Codswallop and Flapdoodle

Blogshares Mission

2008-02-22T18:24:00.000-08:00

"Dave's mom wears army boots"

Blogshares Christmas: Slumping around the Christmas tree

2007-12-12T13:12:00.000-08:00

Two friends are sitting around their laptops playing a challenging game of Blogshares. The discussion soon turns to the joys of the holiday season.

Mr. Codswallop: Are you planning on offering gifts to other Blogshares players this Christmas season?
Mr. Flapdoodle: Gifts? What gifts? Did someone send me gifts?
Mr. Codswallop: In the spirit of the holiday season, it is traditional to offer gifts to your friends and family.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I have a bottle of Christmas spirits to avoid my friends and family.
Mr. Codswallop: As a Blogshares Premium Player, you must feel the desire to share the wealth with others during the festive season.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Under the influence of the spirits of the festive season, I prefer a massive HTO session.
Mr. Codswallop: Perhaps you could play in the spirit of such exemplary Corporations as Love/Pain or B$ Bears?
Mr. Flapdoodle: I avoid corporations. The last time I went anywhere near a corporation, I ended up with my car being repossessed.
Mr. Codswallop: Perhaps you could consider the more aggressive Untouchables or Renegade Players Inc.; or the more investment oriented Aliens Co.
Mr. Flapdoodle: My cousin who plays under the name Attila The Hunny believes all the Blogshares Corporations are too soft.
Mr. Codswallop: What is your cousin's preferred strategy of play?
Mr. Flapdoodle: HTO blogs after PRDing them to nothing, and trashing Ideas on everyone and anyone.
Mr. Codswallop: Your cousin probably has few friends in the game.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Attila is an equal opportunity pillager. Spare the rod and spoil the player. As a result, no one expects a Christmas gift. Think of the savings!
Mr. Codswallop: Does Attila show some compassion for the Token Non-Premium player?
Mr. Flapdoodle: Absolutely not. Attila says anyone who won't spend $15.00 deserves all of the HTO's they get. Every time Attila thinks about the cheap rotgut whisky that $15.00 would have bought, it leads to another angry PRD session.
Mr. Codswallop: I take it that no one in your family is a Friend of the Tokens?
Mr. Flapdoodle: I prefer to Ignore the Tokens. That Lion Sleeping Tonight should be left alone anyway.
Mr. Codswallop: Perhaps by following the example of The Grinch and Ebenezer Scrooge, Attila will turn into a Hunny.
Nr. Flapdoodle: Those stories really went downhill when the villains turned good. I had to turn them off before Attila put a brick through the TV screen in disgust.
Mr. Codswallop: Well, I am going to offer blog and chip gifts to players all over the game.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well, you do own that Top 100 blog I have always had my eye on to HTO.
Mr. Codswallop: Don't even think it.
Mr. Flapdoodle: While you were looking the other way, I picked up those Dr. Seuss Ideas you were waiting to drop.
Mr. Codswallop: I was right. You are really The Grinch at heart.
Mr. Flapdoodle: And a Merry Christmas to you too.

Blog Business Success: Internet Radio Show I host

2006-09-20T07:57:00.000-07:00

Blog Business Success is a brand new internet radio show about business. The explosive phenomenon of talk radio has hit the internet, and we bloggers are now a growing part of it too.

The fun part Blog Business Success is that I am the host. My first show airs on Thursday, September 28 at 7:00 pm Central time. It's also the first time I have ever hosted a radio show of any kind, so it will be an on the job learning experience as well.

I'll be talking to some very knowledgeable guest business experts every Thursday evening at 7:00 pm Central time. The show runs for 30 minutes (but is expandable to 60 minutes if the interest is strong). My special guests will be discussing marketing, public relations, search engine optimization SEO, management, independent business, books on business, and entrepreneurship; to name just a few topics. We can always add your ideas for guests and topics as well.

What I hope to do with the radio show is help us all to learn more about starting, building, and operating a successful business. We will cover interesting and informative topics, and provide practical advice that you can use in your own company.

Not only do you get to listen and learn from industry leaders, but you can phone in with your questions for my guests as well. The site provides a special call-in number where you can talk live with the experts. As we all know, some of the best answers result from caller questions.

I'll be posting further information here, and on my host page, regarding my guests. I have some great guests lined up. You won't want to miss them. Along with their appearance on my show, I'll be promoting them on this blog as well.

If you have any guest recommendations, please let me know, as business knowledge should be shared. We can build our business success together and make some new friends at the same time. You can't beat that!

Special thanks to Marketing Diva Toby Bloomberg, who has already mentioned the radio show, on her industry trend setting business blog.

Make a note of the time for Blog Business Success in your area, and add our special guest experts to your Thursday night listening.

If you happen to miss a show, they will be archived for later listening as podcasts, so you can always catch up on the latest in business ideas.

By the way, the name I picked for the internet radio show is a variation on my blog name; but you already figured that one out.

Let's talk about boosting your business success on Blog Business Success!

Tags: Blog Business Success, internet radio, business experts, talk radio.

Blogonomics Blog Cruise: Ocean blogging

2006-03-11T15:56:00.000-08:00

The Blogonomics Blog Cruise business blogging floating conference will set sail from Fort Lauderdale, Florida to Key West, Florida to Cozumel, Mexico on October 5 - 9.

Blogs and and an ocean cruise aren't entirely unrelated, as it might appear at first glance. After all, blogs are about conversation and relationship building. What better way to relax, and start those meaningful conversations, than on the deck of a luxury ocean cruise ship.

Along with the fresh ocean breezes, are some interesting and informative discussions of business blogging, by some of the leading business bloggers on the internet.

Topics for discussion range from creating a business blog to turning that blog into a profitable source of income; and everything in between.

Conference Topics Include:

* Choosing and Developing Content
* Blog Metrics
* Return on Investment (ROI)
* Blog Marketing

Hands-on Workshops Include:

* Building Your Blog Design
* Six Figure Blogging
* RSS Techniques

Blogging cruise speakers and workshop facilitators include:

Robert Scoble of Scobleizer.com
B.L. Ochman of What's Next Online
Jeremy Wright of b5media
Andy Wibbels of Instant Global Impact
Nick Wilson of Performancing
Darren Rowse of Pro Blogger
John Nardini of Denali Flavors
Steve Hall of Adrants
Toby Bloomberg of Diva Marketing
Scott Goldblatt the Olympic Gold Medalist
Tris Hussey of Qumana Software
Jim Turner of One By One Media

Sponsorships are also available for your business to share in making this exciting business blog cruise a success. The sponsorship information is available for download in a pdf format.

Register for the Blogonomics Cruise now before March 15, 2006 and receive a special early bird discount.

Spaces are filling up quickly. You won't want to miss this unique fun and educational business blogging event, enjoyed on the deck of an ocean liner.

Register today and receive that early booking discount.

Tags: Blogonomics Cruise, business blogging, blog conferences, ocean liners.

Business Blogging Award winners announced

2005-02-23T19:44:00.000-08:00

The 2005 Business Blogging Awards winners have been announced.

Congratulations to the winners in the various categories, and also to all of the nominated blogs.

It's just too bad that everyone couldn't win the vote, as all of the nominated blogs are true winners in their own right. They represent some of the very best blogs, that the business related blog genre, has to offer.

The real winners, in my opinion, are every single business related blog on the internet.

Whether your spot in the blogosphere is business, law, economics, writing, publishing, technology, real estate, accounting, sales, marketing, human resources, employment, public relations, SEO, finance, entrepreneurship, venture capital, small business, leadership, coaching, project management, engineering, investments, or any other blogging area related to business, all of you are the real winners!

Business blogs have been a glaring ommission, from all of the major blogging awards, up until now.

Thanks to The 2005 Business Blogging Awards, everyone involved in busines blogging got their reward.

Thanks to all of the participating bloggers; to all of the voters; to all of the very generous and supportive sponsors who provided a collection of very valuable prizes; and to Jeremy Wright and Darren Barefoot of Inside Blogging for taking on this enormous, yet very worthwhile task.

Thanks to everyone who voted for Blog Business World as Best SEO Blog and as Best Overall Blog. I am touched and humbled by your kindness and support.

While I didn't win Best Overall Blog, it was an honour to simply be nominated in that category, with some of the truly elite business blogs on the internet. Thanks from the bottom of my heart to everyone who voted for Blog Business World. Your support is greatly appreciated.

I was honoured by the voters with winning Best SEO Blog, for which I offer my deepest and most sincerest thanks.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you The 2005 Business Blogging Award Winners:

Best Overall Blog - Security Awareness
Best New Blog - Monty’s Bluff
Best Group Blog - 800-CEO-READ
Best Law Blog - Phosita
Best VC/Entrepreneur Blog - Business Opportunities
Best Financial Industry/Investment Blog - Between the Hedges
Best Personal Finance Blog - PFBlog
Best Blog by a Small Business - The Tin Basher Blog
Best Blog About Small Business - eBizBlog
Best PR Blog - Media Guerilla
Best Tech Company Blog - Security Awareness
Best Media Blog - Fast Company Blog
Best Real Estate Blog - Tampa Bay’s Inside Real Estate Journal
Best Marketing Blog - JSLogan
Best SEO Blog - Blog Business World
Best Project Management Blog - AgileManagement
Best Leadership Blog - Leadership Now
The Picasso Award (Best Design) - Signal vs. Noise
The Peacock Award (Most Self-Important) - Inside Real Estate Journal
The Chris Pirillo Award (For Shameless Self Promotion) - Chris Pirillo

Tags: Business Blogging Awards, business Blogs, winners, seo blog.

