this pathetic creature to be my husband? Am I forced to breed with this cur?
Charles: He is Bloodline himself through his mother, although he is rather a disappointment. Lad! Do you take the Starfire?
Mr. Codswallop: I am not taking anything.
Uncle Cyrus: Your late father possessed the key to making powdered white gold that resulted in delaying aging by an extraordinary amount. Are you aware for such a formula being in your possession?
Mr. Codswallop: I have no knowledge of the product except as discussed by various scholars.
Charles: The lad is lying. He has the formula. Upon his marriage to my daughter, he will provide that formula, or the entire Codswallop family will rue the day of their birth.
Mr. Codswallop: No one is getting married here. I do not know or love this woman.
Charles: What sentimental hogwash! This marriage is about more important matters. The entirety of humanity is at stake.
Mr. Codswallop: You intend to use me, and I suppose my children, to rule the world from behind the scenes. I will have no part of it.
Uncle Cyrus: Perhaps you should not be so hasty. This marriage could be very lucrative financially for you. Besides, it is already done.
Charles: Should you refuse, we can always extract your seed by force, and impregnate my daughter, by artificial means. You do not have to be alive for that!
Uncle Cyrus: Are you threatening my nephew? I will not stand for that!
Charles: Silence you fool. The marriage will take place as planned. Joseph, next in line for the Priory of Sion, will serve as best man. We want to show the the Priory, and the Stuart line, are united as one.
Mr. Codswallop: If I must submit to this sham, I would prefer my friend Flapdoodle to stand with me.
Charles: That is not part of the plan. He may attend, as an initiate into the Knights Templar Order.
Uncle Cyrus: It is settled then. You have a bridegroom!
Charles: There is still the matter of the hardware.
Uncle Cyrus: My brother Cedric will provide the maps to locate the Annunaki weaponry.
Charles: Of course, the powdered white gold will be delivered as agreed. We have all used it Cyrus. We are well over a century old. My daughter is almost eighty and looks in her early twenties. We must have that formula and the product. Should you fail us, there will be severe repercussions.
Uncle Cyrus: I will not fail.
Comments
Mr. Codswallop: I see that you have visitors. I shall return at a more opportune time.
Uncle Cyrus: This is Charles Stuart and his daughter Elizabeth. They are of the true Bloodline.
Charles: We are the thirteenth bloodline and the one predestined by the Annunaki to take control of the planet on their behalf.
Elizabeth: Is this pathetic creature to be my husband? Am I forced to breed with this cur?
Charles: He is Bloodline himself through his mother, although he is rather a disappointment. Lad! Do you take the Starfire?
Mr. Codswallop: I am not taking anything.
Uncle Cyrus: Your late father possessed the key to making powdered white gold that resulted in delaying aging by an extraordinary amount. Are you aware for such a formula being in your possession?
Mr. Codswallop: I have no knowledge of the product except as discussed by various scholars.
Charles: The lad is lying. He has the formula. Upon his marriage to my daughter, he will provide that formula, or the entire Codswallop family will rue the day of their birth.
Mr. Codswallop: No one is getting married here. I do not know or love this woman.
Charles: What sentimental hogwash! This marriage is about more important matters. The entirety of humanity is at stake.
Mr. Codswallop: You intend to use me, and I suppose my children, to rule the world from behind the scenes. I will have no part of it.
Uncle Cyrus: Perhaps you should not be so hasty. This marriage could be very lucrative financially for you. Besides, it is already done.
Charles: Should you refuse, we can always extract your seed by force, and impregnate my daughter, by artificial means. You do not have to be alive for that!
Uncle Cyrus: Are you threatening my nephew? I will not stand for that!
Charles: Silence you fool. The marriage will take place as planned. Joseph, next in line for the Priory of Sion, will serve as best man. We want to show the the Priory, and the Stuart line, are united as one.
Mr. Codswallop: If I must submit to this sham, I would prefer my friend Flapdoodle to stand with me.
Charles: That is not part of the plan. He may attend, as an initiate into the Knights Templar Order.
Uncle Cyrus: It is settled then. You have a bridegroom!
Charles: There is still the matter of the hardware.
Uncle Cyrus: My brother Cedric will provide the maps to locate the Annunaki weaponry.
Charles: Of course, the powdered white gold will be delivered as agreed. We have all used it Cyrus. We are well over a century old. My daughter is almost eighty and looks in her early twenties. We must have that formula and the product. Should you fail us, there will be severe repercussions.
Uncle Cyrus: I will not fail.
Comments
Thursday, February 12, 2004
Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel VIII
Uncle Cyrus greets his morning visitors. They are a tall grey haired man, anachronistically attired, in a heavily draped full length kilt. The tartan pattern is the well known red of the Royal Stewart. The man is accompanied by a tall red headed woman, wearing a Royal Stewart tartan skirt. Even Cyrus is startled by the cold look in their eyes. He looks at them, and only sees blackness. He imagines there is no soul behind those empty eyes.
Uncle Cyrus (collecting himself): Good morning Charles, and good morning Milady.
Charles: Where is the groom?
Uncle Cyrus: My nephew is just completing his breakfast. He will be with us shortly.
Charles: I understand that he is of the dragon line, but is a complete oaf.
Uncle Cyrus: You will like him as you get to know him.
Charles: I doubt that very much. He will be marrying my daughter, and I expect an heir of the most intense blending of the Bloodline.
Uncle Cyrus: You will be supplying a large dowry?
Charles: Do not trouble yourself Cyrus, you will receive a large commission on the transaction. All the better to finance that brother of yours, on his quests, that result in so much value, even if he is too stupid to realize it. I love the scientific spirit, so interested in the search, so little regard for the profits.
Uncle Cyrus: I wish that I could say the same about the recreating of my late brother Cyril's powdered white gold formula.
Charles: I paid you handsomely for that formula! Are you failing me there as well?
Uncle Cyrus: I have the finest laboratory of chemists with the most modern equipment. I also have the finest esoteric alchemists, armed with ancient texts that no individuals in the outside world are aware even are extant.
Charles: We need that white powder! Our supplies are critically low! We need to be resupplied.
Uncle Cyrus: No one could forsee my brother, and sister in law, perishing in so sudden a manner.
Charles: We will brook no excuses! You provide the groom, the white powdered gold, and the Annunaki weaponry. You will become wealthy beyond the most avaricious imaginings of King Midas. That was our bargain.
Uncle Cyrus: I will fulfil my end of the bargain.
Charles: If you fail us, and we lose our rightful throne of the Earth, you will die slowly through a most painful and unnatural death. You will have the consolation of your nephew joining you in suffering.
Comments
Uncle Cyrus (collecting himself): Good morning Charles, and good morning Milady.
Charles: Where is the groom?
Uncle Cyrus: My nephew is just completing his breakfast. He will be with us shortly.
Charles: I understand that he is of the dragon line, but is a complete oaf.
Uncle Cyrus: You will like him as you get to know him.
Charles: I doubt that very much. He will be marrying my daughter, and I expect an heir of the most intense blending of the Bloodline.
Uncle Cyrus: You will be supplying a large dowry?
Charles: Do not trouble yourself Cyrus, you will receive a large commission on the transaction. All the better to finance that brother of yours, on his quests, that result in so much value, even if he is too stupid to realize it. I love the scientific spirit, so interested in the search, so little regard for the profits.
Uncle Cyrus: I wish that I could say the same about the recreating of my late brother Cyril's powdered white gold formula.
Charles: I paid you handsomely for that formula! Are you failing me there as well?
Uncle Cyrus: I have the finest laboratory of chemists with the most modern equipment. I also have the finest esoteric alchemists, armed with ancient texts that no individuals in the outside world are aware even are extant.
Charles: We need that white powder! Our supplies are critically low! We need to be resupplied.
Uncle Cyrus: No one could forsee my brother, and sister in law, perishing in so sudden a manner.
Charles: We will brook no excuses! You provide the groom, the white powdered gold, and the Annunaki weaponry. You will become wealthy beyond the most avaricious imaginings of King Midas. That was our bargain.
Uncle Cyrus: I will fulfil my end of the bargain.
Charles: If you fail us, and we lose our rightful throne of the Earth, you will die slowly through a most painful and unnatural death. You will have the consolation of your nephew joining you in suffering.
Comments
Wednesday, February 11, 2004
Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel VII
Uncle Cyrus: Well my boy, your marriage next week, will be a very important boon to all of humanity.