Business Blogging Awards voting ends

2005-02-18T10:50:00.000-08:00

The voting for The 2005 Business Blogging Awards is now completed.

The polls were closed as of noon Pacific Standard Time today.

Overall, the concept of honouring business blogs was a good one. For too long, the various blog awards shows have ignored business blogs; leaving them without a category at all.

That should be changed now.

With the strong voter turnout, resulting in some very close races, there clearly is an interest in business blogs. They are a rising force on the internet in general, and in the blogosphere in particular.

In the future, I hope to see business blog categories in all the blog voting events.

Thanks to all of the voters and the entered blogs for participating.

Your support for The 2005 Business Blogging Awards was important and appreciated by everyone involved.

I want to send a special thanks to all who supported and voted for Blog Business World. I was touched and honoured, that so many of you find my blog to be helpful in reaching your goals, and in achieving your success in business and in blogging.

Every blog nominated was definitley a great blog, and I personally visited every blog in every category.

Thanks as well to Jeremy Wright and Darren Barefoot of Inside Blogging for running the awards so well. They definitely deserve our gratitude for developing these awards for everyone.

Let's have hearty round of applause for Darren and Jeremy!

The 2005 Business Blogging Awards were truly a landmark event where every blogger was a winner.

Tags: Business Blogging Awards, blogging, business blogs, blogosphere.

Voting restarts in 2005 Business Blogging Awards

2005-02-03T17:49:00.000-08:00

Voting for The 2005 Business Blogging Awards has resumed.

Following a huge number of voter irregularities, and numerous voting system malfuntions, with all of the previous vote totals were discarded.

Voting has begun again, with all of the previous vote totals returned to zero.

That means that everyone has to vote again.

Of course, if you were already voting for your choices for best business blogs, you can just keep doing what you are already doing.

The link has changed for the voting, so anyone following an old link will be disappointed as all that appears are the old discarded totals.

This is the new voting link.

As you know Blog Business World has been nominated in two categories.

Best SEO Blog

Best Overall Blog

I appreciate the strong support that my Blog Business World blog has received in both categories. Your support is still needed for and for the many other tremendous blogs that were honoured with nominations.

I know the vast majority of the nominated blogs very well, and I can assure that they are all worthy of support.

The previous voting term was to end on February 9. The date for casting ballots has now been extended to noon PST on Wednesday, February 16, 2005.

Surf on over to The 2005 Business Blogging Awards and cast your votes.

The support received in the voting tells everyone in the internet community of the importance of business blogs.

You can vote every day until noon PST on Wednesday, February 16, 2005.

Vote for Blog Business World now!

Tags: Business, Blogging, Awards, voting.

Voting needed at Business Blogging Awards

2005-01-28T03:53:00.000-08:00

2005 Business Blogging Awards voting has now begun.

Voter turnout appears to be quite strong at The 2005 Business Blogging Awards.

High levels of voter participation is good for all of the nominated blogs, and for business blogs in general.

A few good business blogs have opened up some strong leads, and many other very good business blogs are lacking support.

On a personal note, I noticed that Blog Business World is trailing in both of its nominated categories:

Best SEO Blog and Best Overall Blog

Perhaps a few of my kind and generous readers might be encouraged to vote for Blog Business World.
A vote with heavy turnout and many possible winners is always more exciting than a runaway.

So, in the spirit of blatant self promotion (you can do that when you are behind in the vote totals), vote for Blog Business World for Best Overall Blog and Best SEO Blog.

Let's get some heavy voter turnout, and some really tight races going.

It's better for all blogs, as voters meet some new bloggers, and that makes it all worthwhile.

You can vote once a day, every day, until Februrary 9.

Vote for Blog Business World now!

Tags: Business, Blogging, Awards, voting.

The 2005 Business Blogging Awards voting begins

2005-01-26T22:53:00.000-08:00

The 2005 Business Blogging Awards voting has now begun.

The polls are now open at at The 2005 Business Blogging Awards website.

The field of first rate business blogs, in all nominated categories, is very strong.

The nominations were done very well, with some very fine blogs well deserving of recognition, being included. A quick check of the nominated blogs is a tour of some of the best business blogs in the entire blogosphere.

Let's have a tip of the cap to Jeremy Wright and Darren Barefoot of Inside Blogging for setting up this first ever business blogging awards. Without their tireless efforts, these long overdue awards might never have happened.

I was pleasantly surprised and privilieged to find Blog Business World nominated in two very strong categories.

Blog Business World was nominated for Best SEO Blog.

Blog Business World was also nominated in the very prestigious Best Overall Blog category.

As with all awards, the true honour is in being nominated.

Voting for The 2005 Business Blogging Awards is open until 12:00 noon Pacific Standard Time on February 9, 2005.

You can vote once per day in as many or as few categories as you choose.

Be sure to vote and support The 2005 Business Blogging Awards. For far too long, business blogs have been ignored by the regular blog awards events.

Let's show the entire blogging community, and the internet at large, that business blogs are important and a rising force.

Vote now.

Tags: business, blogging, awards, voting.

My blogging interview on internet radio

2005-01-20T18:43:00.000-08:00

Business blogs need more publicity and exposure to the wider business community.

To that end, I had the privilege of being interviewed on the topic of business blogs by radio host Mack Male of Blogosphere Radio.

We discussed everything from starting that very first business blog to getting writing ideas for regular blog posts.

Unfortunately, Mr. Codswallop and Mr. Flapdoodle were not asked to voice their opinions on the matter.

Blogosphere Radio is a growing voice (literally and figuratively) in getting the message of blogs out over the airwaves (or in this case, the internet).

I just love those cliches.

Don't you?

But the facts remain.

A business blog is the fast track to better marketing communications with customers and clients. Blogs provide higher search engine rankings in Google, Yahoo, and MSN Search. Blogs assure better and more open public relations with the media and the general public.

Listen now to my business blogging interview on Blogosphere Radio.

While you are there, listen to the many other great interviews, with other very well known and knowledgeable bloggers.

They are all well worth tuning in for their blogging expertise.

Tags: Blogosphere Radio, business blogging, interview, blogs.

Tsunami relief blogathon

2005-01-18T23:43:00.000-08:00

Tsunami relief is one place where bloggers can make a real difference.

Well known Australian blogger Darren Rowse of Pro Blogger will be doing his part for the victims of that terrible disaster.

On January 20, Darren will be participating in a non-stop 24 hours of blogging, in a real Blogathon, to help raise money for tsunami relief.

Darren plans two write 100 posts in 24 hours, so he will be busy.

He is looking for pledges, donations, paid advertisements, and whatever you can do to help:

If you want to make a donation per post, per word, per cups of coffee drunk, per use of the word ‘cactus‘, per comment left on the site over the 24 hours or per anything at all (or just a one off donation) just let me know or do it directly by using the ‘make a donation’ button in the right hand sidebar. I’m also still selling text links on the blog sidebar for $40 (US) (or more) a pop.

Here’s another idea - how about you commission a post on a topic of your choice? Remember I’ve only got 15 minutes for each post (plus I need to eat and toilet myself occasionally) so don’t make it too big a topic but name your topic and how much you’ll donate if I answer it and I’ll do my best!

Aid funds raised will be sent to the tsunami relief agency Tsunami Appeal under the auspices of The Oak Tree Foundation.

I authorized Darren to use any of my posts as starting points for links and comments should he be short of ideas.

Be sure to drop by the Blogathon today, and tomorrow, and pledge your support.

Tags: blogathon, tsunami, donations, advertisements.

First ever Family Picnic goes live

2005-01-09T10:43:00.000-08:00

The first ever Family Picnic is live at Trudy Schuett's DesertLight Journal blog.

While entry levels for the initial Family Picnic are modest in number, Trudy has a number of volunteers lined up as hosts for future editions of the Carnival.

Entry of a blog post into any one of the various internet Carnivals is great publicity for your blog. If a wider audience isn't a concern of yours, perhaps simply the opportunity to have more people read of your experiences and quality of writing, might be of more interest to you.

In any case, to become part of the next edition of Family Picnic, and even a future host, the necessary information is available at DesertLight Journal.

Next time, don't let the ants frighten you away from the Family Picnic.

In the meantime, stroll on over to the DesertLight Journal hosting of the first ever Family Picnic.

Happy New Year

2005-01-01T12:24:00.000-08:00

Have the holidays wreaked havoc on your blog's posting activities?

Yeah, I know the feeling too.

You want to write the best blog posting ever, especially after your festive dining with those...well...let's say...interesting relatives of yours.

Yes, they are all grist for the blogging mill.

After all, what are strange and...interesting...relatives for, if not to pillary in your blog posts.

You can add their stories to your blog posts, but do it in fun. We aren't out to attach anyone unmercifully.