Mr. Codswallop: I am most assuredly not being joined in matrimony next week.
Uncle Cyrus: I do not believe that you fully understand the gravity of the situation.
Mr. Codswallop: It is grave indeed. My grave!
Uncle Cyrus: First of all, you have no choice in the matter. The lady in question is Bloodline, from two sources. Are you aware of the history of the Bloodline, from the works of such scholars as Sitchin, Freer, Gardner, and Whitley?
Mr. Codswallop: I have dabbled in their philosophies of Niburu and the Annunaki.
Uncle Cyrus: Your betrothed is Bloodline from Jesus and Mary Magdalene on one side, and from Jesus' brother James, on the other.
Mr. Codswallop: That has little to do with my circumstances. Perhaps you shuld consider partaking of the nuptials yourself.
Uncle Cyrus: You are the best option, as your mother's Bloodline family was from the south of France, and was Albeghensian. She passed that "fairy blood" on to you, as the Bloodline passes through the female line.
Mr. Codswallop: Be that as it may, I refuse to say "I do". As a matter of fact, "I do not" is more appropriate in this instance.
Uncle Cyrus: Well, my boy, let me lay the proverbial cards on the table for you. The hand that you have been dealt, is one of truly cosmic proportions.
Mr. Codswallop: You exaggerate in a manner that your brother Uncle Cedric would enjoy wholeheartedly.
Uncle Cyrus: Your union with your betrothed, will produce an heir, who will possess the most concentrated Bloodline on Earth. Your heir will be the true Ruler of this planet.
Mr. Codswallop: As Flapdoodle would say in his colloquial manner, "Yeah right!"
Uncle Cyrus: Combining the Bloodline, with the recovered Annunaki weaponry that we Codswallops possess, the control of the planet is indeed ours. Your Uncle Cedric's wild excursions, have paid off very nicely in recovered artifacts, as did many generations of our family safaris before him.
Mr. Codswallop: I have no interest in ruling the world, or having any children of mine, exercise such unbridled power.
Uncle Cyrus: You may not be aware, but the Annunaki still own this planet. We are their cattle herd. They have many rivals from other star systems, who wish to take over the ownership of the Earth. So far the Annunaki have maintained control. Our destiny, as rulers of the Earth, is to take back the planet for humanity. We must be freed from alien ownership!
Mr. Codswallop: That story is so ludicrous, that no one could ever possibly be so gullible, as to ever believe it. Your goal is only to seize global power!
Uncle Cyrus: The Annunaki ships are on their way to Earth as we speak. Should they arrive unchallenged, they will reclaim the thrones of the world, ushering in feudal control by alien entities. They are also challenged by other species who will use our Solar System as their batleground. Earth will be the final stand. That, my boy, is Armageddon!
Mr. Codswallop: Why not merely let the Annunaki and the other alien entities fight it out near Pluto and destroy one another? That seems perfectly logical to me!
Uncle Cyrus: We have the weaponry courtesy of the Annunaki. All we need is the leadership. You and your wife will be that Royal Family, with an immediate heir.
Mr. Codswallop: You can attempt your diabolical plot without me. Flapdoodle and I have a public house to manage.
Uncle Cyrus: Flapdoodle has already betrayed you and joined with us. He is being initiated into the Order of the Knights Templar as we speak. If it is any consolation, he can be your personal Knight, as Joseph is mine.
Mr. Codswallop: I refuse to participate in this ridiculous charade. I am leaving in the morning!
Uncle Cyrus: We shall see about that! By the by, we have an important visitor in the morning, and you will be in attendance. Or else.
Comments
Mr. Codswallop: I am most assuredly not being joined in matrimony next week.
Uncle Cyrus: I do not believe that you fully understand the gravity of the situation.
Mr. Codswallop: It is grave indeed. My grave!
Uncle Cyrus: First of all, you have no choice in the matter. The lady in question is Bloodline, from two sources. Are you aware of the history of the Bloodline, from the works of such scholars as Sitchin, Freer, Gardner, and Whitley?
Mr. Codswallop: I have dabbled in their philosophies of Niburu and the Annunaki.
Uncle Cyrus: Your betrothed is Bloodline from Jesus and Mary Magdalene on one side, and from Jesus' brother James, on the other.
Mr. Codswallop: That has little to do with my circumstances. Perhaps you shuld consider partaking of the nuptials yourself.
Uncle Cyrus: You are the best option, as your mother's Bloodline family was from the south of France, and was Albeghensian. She passed that "fairy blood" on to you, as the Bloodline passes through the female line.
Mr. Codswallop: Be that as it may, I refuse to say "I do". As a matter of fact, "I do not" is more appropriate in this instance.
Uncle Cyrus: Well, my boy, let me lay the proverbial cards on the table for you. The hand that you have been dealt, is one of truly cosmic proportions.
Mr. Codswallop: You exaggerate in a manner that your brother Uncle Cedric would enjoy wholeheartedly.
Uncle Cyrus: Your union with your betrothed, will produce an heir, who will possess the most concentrated Bloodline on Earth. Your heir will be the true Ruler of this planet.
Mr. Codswallop: As Flapdoodle would say in his colloquial manner, "Yeah right!"
Uncle Cyrus: Combining the Bloodline, with the recovered Annunaki weaponry that we Codswallops possess, the control of the planet is indeed ours. Your Uncle Cedric's wild excursions, have paid off very nicely in recovered artifacts, as did many generations of our family safaris before him.
Mr. Codswallop: I have no interest in ruling the world, or having any children of mine, exercise such unbridled power.
Uncle Cyrus: You may not be aware, but the Annunaki still own this planet. We are their cattle herd. They have many rivals from other star systems, who wish to take over the ownership of the Earth. So far the Annunaki have maintained control. Our destiny, as rulers of the Earth, is to take back the planet for humanity. We must be freed from alien ownership!
Mr. Codswallop: That story is so ludicrous, that no one could ever possibly be so gullible, as to ever believe it. Your goal is only to seize global power!
Uncle Cyrus: The Annunaki ships are on their way to Earth as we speak. Should they arrive unchallenged, they will reclaim the thrones of the world, ushering in feudal control by alien entities. They are also challenged by other species who will use our Solar System as their batleground. Earth will be the final stand. That, my boy, is Armageddon!
Mr. Codswallop: Why not merely let the Annunaki and the other alien entities fight it out near Pluto and destroy one another? That seems perfectly logical to me!
Uncle Cyrus: We have the weaponry courtesy of the Annunaki. All we need is the leadership. You and your wife will be that Royal Family, with an immediate heir.
Mr. Codswallop: You can attempt your diabolical plot without me. Flapdoodle and I have a public house to manage.
Uncle Cyrus: Flapdoodle has already betrayed you and joined with us. He is being initiated into the Order of the Knights Templar as we speak. If it is any consolation, he can be your personal Knight, as Joseph is mine.
Mr. Codswallop: I refuse to participate in this ridiculous charade. I am leaving in the morning!
Uncle Cyrus: We shall see about that! By the by, we have an important visitor in the morning, and you will be in attendance. Or else.
Comments
Tuesday, February 10, 2004
A wholey holy and very holey...oops
Mr. Codswallop: I am rather shocked at this week's Blogger Idol topic.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Yup. It's a great one alright.
Mr. Codswallop: I always believed that Darren Rowse at Living Room was an individual working toward a higher standard.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Oops!
Mr. Codswallop: That is it precisely! A topic about errors and gaffes.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Like the time I spilled some of Mr. McGillicutty's bargain basement brew on the Reverend Bicklighter.
Mr. Codswallop: You were imbibing that vile concoction during the Church tea.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I don't like tea.
Mr. Codswallop: That dreadful creation burned a hole in the good minister's robes.
Mr. Flapdoodle: It wasn't that large of a hole.
Mr. Codswallop: That is only if you consider a rugby ball to be small.
Mr. Flapdoodle: The biggest problem was the location.
Mr. Codswallop: The Reverend must have experienced terrible discomfort.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Good thing his kids were already born.
Mr. Codswallop: You appear to have no remorse about the potential physical damage to the minister's more personal areas.
Mr. Flapdoodle: As a preacher, he's not supposed to think about stuff like that anyway.
Mr. Codswallop: Your rather cavalier attitude toward possible personal injury is shocking.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I never tried to electrocute him. I just spilled some home brew on him.
Mr. Codswallop: I don't believe the ladies present, would want to be informed, that the good man's underwear were completely destroyed.
Mr. Flapdoodle: There were no secrets to anyone there. That's for sure.
Mr. Codswallop: He would have escaped with his dignity somewhat intact, had you not shouted that word.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Oops!
Comments
Mr. Flapdoodle: Yup. It's a great one alright.
Mr. Codswallop: I always believed that Darren Rowse at Living Room was an individual working toward a higher standard.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Oops!
Mr. Codswallop: That is it precisely! A topic about errors and gaffes.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Like the time I spilled some of Mr. McGillicutty's bargain basement brew on the Reverend Bicklighter.
Mr. Codswallop: You were imbibing that vile concoction during the Church tea.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I don't like tea.
Mr. Codswallop: That dreadful creation burned a hole in the good minister's robes.
Mr. Flapdoodle: It wasn't that large of a hole.
Mr. Codswallop: That is only if you consider a rugby ball to be small.
Mr. Flapdoodle: The biggest problem was the location.
Mr. Codswallop: The Reverend must have experienced terrible discomfort.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Good thing his kids were already born.
Mr. Codswallop: You appear to have no remorse about the potential physical damage to the minister's more personal areas.
Mr. Flapdoodle: As a preacher, he's not supposed to think about stuff like that anyway.
Mr. Codswallop: Your rather cavalier attitude toward possible personal injury is shocking.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I never tried to electrocute him. I just spilled some home brew on him.
Mr. Codswallop: I don't believe the ladies present, would want to be informed, that the good man's underwear were completely destroyed.
Mr. Flapdoodle: There were no secrets to anyone there. That's for sure.
Mr. Codswallop: He would have escaped with his dignity somewhat intact, had you not shouted that word.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Oops!
Comments
Monday, February 09, 2004
Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel VI
Mr. Flapdoodle: Wow! We are in jolly old England and the rest of you flew First Class. The cargo bay had some great stuff though.
Joseph: We are in Scotland, at the Codswallop Manor near Rosslyn Chapel. Do you have any geographical knowledge whatsoever.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I saw a globe once. Canada was pink. If this is Scotland then pour me some Scotch! And does it always rain here?
Joseph: It is bracing weather, very invigourating.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well, it seems to be getting more bracing all of the time!
Joseph: You are with me, here in Scotland, to be added to our Order.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I already ordered a Scotch. Make it a double.
Joseph: As Codswallop's friend and member of the Order, you will be required to perform duties for he and his wife, as I do for Cyrus. You will be privy to above top secret information on weaponry, the Bloodline, and the true history of humanity and the world. You will have to forget that nonsense ,that you studied so dilligently at school, that was referred to laughingly as history.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I didn't know I ever took any history at school. I must have missed that day. And there is that wedding idea again! Codswallop is not getting married.
Joseph: I believe you fail to recognize that Codswallop has no choice in the matter. The die is cast for greater things on and above this earth.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I only care about my friend and his happiness.
Joseph: He has already agreed to marry the young lady and unite with her Bloodline, and claim his birthright as a Codswallop. As even you can see, the wealth of the Codswallops is enormous, as a result of their knowledge and power. Joined with the Bloodline, there is potential for a very powerful world dynasty!
Mr. Flapdoodle: He will not marry her! He believes in love and romance and happily ever after.
Joseph: He has already agreed Flapdoodle, and whether you agree or not, will not change that. He has betrayed you, but you can still join with our Order and swear a blood oath to protect the Bloodline and the Codswallop family secrets.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I don't believe that, but I guess I may as well take a look at your Orders and see what they say.
Joseph: To join the Order of the Knights Templar is a complete lifetime committment. Here in Scotland, is where the Templars took refuge, after their defeat in France. They helped Robert the Bruce drive the English from the field at Bannockburn, perhaps with some divine weaponry at their disposal.
Mr. Flapdoodle: This is a garbage disposal?
Joseph: I can see that we have a lot of work to do, and very little time to complete it.
Comments
Joseph: We are in Scotland, at the Codswallop Manor near Rosslyn Chapel. Do you have any geographical knowledge whatsoever.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I saw a globe once. Canada was pink. If this is Scotland then pour me some Scotch! And does it always rain here?
Joseph: It is bracing weather, very invigourating.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well, it seems to be getting more bracing all of the time!
Joseph: You are with me, here in Scotland, to be added to our Order.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I already ordered a Scotch. Make it a double.
Joseph: As Codswallop's friend and member of the Order, you will be required to perform duties for he and his wife, as I do for Cyrus. You will be privy to above top secret information on weaponry, the Bloodline, and the true history of humanity and the world. You will have to forget that nonsense ,that you studied so dilligently at school, that was referred to laughingly as history.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I didn't know I ever took any history at school. I must have missed that day. And there is that wedding idea again! Codswallop is not getting married.
Joseph: I believe you fail to recognize that Codswallop has no choice in the matter. The die is cast for greater things on and above this earth.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I only care about my friend and his happiness.
Joseph: He has already agreed to marry the young lady and unite with her Bloodline, and claim his birthright as a Codswallop. As even you can see, the wealth of the Codswallops is enormous, as a result of their knowledge and power. Joined with the Bloodline, there is potential for a very powerful world dynasty!
Mr. Flapdoodle: He will not marry her! He believes in love and romance and happily ever after.
Joseph: He has already agreed Flapdoodle, and whether you agree or not, will not change that. He has betrayed you, but you can still join with our Order and swear a blood oath to protect the Bloodline and the Codswallop family secrets.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I don't believe that, but I guess I may as well take a look at your Orders and see what they say.
Joseph: To join the Order of the Knights Templar is a complete lifetime committment. Here in Scotland, is where the Templars took refuge, after their defeat in France. They helped Robert the Bruce drive the English from the field at Bannockburn, perhaps with some divine weaponry at their disposal.
Mr. Flapdoodle: This is a garbage disposal?
Joseph: I can see that we have a lot of work to do, and very little time to complete it.
Comments
Sunday, February 08, 2004
Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel V
Uncle Cyrus: Where has that worthless nephew of mine hidden himself?
Joseph: They cannot have run far. That imbecile Flapdoodle is with your nephew. He will only slow his progress.
Uncle Cyrus: This marriage must take place. Her family and mine depend upon it.
Joseph: Unfortunately, your nephew is the only marriageable Codswallop, besides yourself and Cedric, of course.
Uncle Cyrus: No! It must be my nephew! He may carry some dragon blood himself, through his mother.
Jospeh: You mean that totally unsuitable, if admittedly very beautiful redhead, your late brother Cyril married?
Uncle Cyrus: Yes, some of our geneological studies have made that connection. I am surprised you have not found it yourself. You are the heraldic and geneological expert.
Joseph: I had never considered Cyril's wife. He was such a shiftless disgrace to the family and she was...well...colonial.
Uncle Cyrus: The War should have stirred Cyril's blood, as it does for every real Codswallop. Instead, he resigned his commission and married that Canadian girl. In the wilds of that frigid land, they perished in an automobile accident.
Joseph: We then raised your nephew. We sent him to Eton as expected, but he ran away before entering Oxford. He is running away now!
Uncle Cyrus: This cowardice will end. He will marry Lady "Elizabeth", for the good of all humanity.
Joseph: You are not going to have full disclosure of what you conceal?
Uncle Cyrus: Your blasphemy does not become you, Joseph. The useless eaters of the world cannot accept the truth. They are like small children, who need to be fed comforting lies.
Joseph: I agree with your assessment entirely. We must find your nephew, and for some reason, I think we need need to keep a watchful eye on that bufoon Flapdoodle.
Uncle Cyrus: There are solutions for problems, even greater than he could possibly pose.
Comments
Joseph: They cannot have run far. That imbecile Flapdoodle is with your nephew. He will only slow his progress.
Uncle Cyrus: This marriage must take place. Her family and mine depend upon it.
Joseph: Unfortunately, your nephew is the only marriageable Codswallop, besides yourself and Cedric, of course.
Uncle Cyrus: No! It must be my nephew! He may carry some dragon blood himself, through his mother.
Jospeh: You mean that totally unsuitable, if admittedly very beautiful redhead, your late brother Cyril married?
Uncle Cyrus: Yes, some of our geneological studies have made that connection. I am surprised you have not found it yourself. You are the heraldic and geneological expert.