Okay, in some cases we are.

Be that as it may, your blog is an ideal outlet for letting everyone know that your family is as messed up as anyone elses.

Okay, even more so.

If you want to vent, now is the time to do it.

Thanksgiving rolls around again fairly quickly, and the same relatives will be back again.

That said.

Have fun with your blog over the holiday season.

Write about your gifts and the great things that happened, and the wonderful memories that the season brought your way.

Of course, the New Year's Eve hangover...well, maybe not.

And don't eat too many leftovers.

After all, you want to save some room for the New Year's celebrations to wear off too.

Happy blogging.

Blogs build internet families

2004-10-06T19:38:00.000-07:00

Blogs build internet families?

Has Wayne gone completely off the deep end this time?

Well, it was to be expected sooner or later, you suppose.

In fact, the idea is not as outlandish as it appears at first, or to provide a bit more leeway, the second or sixteenth glance.

Blogs do help create, nurture, and build internet families.

There now, was that so hard?

In the modern world, you hear every day that people are beoming more disconnected from their neighbours.

No one knows anyone around them, except for a small coterie of friends, or perhaps some work and business associates. In the past, communities were more stable, over longer periods of time. People had time to know and develop close ties with the people around them.

Today's fast paced world has made those bygone days a distant and fading memory.

Like some faded black and white or sepia tinted photograph from a long ago time, the days of knowing all of your neighbours, their children, and even their cousins twice removed, are over.

Or are they?

The internet has created a new and exciting medium for developing friendships, and even extended family. The bloggers, as always, are on the forefront of the new family building revolution.

Distant bloggers are often brought together by an interest in topics, often thought arcane and on the very edges of reason, by members of the mainstream. Some blogging connections are developed from more traditional roots like business, politics, law, technology, sports, and the various creative hobbies.

Blogging communities have sprung up, like dandelions on the front lawn, on a warm spring afternoon.

Like minded bloggers communicate with one another, first by by commenters and by e-mails. Later, the friendship passes to the telephone and to live and in person meetings.

Over time, these meetings and discussions blossom into more than simple friendships. Marriages, business partnerships, and yes...extended families are often the direct result of maintaining a blog.

Bloggers have become one of the new family and relationship paradigms of the Twenty-First Century. While other forms of community building have occurred on the internet, few achieve virtual family status as quickly as do like minded bloggers.

Yes, Virginia, blogs do build families.

Real close knit blogging families too!

I see Q

2004-07-31T15:56:00.000-07:00

Mr. Codswallop: Have you ever had your Intelligence Quotient measured by the Stanford-Binet test?
Mr. Flapdoodle: I think that measurement should be kept personal.
Mr. Codswallop: You believe that a person's measured level of intelligence should not be used in any public manner?
Mr. Flapdoodle: You can call it an intelligence if you like, but I don't want the ladies hearing to much about us guys being measured.
Mr. Codswallop: I was not talking about measuring your sexual organs. I was referring to what the common person labels an I.Q. test.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Why didn't you say that in English in the first place.
Mr. Codswallop: I used the Queen's English. Is that too difficult for your limited vocabulary?
Mr. Flapdoodle: Maybe if you used the ordinary guy's English, people would understand you better.
Mr. Codswallop: Here is the question in a format that you can understand.
Mr. Flapdoodle: You are writing it on a floor mat? That makes no sense at all.
Mr. Codswallop: Have you ever taken an I.Q. test?
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well, some guy at a job interview asked me "What's your I.Q." very quickly.
Mr. Codswallop: What response did you provide?
Mr. Flapdoodle: I said "Bless you".
Mr. Codswallop: Why did you give that remark?
Mr. Flapdoodle: I thought he sneezed.
Mr. Codswallop: I believe you missed the entire point of the question.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well, he didn't sneeze or ask again. In fact, he sent me home right there.
Mr. Codswallop: That does not surprise me in the slightest.

Blogger toys for girls and boys

2004-07-18T03:48:00.000-07:00

Blogger made a number of improvements to its control panel for posting. I have been playing with some of the features.

I know. You say I need to get a life.

Well... I blog, therefore I...well...blog.

There is a change of text colour feature that seems interesting enough for those moments when crayons are a craving.

I can right justify the wording, into nice neat and tidy rows, for those days when only the straightest of ruler like efforts will suffice. As with most of the additional new goodies, they take a bit of getting into the Blogger mindset. Most of them require doing later, rather than at the same time.

It will block quote some quotes. I love redundancies like that one. It makes adding statements from other bloggers that much easier on the readers' eyes.

I'll let you know how Blogger's new features work for me or if I will have no option but to tear my hair out. The users of many of the other popular blogging systems have already had most of these options available. It's taken Blogger awhile to catch up to the competition.

Of course, I stuck with Blogger, simply for the challenge of the workarounds. Even then, I had to rely upon the generous assistance from Jeremy Wright of Ensight to help with my coding.

I have used the new Blogger toys in both Mozilla Firefox and Internet Explorer 6. They don't work with Internet Explorer 5.

I checked!

Maybe some day, I'll upload a photo with the photo thingie.

Take part in an MBA blogging survey

2004-07-17T00:58:00.000-07:00

You can share your experiences as a blogger in general, and as a business blogger in particular by participating in an Master of Business Administration (MBA) survey on business blogging from Canada's University of New Brunswick.

I received the following forwarded e-mail from Rick Bruner of Business Blog Consulting.

The e-mail reads in part:

My name is Matthew Lin, an MBA candidate at University of New Brunswick at Saint John, Canada. I am currently conducting a research on how weblogs are being used as business tools, and their particular implication for small and medium enterprises. I have designed a questionnaire in order to survey individuals who publish weblogs or can describe the reasoning behind their company’s weblog. The survey will be posted online for one month, starting next week. I am seeking your assistance to promote this survey to your readers, in hope of gathering a good cross-section of business weblogs. Please spread the word!

Rick Bruner and I have both taken the survey to provide our assistance to this very worthwhile venture.

The information gained will be of assistance to businesses and business bloggers everywhere.

You can even request the final survey results. I did!

Mr. Codswallop: Have you ever participated in a survey questionnaire?
Mr. Flapdoodle: I never question the air. I just breathe it.
Mr. Codswallop: In a survey questionnaire, they ask your opinions on a series of issues.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well, there was a young lady who dropped by and asked about what sense was about us. Her skirt was very short.
Mr. Codswallop: You must be referring to the Census taker.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I had the sense to see her skirt was very short.
Mr. Codswallop: Were you able to answer the questions fully.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I sure did. I wanted to keep that short skirt in sight for as long as possible.
Mr. Codswallop: You were certainly a responsible citizen.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I had sense enough to get her phone number too. Did I mention that her skirt was very short?
Mr. Codswallop: I should have known.

Anyway...

To complete the fully confidential survey, surf on over to the Master of Business Administration (MBA) survey on business blogging.

My Smart Man interview on Lip-Sticking

2004-07-15T21:18:00.000-07:00

Yvonne Divita, of Lip-Sticking, is one of the leading marketing bloggers writing on the internet today.

As a marketer, Yvonne has broken new ground, in the fast growing field of marketing online to women. Her insights into the many ways to make your website female friendly, and to market your products to women, are a must read for everyone.

Failure to understand how to market to women, can result in a loss of countless sales, for your online business. Yvonne offers practical and proven ways to prevent that problem from ever arising.

As a service to her her readers, Yvonne has instituted a regular interview series with various business and marketing bloggers. Each week she chooses either a "Smart Woman" or a "Smart Man" to answer some difficult but probing questions on blogging, business, and marketing.

I was given the distinct honour of being chosen to be interviewed for her Lip-Sticking "Smart Man" series.

In the interview, I discuss how I started blogging, getting high search engine rankings (SEO), and offering information freely for the benefit of others.

Following the e-mail interview, I was privileged to have Yvonne phone me. We discussed the same general topics, in a more indepth manner, via telephone.

If you haven't been reading the business and marketing advice offered by Yvonne Divita of Lip-Sticking, you have been missing a lot.

I would recommend reading Lip-Sticking on a daily basis.

I never miss a single day!

Global PR Blog Week exceeds expectations

2004-07-13T16:26:00.000-07:00

You've probably heard about it on many of the business, marketing, and public relations blogs that you visit on a regular basis.

It's Global PR Blog Week.

Featuring some of the leading business, public relations, and marketing bloggers on the internet, the event has attracted some tremendous articles.

The contributions cover a full range from public relations to corporate blogging.

Day One, Monday July 12: PR in the Age of Participatory Journalism

Day Two, Tuesday July 13: Corporate Blogging

Day Three, Wednesday July 14: Making PR Work: Creativity and Strategy

Day Four, Thursday July 15: Crisis Management

Day Five, Friday July 16: The State of the PR Profession

I was privileged to be a contributor to the Corporate Blogging day.

You are encouraged to surf on over to the Global PR Blog Week blog and add your thoughts and comments.

The various contributors have set up office hours where they can be reached via instant messenger for one on one discussions.

If you are interested in blogging for business, whether as a marketing or public relations vehicle, you would be well advised to read the great articles posted by the contributors.

It's certainly not every day that such an illustrious group of contributors is found in one blog.