Joseph: I had never considered Cyril's wife. He was such a shiftless disgrace to the family and she was...well...colonial.
Uncle Cyrus: The War should have stirred Cyril's blood, as it does for every real Codswallop. Instead, he resigned his commission and married that Canadian girl. In the wilds of that frigid land, they perished in an automobile accident.
Joseph: We then raised your nephew. We sent him to Eton as expected, but he ran away before entering Oxford. He is running away now!
Uncle Cyrus: This cowardice will end. He will marry Lady "Elizabeth", for the good of all humanity.
Joseph: You are not going to have full disclosure of what you conceal?
Uncle Cyrus: Your blasphemy does not become you, Joseph. The useless eaters of the world cannot accept the truth. They are like small children, who need to be fed comforting lies.
Joseph: I agree with your assessment entirely. We must find your nephew, and for some reason, I think we need need to keep a watchful eye on that bufoon Flapdoodle.
Uncle Cyrus: There are solutions for problems, even greater than he could possibly pose.
Comments
Saturday, February 07, 2004
Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel IV
Meanwhile, on the other side of the saloon, Mr. Flapdoodle is deep in a discussion, about the Codswallop family, with Joseph. They are also deep into their third Gutter Finder.
Joseph: I say! These are marvelous concoctions. What do you call them?
Mr. Flapdoodle: I call them Gutter Finders. It is my secret recipe of seven liqueurs and spirits.
Joseph: Perhaps we should have another. I suspect that no good is coming of the Codswallop family discussion.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Coming right up! What is the problem? Codswallop can sense a disturbance in the Force.
Joseph: Perhaps, as the General would frighten Darth Vader himself.
Mr. Flapdoodle: What exactly are they discussing? Codswallop looks almost ill.
Joseph: What I am about to tell you is above top secret. You are bound forever to secrecy on pain of death.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Yeah right.
Joseph: I am serious. Many people have had unfortunate accidents following a disclosure of this information.
Mr. Flapdoodle: They were probably the ones who said a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.
Joseph: I am bound by my family ties to forever protect the Bloodline.
Mr. Flapdoodle: You raise racehorses?
Joseph: Not those bloodlines, I am talking about The Bloodline, the Bloodline of the Holy Grail, the Sangreal.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I heard Cedric discuss that. I luckily fell asleep. The sight of blood makes me toss my breakfast.
Joseph: Do you care to know how the Bloodline involves your friend?
Mr. Flapdoodle: That would help.
Joseph: Your friend is about to be married.
Mr. Flapdoodle (shooting his mouthful of liquor across the table): Say what?
Joseph: He is to wed Lady Elizabeth Smythe-Smythe. She is a scion of the Bloodline. The Codswallops have become very wealthy, from knowing an ancient Bloodline secret. I only possess vague hints about what that secret may involve for humanity.
Mr. Flapdoodle: This Liz Smith, why is she so important. If she was marrying Codswallop, I would know about it.
Joseph: The name is only a cover. She is part of a special Bloodline family tracing back to ancient Sumeria.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I knew Codswallop did something last summer. He got her pregnant, didn't he?
Joseph: The Codswallops have wanted an opportunity to wed their knowledge, of the ancient power of perhaps the Ark of the Covenant or the Stargates, to the Bloodline. This is their chance.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well why are you involved? You hold the shotgun?
Joseph: It is a bit like that. I represent the Order of the Knights Templar. My line is sworn to protect the dragon blood at all costs.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Not at the cost of my friend. I'll stop it if I have to.
Jospeh: "Elizabeth" has powerful allies and connections. You would not last a day.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well, what does she do for a living? Or is she too rich for that?
Joseph: She is independently wealthy beyond your humble imaginings. She is an advisor to what the Yanks call a "think tank". She advises on radical population reduction for the planet. She quite enjoys her work too, I might add.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Then why marry Codswallop?
Joseph: She needs the Annunaki technology hidden by the Codswallops. They take the secret to their graves, despite huge amounts of bribery money and powerful social positions being thrown at their feet. You do not believe, that they worked their way through the military ranks on merit, do you?
Mr. Flapdoodle: I must stop the wedding!
Joseph: As a Knight Templar, I must stop you!
Mr. Flapdoodle: Catch me if you can! You have had four Gutter Finders! No one rises from that! Run!
Comments
Joseph: I say! These are marvelous concoctions. What do you call them?
Mr. Flapdoodle: I call them Gutter Finders. It is my secret recipe of seven liqueurs and spirits.
Joseph: Perhaps we should have another. I suspect that no good is coming of the Codswallop family discussion.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Coming right up! What is the problem? Codswallop can sense a disturbance in the Force.
Joseph: Perhaps, as the General would frighten Darth Vader himself.
Mr. Flapdoodle: What exactly are they discussing? Codswallop looks almost ill.
Joseph: What I am about to tell you is above top secret. You are bound forever to secrecy on pain of death.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Yeah right.
Joseph: I am serious. Many people have had unfortunate accidents following a disclosure of this information.
Mr. Flapdoodle: They were probably the ones who said a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.
Joseph: I am bound by my family ties to forever protect the Bloodline.
Mr. Flapdoodle: You raise racehorses?
Joseph: Not those bloodlines, I am talking about The Bloodline, the Bloodline of the Holy Grail, the Sangreal.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I heard Cedric discuss that. I luckily fell asleep. The sight of blood makes me toss my breakfast.
Joseph: Do you care to know how the Bloodline involves your friend?
Mr. Flapdoodle: That would help.
Joseph: Your friend is about to be married.
Mr. Flapdoodle (shooting his mouthful of liquor across the table): Say what?
Joseph: He is to wed Lady Elizabeth Smythe-Smythe. She is a scion of the Bloodline. The Codswallops have become very wealthy, from knowing an ancient Bloodline secret. I only possess vague hints about what that secret may involve for humanity.
Mr. Flapdoodle: This Liz Smith, why is she so important. If she was marrying Codswallop, I would know about it.
Joseph: The name is only a cover. She is part of a special Bloodline family tracing back to ancient Sumeria.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I knew Codswallop did something last summer. He got her pregnant, didn't he?
Joseph: The Codswallops have wanted an opportunity to wed their knowledge, of the ancient power of perhaps the Ark of the Covenant or the Stargates, to the Bloodline. This is their chance.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well why are you involved? You hold the shotgun?
Joseph: It is a bit like that. I represent the Order of the Knights Templar. My line is sworn to protect the dragon blood at all costs.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Not at the cost of my friend. I'll stop it if I have to.
Jospeh: "Elizabeth" has powerful allies and connections. You would not last a day.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well, what does she do for a living? Or is she too rich for that?
Joseph: She is independently wealthy beyond your humble imaginings. She is an advisor to what the Yanks call a "think tank". She advises on radical population reduction for the planet. She quite enjoys her work too, I might add.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Then why marry Codswallop?
Joseph: She needs the Annunaki technology hidden by the Codswallops. They take the secret to their graves, despite huge amounts of bribery money and powerful social positions being thrown at their feet. You do not believe, that they worked their way through the military ranks on merit, do you?
Mr. Flapdoodle: I must stop the wedding!
Joseph: As a Knight Templar, I must stop you!
Mr. Flapdoodle: Catch me if you can! You have had four Gutter Finders! No one rises from that! Run!
Comments
Friday, February 06, 2004
Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel III
Mr. Codswallop (in the corner behind the bar): Flapdoodle, what options do I have to avoid a horrible confrontation with Uncle Cyrus?
Mr. Flapdoodle (trying not to give away the hideout): What could be so horrible? The old guy seems a little nuts, but harmless.
Mr. Codswallop: You have no idea what devilish schemes that Uncle Cyrus is able to concoct.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Then we will just have to find out then, won't we.
Mr. Codswallop: I suppose the inevitable must be faced at some point.
Mr. Flapdoodle: That's the spirit! Double Glenlivet coming up!
Mr. Codswallop collected himself as best he could. He straightened his clothes, combed his hair, and entered the barroom like he owned the place; which he did. Half of it anyway!
Mr. Codswallop: Greetings Uncle Cyrus. It is so wonderful to see you again Joseph.
Uncle Cyrus: You look dreadful. You are a disgrace to the family, but well shall remedy that problem.
Joseph: Flapdoodle, perhaps we should find another table.
Mr. Flapdoodle: My sentiments exactly.
Uncle Cyrus: Well, young man, have you sunk so low as to resort to trade?
Mr. Codswallop: Mr. Flapdoodle and I enjoy running the hostelry and we really like to visit with our friends.
Uncle Cyrus: Is that all you have to say for yourself?
Mr. Codswallop: Here in The Flapping Cod, the patrons are able to be themselves and express themselves openly without judgement. We offer fine beverages, Cuban cigars, and a vast library of the classics and esoteric works of a scholarly nature.
Uncle Cyrus: What a lot of humbug. You could have had a military career.
Mr. Codswallop: I have no interest in pursuing a career in the Armed Forces whatsoever.
Uncle Cyrus: You are a coward.
Mr. Codswallop: I prefer to consider myself cultured with an appreciation of life and its finer qualities.
Uncle Cyrus: Be that as it may, I will come directly to the reason for my visit.
Mr. Codswallop: Ah, the proverbial opposite shoe is about to drop.
Uncle Cyrus: It is time for you to get married.
Mr. Codswallop: I have not considered marriage. I have yet to meet the right lady among the millions of wonderful ladies.
Uncle Cyrus: I have a bride selected. The wedding will take place at the family estate in June.
Mr. Codswallop: Bride? Did you say bride? What bride? I am not aware that I have ever proposed marriage on any occasion.
Uncle Cyrus: You shall marry Elizabeth Smythe-Smythe.
Mr. Codswallop: I hesitate to ask as to the identity of the alleged betrothed. I have never heard of her.
Uncle Cyrus: She is the ideal wife for you. While she is not conventionally pretty, she has other qualities.
Mr. Codswallop: A lady's beauty comes from her warm loving heart and kind and generous soul.
Uncle Cyrus: She is Bloodline. Do you know what that means?
Mr. Codswallop: The Sangreal?
Uncle Cyrus: Yes. She is of the Dragon blood, and she truly realizes its importance. She never stoops to speaking to anyone of a lower social station from herslelf. The other day, a shop girl spoke to Elizabeth. The shop girl received a stern reproach for her insubordiation.
Mr. Codswallop: That is terrible! The lady at the shop was simply doing her job.
Uncle Cyrus: Elizabeth is the ideal wife for you! She is named for the Queen, in case you have forgotten.
Mr. Codswallop: That is all well and good but I must humbly withdraw from this engagement. After all, I never consented to its occurance in the first place.
Uncle Cyrus: We shall see about that! First of all, she brings an enormous dowry to the marriage. Secondly, she brings the Bloodline for your children. Thirdly, if you refuse, your connection to the family will be forever severed.
Mr. Codswallop: At risk of sounding like Mr. Flapdoodle, I will take the severing for a true Daily Double Alex.
Uncle Cyrus (rising angrily from the table): We shall see about that young man!
Comments
Mr. Flapdoodle (trying not to give away the hideout): What could be so horrible? The old guy seems a little nuts, but harmless.
Mr. Codswallop: You have no idea what devilish schemes that Uncle Cyrus is able to concoct.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Then we will just have to find out then, won't we.
Mr. Codswallop: I suppose the inevitable must be faced at some point.
Mr. Flapdoodle: That's the spirit! Double Glenlivet coming up!
Mr. Codswallop collected himself as best he could. He straightened his clothes, combed his hair, and entered the barroom like he owned the place; which he did. Half of it anyway!
Mr. Codswallop: Greetings Uncle Cyrus. It is so wonderful to see you again Joseph.
Uncle Cyrus: You look dreadful. You are a disgrace to the family, but well shall remedy that problem.
Joseph: Flapdoodle, perhaps we should find another table.
Mr. Flapdoodle: My sentiments exactly.
Uncle Cyrus: Well, young man, have you sunk so low as to resort to trade?
Mr. Codswallop: Mr. Flapdoodle and I enjoy running the hostelry and we really like to visit with our friends.
Uncle Cyrus: Is that all you have to say for yourself?
Mr. Codswallop: Here in The Flapping Cod, the patrons are able to be themselves and express themselves openly without judgement. We offer fine beverages, Cuban cigars, and a vast library of the classics and esoteric works of a scholarly nature.
Uncle Cyrus: What a lot of humbug. You could have had a military career.
Mr. Codswallop: I have no interest in pursuing a career in the Armed Forces whatsoever.
Uncle Cyrus: You are a coward.
Mr. Codswallop: I prefer to consider myself cultured with an appreciation of life and its finer qualities.
Uncle Cyrus: Be that as it may, I will come directly to the reason for my visit.
Mr. Codswallop: Ah, the proverbial opposite shoe is about to drop.
Uncle Cyrus: It is time for you to get married.
Mr. Codswallop: I have not considered marriage. I have yet to meet the right lady among the millions of wonderful ladies.
Uncle Cyrus: I have a bride selected. The wedding will take place at the family estate in June.
Mr. Codswallop: Bride? Did you say bride? What bride? I am not aware that I have ever proposed marriage on any occasion.
Uncle Cyrus: You shall marry Elizabeth Smythe-Smythe.
Mr. Codswallop: I hesitate to ask as to the identity of the alleged betrothed. I have never heard of her.
Uncle Cyrus: She is the ideal wife for you. While she is not conventionally pretty, she has other qualities.
Mr. Codswallop: A lady's beauty comes from her warm loving heart and kind and generous soul.
Uncle Cyrus: She is Bloodline. Do you know what that means?
Mr. Codswallop: The Sangreal?
Uncle Cyrus: Yes. She is of the Dragon blood, and she truly realizes its importance. She never stoops to speaking to anyone of a lower social station from herslelf. The other day, a shop girl spoke to Elizabeth. The shop girl received a stern reproach for her insubordiation.
Mr. Codswallop: That is terrible! The lady at the shop was simply doing her job.
Uncle Cyrus: Elizabeth is the ideal wife for you! She is named for the Queen, in case you have forgotten.
Mr. Codswallop: That is all well and good but I must humbly withdraw from this engagement. After all, I never consented to its occurance in the first place.
Uncle Cyrus: We shall see about that! First of all, she brings an enormous dowry to the marriage. Secondly, she brings the Bloodline for your children. Thirdly, if you refuse, your connection to the family will be forever severed.
Mr. Codswallop: At risk of sounding like Mr. Flapdoodle, I will take the severing for a true Daily Double Alex.
Uncle Cyrus (rising angrily from the table): We shall see about that young man!
Comments
Thursday, February 05, 2004
Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel II
Two distinguished gentlemen appear at the door of the saloon. The taller of the two men is dressed in the finest bespoke Saville Row grey flannel. His full head of snow white hair is immaculately combed, framing the permanent scowl on his florid complexion. The other man is more conventionally attired in an off the rack navy coloured suit and tie. His short grey hair tops a smiling face, in total contrast to his companion.
Mr. Flapdoodle (Going to the door). You must be Joseph, and Uncle Cyrus, great to see you again!
Uncle Cyrus: Get out of my way, you ridiculous buffoon. Where is that worthless nephew of mine!
Mr. Flapdoodle: And a good day to you too. May I get you something from the bar?
Uncle Cyrus: Your best Scotch whisky and your glasses had better be immaculate!
Mr. Flapdoodle: Is The Glenlivet okay?
Uncle Cyrus: I suppose in a plebian ale house such as this, it is probably more than can reasonabley be expected by anyone not named Bubba.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I don't think we have any patrons named Bubba, but I could check. Is Bubba a friend of yours?
Uncle Cyrus: Where is my nephew?
Joseph: Perhaps the lad is busy working.
Uncle Cyrus (wiping the seat and back of his chair): That lazy cur will be off on some silly expedition, but even that is preferable to being in....trade!
Joseph: Your nephew and his partner seem to be working hard at their business here. This seems to be a pleasant local. They even have the classics to read.
Uncle Cyrus: I doubt that my worthless nephew ever reads them. He was to follow the family tradition and enter Balliol College at Oxford. Instead, he disgraced the family by attending a provincial University in the Colonies.
Joseph: You mean in Canada?
Uncle Cyrus: Of course I mean Canada. Why he would select that snow infested land is unfathonable. One consolation, however, he avoided the vulgar American institutions of supposed learning.
Joseph: I know some fine graduates of universities in both Canada and the United States. Australia too!
Uncle Cyrus: What more could I expect from you. Your wartime companions were often of the lowest sort. You, a graduate of Oxford, although Trinity College, enlisting in the Second War as a lowly Private. You actually shared a filthy barracks with such riff raff!