I know I have learned more than I ever imagined from the many well written and informative posts.

Dont miss Global PR Blog Week.

You owe it to yourself and to your business.

Happy Fourth of July!

2004-07-04T13:19:00.000-07:00

Happy Independence Day to all of my American readers and friends.

Thanks for stopping by and supporting my daily business blog.

Now, get thee out to a barbeque, or away to the beach, and enjoy America's birthday party!

Mr. Flapdoodle is more inclined to the Fifth for the Fourth, but every day is a holiday for him anyway.

Don't miss a single moment of those great fireworks displays!

Mr. Codswallop intends to have a fireworks display. With very good reason, he is keeping Mr. Flapdoodle far away from any matches.

Spend some time today with your family and friends.

What could be better than that?

Happy Fouth of July!

From:

Codswallop and Flapdoodle

Blog Business World

Wayne's Derby World

The Bloggist: A bloggers blogging magazine

2004-06-22T22:54:00.000-07:00

From the always fertile and creative mind of Jeremy Wright, creator of the must read Ensight blog, springs forth The Bloggist.

So what you say?

A magazine filled with blog posts?

What The Bloggist could be is a transitional step between the traditional media and blogs.

The linking of the mainstream print media, with the more cutting edge blogs, could result in a synergy that pulls blogs completely into the mainstream of media.

One little startup magazine can't possibly do all of that, of course. It does represent an important first step, toward blogs and bloggers receiving the same regard, as the other mainstream media.

For better or for worse.

The definition of media would then consist of print newspapers and magazines, television, radio...and blogs.

By displaying their writing skills and talent, before a wider and often not online audience, bloggers can gain the recognition they so richly deserve.

Whether The Bloggist remains an online magazine, or develops a print version as well, it will be a success no matter how it turns out in the end.

Due to its bold approach to journalism, The Bloggist represents a milestone in the evolution of the media.

Carnival of the Capitalists is now in session

2004-06-21T22:03:00.000-07:00

At Blog Business World, I'm hosting an internet event called Carnival of the Capitalists.

Every week, a different business or political blog hosts the Carnival. Because of its popularity, any one blog is only allowed to host it once a year. To be included as a host is a real honour.

More general information on the Carnival can be found here.

This week was my turn to host the event.

Included in the blogs entered, are posts written on entrepreneurship and small business, marketing, politics, and on the economy in general.

Many of these posts are written by some of the leading bloggers on the internet.

Since taking care of business is a very important part of life, unless you are like Mr. Flapdoodle (and who isn't?!), I would suggest boogying on over to my Blog Business World hosting of Carnival of the Capitalists.

The reading list is well worth your time. The discovery of some great new blogs alone makes it a real treat for you.

Besides, who can resist a trip to a Carnival ?

Dining in the din

2004-06-19T23:04:00.000-07:00

Mr. Codswallop: Have you prepared our luncheon as of yet?
Mr. Flapdoodle: Hot dogs are on.
Mr. Codswallop: Are you suggesting that what you refer to as hot dogs are what will constitute our meal?
Mr. Flapdoodle: And french fries too.
Mr. Codswallop: You certainly are a culinary marvel.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Good thing there are no ladies or children here with that kind of language.
Mr. Codswallop: Have you any idea at all what is used in the manufacture of weiners?
Mr. Flapdoodle: I don't read the packages.
Mr. Codswallop: It is my understanding that it is all byproduct and chemicals.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I don't care what the private life of the workers is, just as long as they make the hot dogs.
Mr. Codswallop: Byproduct is the leftover pieces from the packing process.
Mr. Flapdoodle: There is no need for you to insult those with alternative lifestyles, as you once told me was the polite term.
Mr. Codswallop: There is no regular meat in a hot dog.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well, it's close enough for the ball park. That's good enough for me.
Mr. Codswallop: Your tastes in everything are so plebian.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I didn't know you talked French. Glad I have some oven french fries baking.
Mr. Codswallop: Where do you find these alleged food items?
Mr. Flapdoodle: The cheapest place I can find. I like to save.
Mr. Codswallop: What else are you offering in this gourmet feast?
Mr. Flapdoodle: Lots of mustard and ketchup.
Mr. Codswallop: Ketchup is one of the most vile concoctions ever devised by humanity.
Mr. Flapdoodle: You're right ketchup is a food group.

Taking a holiday from non-work

2004-06-18T21:24:00.000-07:00

Mr. Flapdoodle: I am taking a vacation.
Mr. Codswallop: How can you take a vacation when you never had a job.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I worked hard at finding work and now I need to rest.
Mr. Codswallop: You never found any gainful employment.
Mr. Flapdoodle: See, I need a vacation after all.
Mr. Codswallop: How did you reach that illogical conclusion?
Mr. Flapdoodle: I needed a holiday to get freshened up for more job search.
Mr. Codswallop: Your entire life is one long holiday.

Interviewing and mainly brewing

2004-06-17T21:57:00.000-07:00

Mr. Codswallop: How did you fare in your employment interview?
Mr. Flapdoodle: Was that what it was?
Mr. Codswallop: When you apply for a position, it is customary to have a discussion of your background and skills with a potential employer.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I was never much on customs, and I don't show my background in public.
Mr. Codswallop: All that is necessary is to answer the questions honestly and show some enthusiasm.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I gave honest answers but that didn't help and I don't show my enthusiasm in public either.
Mr. Codswallop: I fail to see how being truthful in your responses could do you harm.
Mr. Flapdoodle: The guy asked me why I want to work for them.
Mr. Codswallop: That is a fine interview question. Your ideal answer would be summarize what you have done in the past and tell them what you can do for them in the future.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I answered with the truth. I told him I didn't want to work for them at all.
Mr. Codswallop: I can't believe you actually made that statement in an interview.
Mr. Flapdoodle: You told me to tell the truth. That what I've done stuff you said is not true. I never did anything before.
Mr. Codswallop: You could at least have displayed interest in the job, and a willingness to learn.
Mr. Flapdoodle: But I wasn't interested in the job and didn't want to learn. That's the truth and that's what I told him.
Mr. Codswallop: What sort of work was involved in the job anyway?
Mr. Flapdoodle: I have no idea but he said I had to be there at 6:00 am.
Mr. Codswallop: You did not like the job because of the hours?
Mr. Flapdoodle: How am I supposed to get out of bed for that time. That's not for me.
Mr. Codswallop: You simply cannot expect the employer to accomodate your laziness.
Mr. Flapdoodle: He did. He told me to get lost and never come back.
Mr. Codswallop: You still have never said what the job duties entailed.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I never asked.
Mr. Codswallop: Perhaps we will have more success on the next interview.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Be sure to find out the hours. I don't want early and I don't want long.
Mr. Codswallop: You might not have any choice.
Mr. Flapdoodle: As you said, as long as I tell the truth, I have nothing to worry about.
Mr. Codswallop: Me and my big mouth!

Bloggers dating bloggers

2004-06-16T21:40:00.000-07:00

It's time for a little fun in the blogging world.

There are many single bloggers in the blogosphere.

Considering the fact, that there are millions of blogs, the odds would favour large numbers of blog owners being unmarried.

Enter the idea of matchmaking for bloggers.

Canadian blogger Carrie of Life or Something Like It...Boo has suggested the concept of a Blog Dating Service.

It seems that idea is sprouting wings everywhere.

I suspect that since June is a traditional wedding month, that may have much to do with the interest.

Of course, as an unmarried guy, what do I know about such matters???

Anyway.

Mrs. Du Toit of Personal Effects (via Will at Entropy Manor) has begun a mission, as she calls it, to find a mate for uber political blogger Stephen den Beste of the formidable USS Clueless.

Mrs. Du Toit sets out the requirements as follows:

She'll have to be of child bearing age--with enough years to have about a half dozen kids.

She neglected to tell Stephen about her mission too!

Be certain to read the often hilarious suggestions and recommendations in the accompanying comments as well.

As most of us already know, Jay and Deb Solo of the well known and high quality dual writer Accidental Verbosity, are a happy blogger marriage.

Their blog meeting and subsequent knot tying, has proven to be a resounding, and joyfully multiplying, success!

There are likely hundreds, if not thousands, of potential blogger matches out there in the blogiverse.

The logic is certainly in place for a Blog Dating Service.

You take bloggers with similar interests and backgrounds (and no, I am not convinced about that opposites theory), and voila!

Blogger matches everywhere!

All we need now, is for some enterprising blogger, to create a system for matching up the numerous single bloggers.

That matchmaking blogger would be providing a wonderful service.

**Note** This was a guest post from my Blog Business World blog that you might enjoy. **

Weather woes and tornadoes

2004-06-15T21:12:00.000-07:00

This thunderstorm season makes it very difficult to post a Codswallop and Flapdoodle comedy and almost humour column.

I am dodging lightning today; to say nothing of an extreme downpour. The skies were literally black today.

Okay, they are charcoal grey like the coals at a summer barbeque.

Over Brandon, in western Manitoba, the skies took on an otherworldly and eerie green colour.

Announcing tornadoes.

The storm saw at least two, and maybe more tornadoes touch down in western Manitoba. One even was spotted over downtown Brandon, Maniitoba (pop: 30,000).