Joseph: They were good men. They were loyal, honest, and did their duty.
Uncle Cyrus: However, the family was much relieved to hear that you finally came to your senses and became an officer. Father was so proud when you became a Captain.
Joseph: Yes, I remember that too. He told me of a Captain in The Great War who shot ten men in the head because they were new recruits and terrified to go over the top.
Uncle Cyrus: I would have done the same thing. There is no room for cowards in war. Father always said a man had to be prepared to slow march toward the mchine guns, the pipers playing Onward Christian Soldiers, as they marched forward against the heathen foe.
Joseph: Your father was a General. He never saw the horror of the trenches.
Uncle Cyrus: I beg to differ. As a young Colonel, Father was able to capture a very important three foot stretch of ground at a loss of only two thirds of his force. Father was always so proud when he told that tale. No one held back in the trenches when Father was in command!
Joseph: No wonder. They all knew he would summarily execute them on the spot!
Uncle Cyrus: Where is my scotch?
Mr. Flapdoodle: Here you are. A fresh bottle of The Glenlivet, a brand new glass. Never used!
Uncle Cyrus: Where is that worthless nephew of mine?
Joseph: Sit down and join us Flapdoodle. Have a drink! I think I will pour you a stiff one, just like mine!
Mr. Flapdoodle: I can see why. Thanks.
Comments
Mr. Flapdoodle (Going to the door). You must be Joseph, and Uncle Cyrus, great to see you again!
Uncle Cyrus: Get out of my way, you ridiculous buffoon. Where is that worthless nephew of mine!
Mr. Flapdoodle: And a good day to you too. May I get you something from the bar?
Uncle Cyrus: Your best Scotch whisky and your glasses had better be immaculate!
Mr. Flapdoodle: Is The Glenlivet okay?
Uncle Cyrus: I suppose in a plebian ale house such as this, it is probably more than can reasonabley be expected by anyone not named Bubba.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I don't think we have any patrons named Bubba, but I could check. Is Bubba a friend of yours?
Uncle Cyrus: Where is my nephew?
Joseph: Perhaps the lad is busy working.
Uncle Cyrus (wiping the seat and back of his chair): That lazy cur will be off on some silly expedition, but even that is preferable to being in....trade!
Joseph: Your nephew and his partner seem to be working hard at their business here. This seems to be a pleasant local. They even have the classics to read.
Uncle Cyrus: I doubt that my worthless nephew ever reads them. He was to follow the family tradition and enter Balliol College at Oxford. Instead, he disgraced the family by attending a provincial University in the Colonies.
Joseph: You mean in Canada?
Uncle Cyrus: Of course I mean Canada. Why he would select that snow infested land is unfathonable. One consolation, however, he avoided the vulgar American institutions of supposed learning.
Joseph: I know some fine graduates of universities in both Canada and the United States. Australia too!
Uncle Cyrus: What more could I expect from you. Your wartime companions were often of the lowest sort. You, a graduate of Oxford, although Trinity College, enlisting in the Second War as a lowly Private. You actually shared a filthy barracks with such riff raff!
Joseph: They were good men. They were loyal, honest, and did their duty.
Uncle Cyrus: However, the family was much relieved to hear that you finally came to your senses and became an officer. Father was so proud when you became a Captain.
Joseph: Yes, I remember that too. He told me of a Captain in The Great War who shot ten men in the head because they were new recruits and terrified to go over the top.
Uncle Cyrus: I would have done the same thing. There is no room for cowards in war. Father always said a man had to be prepared to slow march toward the mchine guns, the pipers playing Onward Christian Soldiers, as they marched forward against the heathen foe.
Joseph: Your father was a General. He never saw the horror of the trenches.
Uncle Cyrus: I beg to differ. As a young Colonel, Father was able to capture a very important three foot stretch of ground at a loss of only two thirds of his force. Father was always so proud when he told that tale. No one held back in the trenches when Father was in command!
Joseph: No wonder. They all knew he would summarily execute them on the spot!
Uncle Cyrus: Where is my scotch?
Mr. Flapdoodle: Here you are. A fresh bottle of The Glenlivet, a brand new glass. Never used!
Uncle Cyrus: Where is that worthless nephew of mine?
Joseph: Sit down and join us Flapdoodle. Have a drink! I think I will pour you a stiff one, just like mine!
Mr. Flapdoodle: I can see why. Thanks.
Comments
Wednesday, February 04, 2004
Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel I
Mr. Codswallop: Flapdoodle! Come here at once! I have the most terrible news!
Mr. Flapdoodle: You're getting married? Congrats!
Mr. Codswallop: No. No. I just got off of the telephone with Joseph, the family....I do not know precisely his status...friend, I suppose.
Mr. Flapdoodle: And that is bad? Your family has friends?
Mr. Codswallop: Joseph informed me that he, and Uncle Cyrus Codswallop, are arriving for an informal visit.
Mr. Flapdoodle: That sounds great! I'll make sure the glasses are clean!
Mr. Codswallop: I do not believe that you know of Uncle Cyrus. He is not like Uncle Cedric. They are brothers, but entirely different from one another.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I liked Cedric. He could chug that dark ale like nobody's business!
Mr. Codswallop: Uncle Cyrus is often referred to as The General, by those in his acquaintance.
Mr. Flapdoodle: You mean he was in the Army?
Mr. Codswallop: Uncle Cyrus's service in the Armed Forces, is a bit of a mystery to all concerned, but he carried the rank of General.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Is that all you know about him?
Mr. Codswallop: To be perfectly truthful, I have always been terrified of Uncle Cyrus. All who meet him feel instant terror.
Mr. Flapdoodle: We'll get a few of our patented Gutter Finders into him. That will loosen him up!
Mr. Codswallop: Uncle Cyrus only drinks the most elite brands of Scotch. Our Glenlivet and Glenfiddich are almost beneath his tastes. He will drink them only very begrudgingly.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I guess the Gutter Finders are out then.
Mr. Codswallop: Joseph was vague about when they would be arriving in America. I do know they are flying First Class, on the Concorde, fron Great Britain. Uncle Cyrus only flies First Class, or on the family Lear Jet.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Is he loaded or something?
Mr. Codswallop: He is extremely wealthy, and he uses that monetary power as a weapon of mass destruction, for all concerned.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Good thing I'm broke, and I don't care.
Mr. Codswallop: I would wager that Uncle Cyrus has some terrible reason for visiting me. He never does anything without good cause. By good cause, I would point out, is whatever is advantageous to himself.
Mr. Flapdoodle: What a joy! I can hardly wait until Cy and Joe show up!
Mr. Codswallop: I am certainly able to wait. Unfortunately, an eternity would be too short of a time.
Mr. Flapdoodle: This is going to be fun!
Comments
Mr. Flapdoodle: You're getting married? Congrats!
Mr. Codswallop: No. No. I just got off of the telephone with Joseph, the family....I do not know precisely his status...friend, I suppose.
Mr. Flapdoodle: And that is bad? Your family has friends?
Mr. Codswallop: Joseph informed me that he, and Uncle Cyrus Codswallop, are arriving for an informal visit.
Mr. Flapdoodle: That sounds great! I'll make sure the glasses are clean!
Mr. Codswallop: I do not believe that you know of Uncle Cyrus. He is not like Uncle Cedric. They are brothers, but entirely different from one another.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I liked Cedric. He could chug that dark ale like nobody's business!
Mr. Codswallop: Uncle Cyrus is often referred to as The General, by those in his acquaintance.
Mr. Flapdoodle: You mean he was in the Army?
Mr. Codswallop: Uncle Cyrus's service in the Armed Forces, is a bit of a mystery to all concerned, but he carried the rank of General.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Is that all you know about him?
Mr. Codswallop: To be perfectly truthful, I have always been terrified of Uncle Cyrus. All who meet him feel instant terror.
Mr. Flapdoodle: We'll get a few of our patented Gutter Finders into him. That will loosen him up!
Mr. Codswallop: Uncle Cyrus only drinks the most elite brands of Scotch. Our Glenlivet and Glenfiddich are almost beneath his tastes. He will drink them only very begrudgingly.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I guess the Gutter Finders are out then.
Mr. Codswallop: Joseph was vague about when they would be arriving in America. I do know they are flying First Class, on the Concorde, fron Great Britain. Uncle Cyrus only flies First Class, or on the family Lear Jet.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Is he loaded or something?
Mr. Codswallop: He is extremely wealthy, and he uses that monetary power as a weapon of mass destruction, for all concerned.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Good thing I'm broke, and I don't care.
Mr. Codswallop: I would wager that Uncle Cyrus has some terrible reason for visiting me. He never does anything without good cause. By good cause, I would point out, is whatever is advantageous to himself.
Mr. Flapdoodle: What a joy! I can hardly wait until Cy and Joe show up!
Mr. Codswallop: I am certainly able to wait. Unfortunately, an eternity would be too short of a time.
Mr. Flapdoodle: This is going to be fun!
Comments
Tuesday, February 03, 2004
A Flapdoodle Dream....Or was it?
Two friends find themselves on a field of battle, in a manner that reminds them of the tales of elder days, when giants and other beings roamed the Earth. Maybe they still do.
Mr. Codswallop: I have no chance to battle that giant man. At least young David possessed a sling. I have only Uncle Cedric's rapier to meet the thrusts of his huge broad sword.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Things might go your way. You never know!
Mr. Codswallop: Thank you, dear friend for your vote of confidence, but we must fairly assess the gravity of the circumstances.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Yep. Put his giant butt in the grave.
Mr. Codswallop: Should I be cut down in battle, please know that I shall give it everything I have in my frail old body.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Do you know anything about that rapier of yours?
Mr. Codswallop: Yes! It has been in the Codswallop family since the Wars of the Hundred Kings!
Mr. Flapdoodle: Is that all?
Mr. Codswallop: I should think that should be a substantial history. At least I never gave the family rapier away, as you have done with your family sword!
Mr. Flapdoodle: Then you don't know, do you?
Mr. Codswallop: What do I not know then?
Mr. Flapdoodle: The real history.
Mr. Codswallop: No one remembers anything in this diabolical forested land.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I do. Thank the flasks. I was not fooled by the tricks of the trees. I stayed drunk!
Mr. Codswallop: Then you must tell me of this epic tale that you claim to know.
With that, Mr. Codswallop sat down in the grass, and handed the rapier to his friend, to tell its story.
Mr. Flapdoodle admired the rapier, and smiled, as if he knew more than he was saying. He began:
"Long ago, in the Wars of the Hundred Kings, this rapier was given to Abraham Codswallop, the leader of the Codswallop clan. He was a talker, just like you. I think that's why he got the job. The Wars had been going on for forty years, and all anyone knew in their lives, was the War. The only guys who liked it were the courtiers, who had slaves make the weapons, and the money lenders who financed them for the Hundred Kings. They sold and lent to both sides. Business was good!
"Well, anyway, Abraham met a wizard or something, no one knows. The wizard gave him the rapier, claiming faeries made it, or something like that. "It has the power to always save the ones you love." said the wizard, and then he left. I never knew why those wizard types never stick around very long. Anyway, the attack came to the village where the Codswallops lived. They escaped to the noble's fort, where they were told to get lost. It seemed there wasn't enough rancid food or stagnant water to go around or something.
"Well, Abraham pledged his men would fight and help defend the place, so they were let into the fort on that condition. The enemy attacked. Lots of enemies. So many that the wall was breached. Abraham knew what he had to do. He took six other men to the hole in the walls. Just before that, he gave the rapier to his wife, and told her to lead the women and children to safety. He kissed her and said goodbye. Off to the breach he went. Swinging a large sword, and with the other six fighting bravely too, Abraham held off the enemy. They fought long enough for the women and children to escape.
"Legends say that only Abraham and his friend, Hiram Flapdoodle, were the final two left standing, when the last of the families got out. They both fought like ten men, until they too were killed. They say Abraham died calling his wife's name. She was Hiram's sister."
With that revelation, Mr. Flapdoodle tipped his flask, and took a long drink. He smiled at the rapier.
He continued:
"Sarah Codswallop took her children to live in the forest, far from the Wars. Of course, the Wars found her. One day, as she was hanging the laundry, a band of soldiers came to the cabin. She quickly hid the two children in the cellar. She took the rapier, and prepared to die for her children. The soldiers had other ideas for her of course. She met their swords with the rapier. She swung wildly, and killed two, but there were lots more of them. She told the story of what happened next, to her children, but no one believed her. She said a little green clad man kept shouting to her, to believe in herself and that nothing could harm her. She shouted as she fought, and she killed or drove off the men. I don't know if it's true, or if help came, but that's the story anyway. I just go by what the wizard said. The rapier did protect the ones she loved, as getting it from Abraham, had protected her."
Mr. Flapdoodle swallowed another large mouthful of liquid from the flask. He handed the rapier back to Mr. Codswallop.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I am honoured to be your second, and to stand with you, as old Hiram Flapdoodle stood with Abraham Codswallop, at the breach in the wall!
Mr. Codswallop: I shall attempt to honour the memory of our anscestors from the elder days. There were heroes and heroines then, and there are many here today. I shall fight with everything that I have!
Mr. Flapdoodle: That's the spirit!
With a start...Mr. Flapdoodle awakened from his sleep.
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Mr. Codswallop: I have no chance to battle that giant man. At least young David possessed a sling. I have only Uncle Cedric's rapier to meet the thrusts of his huge broad sword.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Things might go your way. You never know!
Mr. Codswallop: Thank you, dear friend for your vote of confidence, but we must fairly assess the gravity of the circumstances.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Yep. Put his giant butt in the grave.
Mr. Codswallop: Should I be cut down in battle, please know that I shall give it everything I have in my frail old body.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Do you know anything about that rapier of yours?
Mr. Codswallop: Yes! It has been in the Codswallop family since the Wars of the Hundred Kings!
Mr. Flapdoodle: Is that all?
Mr. Codswallop: I should think that should be a substantial history. At least I never gave the family rapier away, as you have done with your family sword!
Mr. Flapdoodle: Then you don't know, do you?
Mr. Codswallop: What do I not know then?
Mr. Flapdoodle: The real history.
Mr. Codswallop: No one remembers anything in this diabolical forested land.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I do. Thank the flasks. I was not fooled by the tricks of the trees. I stayed drunk!
Mr. Codswallop: Then you must tell me of this epic tale that you claim to know.
With that, Mr. Codswallop sat down in the grass, and handed the rapier to his friend, to tell its story.
Mr. Flapdoodle admired the rapier, and smiled, as if he knew more than he was saying. He began:
"Long ago, in the Wars of the Hundred Kings, this rapier was given to Abraham Codswallop, the leader of the Codswallop clan. He was a talker, just like you. I think that's why he got the job. The Wars had been going on for forty years, and all anyone knew in their lives, was the War. The only guys who liked it were the courtiers, who had slaves make the weapons, and the money lenders who financed them for the Hundred Kings. They sold and lent to both sides. Business was good!
"Well, anyway, Abraham met a wizard or something, no one knows. The wizard gave him the rapier, claiming faeries made it, or something like that. "It has the power to always save the ones you love." said the wizard, and then he left. I never knew why those wizard types never stick around very long. Anyway, the attack came to the village where the Codswallops lived. They escaped to the noble's fort, where they were told to get lost. It seemed there wasn't enough rancid food or stagnant water to go around or something.
"Well, Abraham pledged his men would fight and help defend the place, so they were let into the fort on that condition. The enemy attacked. Lots of enemies. So many that the wall was breached. Abraham knew what he had to do. He took six other men to the hole in the walls. Just before that, he gave the rapier to his wife, and told her to lead the women and children to safety. He kissed her and said goodbye. Off to the breach he went. Swinging a large sword, and with the other six fighting bravely too, Abraham held off the enemy. They fought long enough for the women and children to escape.
"Legends say that only Abraham and his friend, Hiram Flapdoodle, were the final two left standing, when the last of the families got out. They both fought like ten men, until they too were killed. They say Abraham died calling his wife's name. She was Hiram's sister."
With that revelation, Mr. Flapdoodle tipped his flask, and took a long drink. He smiled at the rapier.
He continued:
"Sarah Codswallop took her children to live in the forest, far from the Wars. Of course, the Wars found her. One day, as she was hanging the laundry, a band of soldiers came to the cabin. She quickly hid the two children in the cellar. She took the rapier, and prepared to die for her children. The soldiers had other ideas for her of course. She met their swords with the rapier. She swung wildly, and killed two, but there were lots more of them. She told the story of what happened next, to her children, but no one believed her. She said a little green clad man kept shouting to her, to believe in herself and that nothing could harm her. She shouted as she fought, and she killed or drove off the men. I don't know if it's true, or if help came, but that's the story anyway. I just go by what the wizard said. The rapier did protect the ones she loved, as getting it from Abraham, had protected her."