Amazingly, there was only limited damage and no fatalities.

The good new: I live a couple of hours away, in eastern Manitoba.

The bad news: The twister laden storms were moving this way.

More good news: There were no tornadoes touching down anywhere near here.

In any case, the severe lightning kept me offline for the entire day, from about 11:00 am onward.

As a result, I am behind on my Codswallop and Flapdoodle advewntures.

As always, these storms shall pass, and blue skies will prevail once again.

I am hosting Carnival of the Capitalists

2004-06-14T23:57:00.000-07:00

I will be hosting Carnival of the Capitalists at my main blog called Blog Business World on June 21.

If you are unaware of what Carnival of the Capitalists is all about, here is a primer.

Every week a different business, political, or law blogger hosts the event. Various people who post daily business oriented blog columns like I do at Wayne's Derby World and at Blog Business World send what they believe are their best columns from the previous week to the Carnvial host.

Each entrant only submits one post.

The host then sets up links to all of the blogs that submitted the entries, usually with a link to the blog, and a brief outline of what the blog post is all about, in the way of a topic.

I expect the standard number of blog post entries, which is about 30 on average.

What the Carnival of the Capitalists does is shows off the wide range of great business, legal and political writers and bloggers who are found on the internet.

Anyone who writes a blog, in the areas usually considered for the Carnival of the Capitalists are invited to send a column.

Entries can be sent to me, for next week at:

capitalists -at- elhide.com

or directly to my e-mail at:

blogbusinessworld -at- yahoo.com

or to waynesderbyworld -at- yahoo.com

Of course, replace the -at- with the usual @ symbol, when sending.

If you have never sent an entry to the Carnival of the Capitalists before, now is a good time to consider sending a business, marketing, human resources, management, business people, finance and accounting, taxation, the stock market, education, public relations, entrepreneurship, political, legal, or related post for inclusion.

Blog Business World will try to be a friendly Carnival of the Capitalists host.

Send me those entries and make the Carnival of the Capitalists at
Blog Business World one of the biggest and best ever.

Even if you don't have a blog, but I'm quite sure that you do, drop by Blog Business World anyway.

Give me an opinion on how well I hosted Carnival of the Capitalists.

All of you, as my valued readers, are cordially invited.

Business as unusual

2004-06-13T21:20:00.000-07:00

Mr. Codswallop: I have heard of an employment possibility for you.
Mr. Flapdoodle: That's nice. I'm sleeping now.
Mr. Codswallop: You have to get out of bed some time today.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Not really. Okay. Maybe to the bathroom.
Mr. Codswallop: One of my friends has suggest a possible position for you.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Being in bed is a fine position for me, thanks.
Mr. Codswallop: It is a business post.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I remember the last so-called business post. I was sent to clean up animal business at the zoo.
Mr. Codswallop: It was honest work and the pay was very good, in my opinion.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I just missed a delivery from the business end of an elephant and a giraffe.
Mr. Codswallop: All jobs have their drawbacks. You can't expect perfection.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I can do without having to duck out of the way of disaster.
Mr. Codswallop: Perhaps you should give this job a fair hearing.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Let's see the addess and phone number.
Mr. Codswallop: Here is the employment information.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Oh, I know that job. You walk around dressed as food.
Mr. Codswallop: You always said you were into food.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I meant eating it, not wearing it.
Mr. Codswallop: Perhaps it will grow into something different.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Like mould.
Mr. Codswallop: At least give it a chance.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I did give it a chance already. They dressed me as a lobster. I had claws and everything.
Mr. Codswallop: That sounds like fun.
Mr. Flapdoodle: The suit was so hot, I passed out from the heat.
Mr. Codswallop: You did not have to over do it.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well, I did end up the same colour as the lobster, and almost as lifeless.
Mr. Codswallop: Perhaps you need a different job lead.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Maybe I'll spend the day in bed thinking about it. Night.

Bloggers help others

2004-06-13T06:45:00.000-07:00

Jennifer at Drink This is a very special person.

She is generously participating and donating her time in the Project Blog Blogathon.

On July 24, Jennifer will blog every 30 minutes for 24 straight hours as her part in the Blogathon. She is raising money for an organization called Bresee Foundation.

Jennifer chose the Bresee Foundation because:

...they make a direct impact in my community and provide services that many think are or should be provided by the government. As one might imagine, I don't buy into the theory that the government exists to solve all of our social problems. I also don't believe in the government's ability to efficiently do so. I do however, believe in the desire and deftness of regular citizens to directly impact those in need among us.

I respect what Jennifer is doing for this community based organization as she would only work to help a group she supports wholeheartledly.

Jennifer recognizes that people in need often simply need a helping hand so they can get started on their way. With just that little boost, people can become self sufficient and achieve their hopes and dreams.

Not too long ago, Jennifer was in financial need herself. I asked my readers to provide Jennifer with some monetary assistance or employment opportunities to help her through those difficult days. Many of you responded generously to help her out at that time.

I am asking all of you to support Jennifer and her chosen organization, the Bresee Foundation, in the Blogathon.

I look forward to Jennifer providing us all with 48 wonderful posts, in the fine tradition of Drink This, in a 24 hour time frame.

For more information on Jennifer's blogging efforts, check out her post where she shares all of the details as to how you can help.

I hope you will help Jennifer have a successful 24 hour Blogathon.

Please pledge generously.

Breakfast of chimps

2004-06-11T21:05:00.000-07:00

Mr. Flapdoodle: We are out of Lucky Charms.
Mr. Codswallop: I am certain that you will survive the hardship.
Mr. Flapdoodle: How can I get through a day of job hunting without them?
Mr. Codswallop: You never hunt for a job. The lack of a breakfast cereal will not change that fact.
Mr. Flapdoodle: But I like them.
Mr. Codswallop: Perhaps if you had a regular pay cheque, you could purchase them yourself.
Mr. Flapdoodle: You make it sound so hard.
Mr. Codswallop: How can buying cereal be difficult?
Mr. Flapdoodle: I have to go out to find a job without them. Get a job. Work at it. Wait to get paid. Cash the cheque. Go shopping. All to get some Lucky Charms.
Mr. Codswallop: You do have a point. Holding a job is quite an accomplishment for you.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I knew you'd understand.
Mr. Codswallop: I know the problem. You are shiftless.
Mr. Flapdoodle: No, just hungry. I don't need a laxative.
Mr. Codswallop: Perhaps an alternative cereal would get you on your way to finding a job.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I hope it's a sugar coated one.
Mr. Codswallop: Here are some Sugar Frosted Flakes. I hope you value your teeth.
Mr. Flapdoodle: They're great.
Mr. Codswallop: For awhile anyway.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I was talking about the cereal.
Mr. Codswallop: I was not.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Have you no sense of fun at all?
Mr. Codswallop: Not if you can help it.

Rise and shine...well...sort of

2004-06-10T21:33:00.000-07:00

Mr. Codswallop: It is noon and you still have not risen from your slumber.
Mr. Flapdoodle: You call it a slumber. I call it a bed.
Mr. Codswallop: How do you ever expect to find gainful employment if you sleep the entire day away?
Mr. Flapdoodle: I'm resting. I had a hard day yesterday.
Mr. Codswallop: I would hardly refer to your meagre efforts as being what you call a hard day.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Any day when I have to get up before eleven is a hard day. By definition.
Mr. Codswallop: I cannot believe your level of sheer laziness.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Thanks for reminding me. I have to phone a young lady. She wears very sheer tops.
Mr. Codswallop: You would be better served to find a job.
Mr. Flapdoodle: It's all a matter of priorities. Mine are not the same as yours.
Mr. Codswallop: Do you not concern yourself with covering your portion of the rent?
Mr. Flapdoodle: I covered it with my hand when you gave the old coot the cash.
Mr. Codswallop: That is not what I meant at all.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I never know what you mean half the time. The other half, I just ignore.
Mr. Codswallop: Well, get out from that bed and check the want ads.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I want a cheque and they don't offer that in the ads.
Mr. Codswallop: You look at the ads. You find a job. You get a cheque. It works in that order.
Mr. Flapdoodle: They sure don't like me to be creative and change the order. At least they didn't when I had the day, well, half a day, well, an hour, at Al's Diner.
Mr. Codswallop: I recall that debacle very well. I am still amazed that he didn't force you to pay for your damage.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I only broke two windows when the tray sort of slipped.
Mr. Codswallop: Have you ever held a job longer than one day?
Mr. Flapdoodle: Let me think. Ummm. No.
Mr. Codswallop: This is going to be more difficult that I ever imagined.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well, while you imagine things, I have to catch up on my sleep. Night.