Mr. Flapdoodle swallowed another large mouthful of liquid from the flask. He handed the rapier back to Mr. Codswallop.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I am honoured to be your second, and to stand with you, as old Hiram Flapdoodle stood with Abraham Codswallop, at the breach in the wall!
Mr. Codswallop: I shall attempt to honour the memory of our anscestors from the elder days. There were heroes and heroines then, and there are many here today. I shall fight with everything that I have!
Mr. Flapdoodle: That's the spirit!
With a start...Mr. Flapdoodle awakened from his sleep.
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Monday, February 02, 2004
Two Wards of the Rewards
Mr. Codswallop: I believe there is a lot of labour, yet to be undertaken, for our business venture to be a success.
Mr. Flapdoodle: We need an undertaker?
Mr. Codswallop: No one passed on to their heavenly reward. We simply have a lot of work to do between now and next month.
Mr. Flapdoodle: We are getting a reward next month?
Mr. Codswallop: No one is receiving a reward. What gave you that rather ludicrous idea?
Mr. Flapdoodle: You said I was getting a reward. I'll take cash.
Mr. Codswallop: I suppose you plan on spending this fictional reward in your usual delusional manner.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Thank you. Thank you. I'm looking forward to spending that money.
Mr. Codswallop: There is none of the alleged currency about which you are speaking.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I thought there was some money. I'll bet you are holding out on me.
Mr. Codswallop: There is no reward, and no money, and you are entirely confused.
Mr. Flapdoodle; So you did spend it all. I knew it.
Mr. Codswallop: Alas, I believe I need a holiday away from all of this joy.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Sure, sneak off with the reward money, and spend it on your vacation.
Mr. Codswallop: Alright, I confess, there was a reward. It was a substantial amount, and somehow we lost it.
Mr. Flapdoodle: You mean you don't have it?
Mr. Codswallop: I am afraid I am without any recompense, for whatever we were supposedly being rewarded for, in this or any other life.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I knew it. We got cheated.
Mr. Codswallop: Is that how you view this matter.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Yup.
Mr. Codswallop: Then we shall leave it at that, and ignore the rest.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I sure would like to have had that vacation though.
Mr. Codswallop: I'm afraid all there is for us, is more back breaking toil.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well, that's my usual reward, anyway!
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Mr. Flapdoodle: We need an undertaker?
Mr. Codswallop: No one passed on to their heavenly reward. We simply have a lot of work to do between now and next month.
Mr. Flapdoodle: We are getting a reward next month?
Mr. Codswallop: No one is receiving a reward. What gave you that rather ludicrous idea?
Mr. Flapdoodle: You said I was getting a reward. I'll take cash.
Mr. Codswallop: I suppose you plan on spending this fictional reward in your usual delusional manner.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Thank you. Thank you. I'm looking forward to spending that money.
Mr. Codswallop: There is none of the alleged currency about which you are speaking.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I thought there was some money. I'll bet you are holding out on me.
Mr. Codswallop: There is no reward, and no money, and you are entirely confused.
Mr. Flapdoodle; So you did spend it all. I knew it.
Mr. Codswallop: Alas, I believe I need a holiday away from all of this joy.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Sure, sneak off with the reward money, and spend it on your vacation.
Mr. Codswallop: Alright, I confess, there was a reward. It was a substantial amount, and somehow we lost it.
Mr. Flapdoodle: You mean you don't have it?
Mr. Codswallop: I am afraid I am without any recompense, for whatever we were supposedly being rewarded for, in this or any other life.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I knew it. We got cheated.
Mr. Codswallop: Is that how you view this matter.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Yup.
Mr. Codswallop: Then we shall leave it at that, and ignore the rest.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I sure would like to have had that vacation though.
Mr. Codswallop: I'm afraid all there is for us, is more back breaking toil.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well, that's my usual reward, anyway!
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Sunday, February 01, 2004
Days, Lives, Inns, and Outs
Sitting around their favourite table, in the darkened tavern, the two friends contemplated life, days, and zippers.
Mr. Codswallop: That philosophically oriented chap, Darren Rowse, at Blogger Idol has suggested a most intriguing topic for discussion.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Women?
Mr. Codswallop: You are rather one dimensional in your thought process are you not?
Mr. Flapdoodle: I have more than one dime, just look at my change. There are four of them. See!
Mr. Codswallop: Darren has suggested " a day in the life of.." as the concept for deliberation.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Who is being liberated? And why do we only have a day to do it?
Mr. Codswallop: I believe he wants either a worm's eye view of life, or perhaps a transcendentalist one, as a possible alternative.
Mr. Flapdoodle: How could a worm be in a trance? And how would you know if it was? I saw a show where a hypnotizing guy made the folks on stage act like circus animals. I laughed so hard, I almost had an accident.
Mr. Codswallop: I believe the matter could lead to a philosophical discussion of time, space, and life as we know it.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Or not.
Mr. Codswallop: What everyday, and perhaps ovelooked item, could have interest for a day within its life, perchance?
Mr. Flapdoodle: My socks?
Mr. Codswallop: I don't believe your changed twice monthly white sport socks could be of interest to anyone.
Mr. Flapdoodle: It was my best idea for a day so far.
Mr. Codswallop: Do you realize that some flies only live for one day, and that single day constitutes their entire life.
Mr. Flapdoodle: That's for sure. I bought a new pair of jeans, and the zipper on the fly broke in one day.
Mr. Codswallop: Have you ever thought of living one day like it was your last day upon this Earth?
Mr. Flapdoodle: You aren't planning anything dangerous are you? Cousin Ira once went sky diving, of course, he was in the Army then. That was before they kicked him out for...well...lots of things.
Mr. Codswallop: It is merely an academic contemplation.
Mr. Flapdoodle: You want to become a teacher? My Cousin Matilda was a teacher. The kids in her school put tacks on her chair every day.
Mr. Codswallop: I do not believe you understand the magnitude of a day in the grand scheme of Creation.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Nope.
Mr. Codswallop: At least you are honest about your intellectual limitations.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Yup.
Comments
Mr. Codswallop: That philosophically oriented chap, Darren Rowse, at Blogger Idol has suggested a most intriguing topic for discussion.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Women?
Mr. Codswallop: You are rather one dimensional in your thought process are you not?
Mr. Flapdoodle: I have more than one dime, just look at my change. There are four of them. See!
Mr. Codswallop: Darren has suggested " a day in the life of.." as the concept for deliberation.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Who is being liberated? And why do we only have a day to do it?
Mr. Codswallop: I believe he wants either a worm's eye view of life, or perhaps a transcendentalist one, as a possible alternative.
Mr. Flapdoodle: How could a worm be in a trance? And how would you know if it was? I saw a show where a hypnotizing guy made the folks on stage act like circus animals. I laughed so hard, I almost had an accident.
Mr. Codswallop: I believe the matter could lead to a philosophical discussion of time, space, and life as we know it.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Or not.
Mr. Codswallop: What everyday, and perhaps ovelooked item, could have interest for a day within its life, perchance?
Mr. Flapdoodle: My socks?
Mr. Codswallop: I don't believe your changed twice monthly white sport socks could be of interest to anyone.
Mr. Flapdoodle: It was my best idea for a day so far.
Mr. Codswallop: Do you realize that some flies only live for one day, and that single day constitutes their entire life.
Mr. Flapdoodle: That's for sure. I bought a new pair of jeans, and the zipper on the fly broke in one day.
Mr. Codswallop: Have you ever thought of living one day like it was your last day upon this Earth?
Mr. Flapdoodle: You aren't planning anything dangerous are you? Cousin Ira once went sky diving, of course, he was in the Army then. That was before they kicked him out for...well...lots of things.
Mr. Codswallop: It is merely an academic contemplation.
Mr. Flapdoodle: You want to become a teacher? My Cousin Matilda was a teacher. The kids in her school put tacks on her chair every day.
Mr. Codswallop: I do not believe you understand the magnitude of a day in the grand scheme of Creation.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Nope.
Mr. Codswallop: At least you are honest about your intellectual limitations.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Yup.
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