Jobbing around

2004-06-09T21:49:00.000-07:00

Mr.Codswallop: Was your day's employment search a successful one for you?
Mr. Flapdoodle: I thought I had a job for sure.
Mr. Codswallop: I trust that you did not destroy your chances of being gainfully employed.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I was at a fast food place. Not a national name, but they gave you your own paper hat.
Mr. Codswallop: Did you fill in the application form correctly?
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well, I spelled a few words wrong and crossed out a couple of past jobs.
Mr. Codswallop: That certainly could not have helped your cause.
Mr. Flapdoodle: It didn't seem to hurt me because he told me the job paid minimum wage.
Mr. Codswallop: That is often the starting point. As you prove your worthiness, you move up in wage scale.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I countered with him paying me the maximum wage.
Mr. Codswallop: Those wages are usually not negotiable.
Mr. Flapdoodle: He did get kind of upset and red in the face. I think he had high blood pressure.
Mr. Codswallop: After meeting you, that does not surprise me in the slightest.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I told him we were negotiating. He offered low. I asked high, and we'd settle in the middle somewhere.
Mr. Codswallop: Was that a successful gambit?
Mr. Flapdoodle: He didn't seem too pleased, but he asked me why I wanted to work there.
Mr. Codswallop: That is usually an excellent employment question, often leading to a job offer.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well, I told him I was there for the money, and that his place was almost clean too.
Mr. Codswallop: I find it difficult to believe that even you would provide such inane responses.
Mr. Flapdoodle: He didn't seem too pleased with the answers though. He got redder. I asked him if he needed some pills.
Mr. Codswallop: I shudder to think what happened next.
Mr. Flapdoodle: He told me to get out of his restaurant.
Mr. Codswallop: I would not doubt that for a moment.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I told him he was a sick man and really needed to get help.
Mr. Codswallop: How could you say such a thing?
Mr. Flapdoodle: I really wanted to help him. He looked like he might take a stroke or something.
Mr. Codswallop: I could say that you drove him to it, but I will resist that urge.
Mr. Flapdoodle: He didn't seem to want any help. He must be that stubborn and independent type.
Mr. Codswallop: I do not believe that you have found the right reason.
Mr. Flapdoodle: He told me to leave, and yet he kept saying he needed the cops. He seemed really confused.
Mr. Codswallop: I trust you left quickly.
Mr. Flapdoodle: As I left, I told the customers that the owner was sick and needed a lot of help. For some reason, they all left. People just don't seem to want to get involved and help anyone any more.
Mr. Codswallop: You live your life in total oblivion of the obvious.
Mr. Flapdoodle: As I looked back, all he did was shake his fist in pain, and call for the cops to help him. I hope he got to the hospital okay.

A hard day's work

2004-06-08T22:40:00.000-07:00

Mr. Flapdoodle: Guess what I did today.
Mr. Codswallop: The mere thought of you doing anything frightens me.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well, you should be proud of me.
Mr. Codswallop: I cannot imagine what could bring about that unlikely event.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I went for a job. Filled out the application form. Even talked to the guy.
Mr. Codswallop: I am shocked. I never expected such an occurrance.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I saw the ad in the paper, and it looked just right for me.
Mr. Codswallop: I can only envision you sleeping, drinking, or making a nuisance of yourself with the ladies.
Mr. Flapdoodle: The job involved sleeping. Right up my alley. Or so I thought.
Mr. Codswallop: How did you locate such an unlikely profession?
Mr. Flapdoodle: The job was at a mattress place. I figured I could do that.
Mr. Codswallop: I highly doubt they would allow you to sleep on the job.
Mr. Flapdoodle: They sure didn't. The expected my to carry the things.
Mr. Codswallop: That sounds like a good job for you.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I didn't get the job. Well, I did, but I got fired.
Mr. Codswallop: That does not surprise me.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I was lying down on a mattress, thinking I was doing a great job. Along came the foreman and yelled to get up.
Mr. Codswallop: I certainly do not blame the man for awakening you.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I thought he was telling me it was quitting time, and that I had slept in.
Mr. Codswallop: I take it that was not the case.
Mr. Flapdoodle: That's when I found out I was supposed to carry the things.
Mr. Codswallop: Did you actually lift and carry any mattresses?
Mr. Flapdoodle: Nope. He told me to get out and sleep somewhere else. Called me a vagrant; whatever that is.
Mr. Codswallop: It is the very definition of your lifestyle.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I guess I was over qualified for the job then, so he had to let me go.
Mr. Codswallop: I suppose that is one interpretation of the events.
Mr. Flapdoodle: After a hard day of work, it's time for bed. I'm all in.
Mr. Codswallop: But still out of work.

Back in and out of the black

2004-06-07T21:10:00.000-07:00

Mr. Flapdoodle: We sure snuck out of blogging yesterday.
Mr. Codswallop: The proper English word is sneaked.
Mr. Flapdoodle: We suck out and properly sneaked right past them.
Mr. Codswallop: I fear that a guest column like that may obviate the necessity of our existence.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I took that obviate stuff for a cold once. Tasted bad and didn't work.
Mr. Codswallop: Are you not concerned that no one will express concern over your absence?
Mr. Flapdoodle: You sure didn't express any concern when I had that absenced tooth that time.
Mr. Codswallop: The proper dental terminology is abcessed tooth.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well, it might have been abscessed but the old Doc absented it.
Mr. Codswallop: Perhaps that is our future. Absent.
Mr. Flapdoodle: That was the way I went through school. I don't see much change there.
Mr. Codswallop: Your rather lacklustre academic achievement level is rather obvious to all concerned.
Mr. Flapdoodle: No one was concerned that I was absent except the truant officer. He earned overtime from finding me.
Mr. Codswallop: You were a drain on the taxpayers and the public purse.
Mr. Flapdoodle: You heard those rumours about the truant officer too? I knew I wasn't the only one who saw him carry a purse.
Mr. Codswallop: I am hoping that our presence will remain for the near future.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I do like presents.
Mr. Codswallop: These things too shall pass.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Yep. Pass them around. Whatever they are.

Blogs: Finding your voice

2004-06-06T22:21:00.000-07:00

All blogs need to have a distinctive feel.

Even yours.

If your blog looks, reads, and parrots every other blog on the internet, your traffic levels will drop.

Like the proverbial stone.

Vikk Simmons, at The Writer's Path has been doing some thinking and writing about finding your voice, or as Vikk calls it, your "e-voice".

Vikk believes that successful bloggers need to develop a distinctive "e-voice".

She asks, "What does your e-voice say about you?"

Now there is a question worth pondering.

Many of the best bloggers, and coincidently they are bloggers with solid and loyal followings, have blogs that could only be written by them.

No one else.

Some of the best written blogs may not have the largest number of visitors clicking their traffic counters. They have loyal readers, however, who return every day.

Vikk is certainly right about that. Your readers want to read quality writing. More importantly, they want to read and know you.

If you can provide the personal, along with the top notch writing skills, you will have the best of both worlds.

I suppose my blogging voice tends toward the informative, and less toward the intimately personal. Now there's something you don't see on my blog every day.

A personal comment.

I don't use personal comments about myself for a reason.

This blog is an informational blog, designed to help other bloggers achieve their goals. I try to provide the knowledge, that I have accumulated, through years of often painful experience.

If I can assist even one person to become successful, I'll consider my blogging efforts a success.

Instead of seeing many posts about my personal life, you get the blogging voice of a helpful neighbour here.

Perhaps you could say I have a mentoring voice.

If that's the case, it's fine with me.

Let's work together, and make everyone's blog a successful one.

Over time, you will develop a unique, and high calibre blogging voice.

Note: The preceding blog post was a special guest post from Blog Business World. As you know, Mr. Codswallop and Mr. Flapdoodle are on vacation.

Holidays and olive days

2004-06-05T21:53:00.000-07:00

Mr. Codswallop: How are you enjoying your martini?
Mr. Flapdoodle: Who's Martini?
Mr. Codswallop: Why your martini, of course.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I don't own one of those cars, unlike James Bond.
Mr. Codswallop: That would be an Astin Martin.
Mr. Flapdoodle: There's no need to swear at it.
Mr. Codswallop: Your martini is your drink. Like Bond's, it's shaken, not stirred.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Do I get a "Bond girl" too?
Mr. Codswallop: I believe they are referred to as "Bond women" these days.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I guess not.
Mr. Codswallop: I trust your drink is dry enough for you.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I like it. Lunch in it too. An olive.
Mr. Codswallop: That is part of the recipe.
Mr. Flapdoodle: It's so much harder to figure out your drinks.
Mr. Codswallop: Perhaps you should widen your horizons.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I got a nice e-mail today on that very subject.
Mr. Codswallop: You mean it was some dreadful spam?
Mr. Flapdoodle: They didn't offer me any food, but they did offer to make me bigger in some ways.
Mr. Codswallop: Those e-mails are dreadful.
Mr. Flapdoodle: They scared me too.
Mr. Codswallop: I trust you deleted it.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well, I did skip it over and noticed that I won two lotteries.
Mr. Codswallop: Those are nonexistent as well.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I thought Europe was a country. You even went there.
Mr. Codswallop: Europe is a continent.
Mr. Flapdoodle: There's need to swear at it.
Mr. Codswallop: I hope you did not honestly believe that you had won anything.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well, they needed a processing fee, and I was a little short. Just my luck.
Mr. Codswallop: For once, your constant state of being penniless, paid off for you.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Maybe I'll win again tomorrow. And I never even bought a ticket.

Much to say about roller derby today

2004-06-04T22:12:00.000-07:00

Mr. Codswallop: Must we go and watch some event you refer to as roller derby?
Mr. Flapdoodle: Yep. It's great.
Mr. Codswallop: No one roller derby's any more.
Mr. Flapdoodle: They sure do. Right now, there are two all female leagues in Austin, Texas. There are others too.
Mr. Codswallop: Why would I want to attend such an event?
Mr. Flapdoodle: There's a roller derby revival happening.
Mr. Codswallop: Is that a good thing?
Mr. Flapdoodle: Read about roller derby at this blog.
Mr. Codswallop: Will I learn about the sport?
Mr. Flapdoodle: Check out the links.
Mr. Codswallop: You mean it is golfing too?
Mr. Flapdoodle: No. The links on the Dorectory.
Mr. Codswallop: Do they have drinks at roller derby matches?
Mr. Flapdoodle: Beer, ladies, and action.
Mr. Codswallop: Perhaps, then, we just might try it. Just this once.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Now that's a vacation!

Today is my birthday!

2004-06-03T07:23:00.000-07:00

Mr. codswallop: Happy birthday Wayne.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Happy birthday. Now pass the cake and ice cream.
Mr. Codswallop: Do you not feel you are a bit presumptuous?
Mr. Flapdoodle: I'll present some drinks to everyone!

The local customs and how they grew

2004-06-02T22:15:00.000-07:00

Mr. Codswallop: This is a rather quaint community where you grew up.
Mr. Flapdoodle: We never worried about religions.
Mr. Codswallop: I never mentioned religion.
Mr. Flapdoodle: You said that we were a Quaint community.
Mr. Codswallop: You do need to invest in a good dictionary.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I would rather invest in some good liquor.
Mr. Codswallop: The drink prices here are quite reasonable compared to the city.
Mr. Flapdoodle: That's because they serve home brew.
Mr. Codswallop: HOw do they get away with that illegal activity.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well, when the government inspector comes, the people warn the bartender. He gets out a few bottles of real liquor for show.
Mr. Codswallop: That is despicable behaviour.
Mr. Flapdoodle: It keeps the drinks cheap and strong though.
Mr. Codswallop: There are no ladies in this establishment, as you had promised.
Mr. Flapdoodle: They will arrive sooner or later.
Mr. Codswallop: Do you know when that event will take place.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Are you buying them drinks.
Mr. Codswallop: I had not intended any such thing.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Then we can't signal at the door that some new guy is buying for the ladies.
Mr. Codswallop: That is preposterous.
Mr. Flapdoodle: It works though.

Hellp Mudda, Hello Fadda, Here I am...

2004-06-01T21:39:00.000-07:00

Mr. Codswallop: Your choice of vacation spots is absolutely dreadful.
Mr. Flapdoodle: You told me to find a place within my budget.
Mr. Codswallop: What did your budget amount to anyway?
Mr. Flapdoodle: A half tank of gas and some fast food.
Mr. Codswallop: This lake is filthy. You call it a beach?
Mr. Flapdoodle: Yep. It's Sandy Almost Beach.
Mr. Codswallop: If it is called sandy, where is the purported sand?
Mr. Flapdoodle: Oh there is no sand. It was named for the guy who owned the land next to it.
Mr. Codswallop: What was his name?
Mr. Flapdoodle: Oh, it was old Sandy Almost who owned it. He rented part of the lake to the town as a dump.
Mr. Codswallop: The lake is an old garbage disposal area?
Mr. Flapdoodle: A bit of raw sewage too. Not too much though.
Mr. Codswallop: You said you swam at this alleged beach as a child.
Mr. Flapdoodle: We sure did. We dove to the bottom. First to get an old tire won ice cream.
Mr. Codswallop: The entire area is an environmental disaster area.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well, the town did get a huge government compensation cheque to clean it up.
Mr. Codswallop: Their efforts appeared to have been in vain.
Mr. Flapdoodle: The town divvied up the money and spent the rest to get tourists to the beach.
Mr. Codswallop: Was none of the money used for the cleanup?
Mr. Flapdoodle: The Mayor and old Sandy sure cleaned up.
Mr. Codswallop: You promised that there would be beautiful ladies by the shore.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Oh, The Shore? That's the bar in town.
Mr. Codswallop: Why then are we here?
Mr. Flapdoodle: You wanted to see the Sandy Almost Beach.
Mr. Codswallop: Get in the car and let us travel to The Shore.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I'm with you!

On holiday with our friends

2004-05-30T20:23:00.000-07:00

Mr. Flapdoodle: We need to take a vacation.
Mr. Codswallop: Why would you need to take a holiday?
Mr. Flapdoodle: To rest up from all our hard work.
Mr. Codswallop: I have never known you to do any work of any kind.
Mr. Flapdoodle: That's not true. There was that time. You know. A few months ago. I had a job.
Mr. Codswallop: You got fired for sleeping at work.
Mr. Flapdoodle: They put a bed there. I thought that was the job.
Mr. Codswallop: You were supposed to be vacuuming hotel rooms.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Then they shouldn't have put a bed there.
Mr. Codswallop: It was a hotel. That is what hotels do for business.
Mr. Flapdoodle: They should have put me where there wasn't a bed if they didn't expect me to use it.
Mr. Codswallop: Perhaps you should consider finding gainful employment once again.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I did it once. What more do people expect?
Mr. Codswallop: How do you expect to earn a living?
Mr. Flapdoodle: Your kitchen is well stocked with food. You have nice beds too.
Mr. Codswallop: Now you expect me to finance your holiday as well?
Mr. Flapdoodle: Thanks. That's great! Let's go to somewhere with beaches and lots of ladies.

Oh give me a home where the Flapdoodles roam

2004-05-29T21:31:00.000-07:00

Mr. Codswallop: We appear to have missed that Australian gentleman's Blogger Idol this week.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I never noticed.
Mr. Codswallop: It is your responsibility to keep up with the Blogger Idol events.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I was not home.
Mr. Codswallop: Apparently, if you had been alert to the issue, the topic this week was "Home".
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well, if they were home, then it didn't matter if I was away.
Mr. Codswallop: We are unable to send our Blogger Idol entry anyway, due to technical difficulties.
Mr. Flapdoodle: That was the reason I was fired from my last job. Technical difficulties.
Mr. Codswallop: You were fired because you stayed home from work.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I was home sometimes. I was in the bar too.
Mr. Codswallop: How do you expect to keep your home if you lose your job.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I lived in my car. There's no place like home in a car.
Mr. Codswallop: Do you call that wreck an automobile?
Mr. Flapdoodle: I called it home for six months.
Mr. Codswallop: The Codswallop Estate is a Tudor style home.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I'm sorry they had to live in a small car. Mine's a four door sedan.
Mr. Codswallop: Perhaps, you should concentrate on the Blogger Idol issue of "Home".
Mr. Flapdoodle: If they are issuing homes, I'm there.
Mr. Codswallop: I do not believe that is what was being conveyed.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I don't believe you either. I know a home from a conveyor belt.
Mr. Codswallop: Have you some homilies about home to share with everyone.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I don't think any home should be called homilies. I think they are called homies. Your street cred is gone.
Mr. Codswallop: I am going home.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I'll drive by later in mine.

Bringing the novel up to date: An interlude 3

2004-05-28T21:01:00.000-07:00

Mr. Codswallop: We have now got everyone up to the minute on the characters in our story.
Mr. Flapdoodle: We have?
Mr. Codswallop: Everyone now knows that we are in the story.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well, you get top billing. My agent sucks.
Mr. Codswallop: Your turn is coming.
Mr. Flapdoodle: That's what they all say. The only turn I get is to pay my taxes.
Mr. Codswallop: You do not pay any taxes. You have no income.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well, I would if I had income.
Mr. Codswallop: You do pay taxes, despite your meager earnings.
Mr. Flapdoodle: No. I get my liquor from Mr. McGillicutty. He hides from the revenuers.
Mr. Codswallop: In other words, you are breaking the law.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I never knew it was working.
Mr. Codswallop: "Render unto Caesar the things that are Caesar's".
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well, I don't know this Caesar guy, but the government siezes everything I earn.
Mr. Codswallop: Or at least they would, should you actually earn anything.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Politicians get handouts. Why not me?
Mr. Codswallop: You do not have much faith in those who govern us, do you?
Mr. Flapdoodle: No. I prefer them to go on vacation and do nothing.
Mr. Codswallop: What about the affairs of governing the populace.
Mr. Flapdoodle: They'll have affairs whether they work or not.
Mr. Codswallop: That isa rather bleak view of govvernment.
Mr. Flapdoodle: When they're doing nothing. They're doing no harm.
Mr. Codswallop: You may have a point there.

Bringing the novel up to date: An interlude 2

2004-05-27T22:14:00.000-07:00

Mr. Codswallop: You certainly did a lacklustre job of telling everyone what has happened in the novel thus far.
Mr. Flapdoodle: You never said to tell the story.
Mr. Codswallop: I was hoping you would provide some background.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Why do I have to go into the back?
Mr. Codswallop: Who are the main characters in the novel?
Mr. Flapdoodle: Hey, no fair. My teachers asked those questions in school. I was always wrong.
Mr. Codswallop: How could you possibly be incorrect?
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well, they asked the main characters and I didn't know who they were.
Mr. Codswallop: Why would that be a problem for you?
Mr. Flapdoodle: I never read the book.
Mr. Codswallop: Well, we are obviously characters in our novel.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Sure. You get the easy answers.
Mr. Codswallop: Who else appears in the story?
Mr. Flapdoodle: I don't think anyone appears. They are already there.
Mr. Codswallop: Uncle Cedric and Uncle Cyrus are in the novel.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Hey. I was about to guess them too.
Mr. Codswallop: Do not forget Charles Stuart, his daughter Elizabeth, and his brother Joseph.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Now all that are left are the hard ones.
Mr. Codswallop: Think about the manner of the novel.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I know. I know. Manor Lady!
Mr. Codswallop: There, you named a person in the story after all.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Is that the update?
Mr. Codswallop: There is more to a story than the characters.
Mr. Flapdoodle: You didn't tell me it was a trick question.

Bringing the novel up to date: An interlude

2004-05-26T21:15:00.000-07:00

Mr. Codswallop: Do you realize that our novel has stopped.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I dodn't know it was going.
Mr. Codswallop: Do you not think the continuity of the story might be compromised?
Mr. Flapdoodle: I try to stay out of compromising positions. Mostly.
Mr. Codswallop: Perhaps we need to bring people up to speed on the story line.
Mr. Flapdoodle: No speeding. Cousin Ezra got stopped for speeding. He had no money. I got stuck to pay the fine.
Mr. Codswallop: You do not think that a brief synopsis is in order?
Mr. Flapdoodle: You want to show ladies' briefs? That will get more readers.
Mr. Codswallop: I was speaking of a small summary.
Mr. Flapdoodle: You like the ladies in small briefs too?
Mr. Codswallop: Do you not think the length of the article might turn some readers away.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Speak for yourself. I am kind of proud of my length.
Mr. Codswallop: Obviously the background of the story is lost on you.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I like briefs. I just can't find any ladies to show me their backgrounds at the moment.
Mr. Codswallop: Do you not think of anything but wine, women, and song?
Mr. Flapdoodle: I try not to. But if I have to choose, skip the tunes.
Mr. Codswallop: Your plan then is to leave the readers in the dark?
Mr. Flapdoodle: It can be done with the lights on too.
Mr. Codswallop: Do you not think that knowing the characters in the story would be of value.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I know you. That hasn't done much for me so far.

Nigritude Ultramarine

2004-05-25T21:54:00.000-07:00

Mr. Codswallop: We are in the Nigritude Ultramarine contest.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Is that a new outboard motor?
Mr. Codswallop: Well, at first I was convinced Nigritude Ultramarine was something relating to the military.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Or a new car colour.
Mr. Codswallop: In fact, Nigritude Ultramarine is a search engine optimization (SEO) contest.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I searched an engine once. The police were not amused.
Mr. Codswallop: Wayne is a member of the SEO Chat Dream Team.
Mr. Flapdoodle: He gets to sleep on the job?
Mr. Codswallop: As you know, Wayne writes search engine optimization (SEO) advice articles for SEO Chat.
Mr. Flapdoodle: That doesn't help him sleep.
Mr. Codswallop: The point of the Nigritude Ultramarine contest is to rank the highest for the search term Nigritude Ultramarine by the June 7, and then at the contest conclusion on July 7.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Is that good or should we all expect meteors to land on our heads?
Mr. Codswallop: The Nigritude Ultramarine SEO Chat Dream Team includes some the very elite search engine optimization experts on the internet.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Like James Bond?
Mr. Codswallop: The Nigritude Ultramarine SEO Chat Dream Team will use only good guy "white Hat" techniques to win the event.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Just say no to "black hat" bad guys.
Mr. Codswallop: May the good men and women of the Nigritude Ultramarine SEO Chat Dream Team prevail!
Mr. Flapdoodle: Yay team!

Blogger Problems

2004-05-24T22:08:00.000-07:00

Mr. Codswallop: Blogger seems to be causing difficulties once again.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I'd say more than once!
Mr. Codswallop: Is the problem rectified?
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well, that is a great place for their problems!

Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel XCV

2004-05-23T22:22:00.000-07:00

Mr. Flapdoodle: I think it's time for lunch.
Mr. Codswallop: How can you think of eating at a time like this, when the fate of the world rests in our hands.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I just want some food in my hands.
Uncle Cyrus: I believe the ladies might be hungry.
Mr. Flapdoodle: We can save the world better when we aren't hungry.
Mr. Codswallop: We have a bitof food left, I believe.
Uncle Cyrus: The ladies have delicate palates as you know.
Her Ladyship of Pyle Manor: I'll have what Flapdoodle is having.
Uncle Cyrus: You are making a grave error in that regard.
Mr. Flapdoodle: You are less likely to go to the grave when you're fed.
Uncle Cyrus: I suggest something a trifle less plebian than what you are eating, Flapdoodle.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I think it has all the essential vitamins and additives.
Uncle Cyrus: That is disgusting.
Mr. Flapdoodle: More for us, Manor Lady.
Elizabeth Stuart: Mr. Codswallop has selected a fine meal for us to enjoy.
Uncle Cedric: I will eat almost anything. Did I tell you about some of the exotic creatures I have dined upon during my travels?
Uncle Cyrus: The ladies would rather you kept those tales to yourself.
Mr. Flapdoodle: There can't be much meat on a tail.
Uncle Cyrus: Perhaps, you would be best served to no interrupt.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Great! Cy will be our waiter today. Thanks Cy!

Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel XCIV

2004-05-22T22:56:00.000-07:00

Mr. Codswallop: What on Earth are Charles and Joseph trying to accomplish?
Mr. Flapdoodle: They are playing with those boxes and rings that you call weapons.
Mr. Codswallop: Well, they did use one that knocked us unconscious for quite some time.
Uncle Cyrus: It had no visible effect on me, of course.
her Ladyship of Pyle Manor: That is probably because it only affects those persons with a brain.
Uncle Cyrus: Your impudence will not be tolerated.
Her Ladyship: But your stupidity must be ignored?
Mr. Codswallop: We have too much at stake here to bicker among ourselves.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Joe is playing in those boxes.
Uncle Cedric: I believe that Charles and Joseph believe we are all either dead or totally incapacitated.
Mr. Flapdoodle: We still have our heads and we aren't dead. I hope.
Mr. Codswallop: We are most assuredly still alive.
Mr. Flapdoodle: That's good. I had some money coming to me and I wanted to be alive to get it.
Uncle Cedric: That weapon is a holographic projector.
Mr. Flapdoodle: How do you tell them apart? They are all boxes and rings.
Uncle Cedric: I have examined these weapons of mass destruction for many years.
Mr. Flapdoodle: They learned how to use them faster than you.
Uncle Cedric: They have the manuals that I translated.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Whatever you say.
Mr. Codswallop: What would they want to use a hologram for anyway?
Mr. Flapdoodle: To look like there's more than two of them.
Uncle Cedric: I believe the lad may be right. The two knaves may be planning to create an illusion of a huge army.
Elizabeth Stuart: Whatever Father chooses will be the most elaborate idea imaginable.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Like the aliens coming back for their boxes they forgot when they moved.
Uncle Cedric: You don't suppose that would be their plan?
Uncle Cyrus: That is preposterous.
Her Ladyship: Cyrus disagrees. It's the right idea then.
Elizabeth: It would certainly be the idea display of power in Father's mind.
Mr. Codswallop: He would appear to be endorsed by the very aliens who manufactured the weaponry.
Mr. Flapdoodle: And look like their friend.
Mr. Codswallop: Or the only one who can stop the aliens.
Uncle Cedric: It is too diabolical to imagine.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well, we just did.
Mr. Codswallop: And they imagined it too.

Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel XCIII

2004-05-21T20:56:00.000-07:00

Charles Stuart: We need to devise a plan to further subjugate the surviving humans.
Joseph Stuart: Our best solution to that problem would be to make ourselves heroes to all.
Charles: Perhaps we could rescue those who we do not kill.
Joseph: A splendid idea. I suggest saving them from an alien invasion.
Charles: We could fake an invasion.
Joseph: Brilliant idea. One of these ancient weapons forms a ship holograph. It probably was used to frighten the ancients.
Charles: It will still work on the fools today.
Joseph: The masses are so stupid. They do not deserve to live.
Charles: We could stage an invasion and wipe out the human population.
Joseph: We would then blame the aliens.
Charles: After all, it was their technology that killed them.
Joseph: We would then shut the weapons down, and save humanity.
Charles: That is an absolutely brilliant plan. The idiot masses will happily trade their freedom to us for safety from the evil alien beings.
Joseph: We get to reduce the human population, turn ourselves into heroes, and remove all humanity's freedoms in a single stroke.
Charles: This is the plan we shall initiate immediately.
Joseph: No one can stop it either.
Charles: Prepare to rule the world and all that is in or upon it.
Joseph: We will have our destiny fulfilled.
Charles: Let us begin right away.
Joseph: I need a few moments to adjust the holographic controls to create an invincible alien space craft.
Charles: It will frighten the fools where they stand.
Joseph: And we shall be their executioners and saviours.
Charles: We are the gods on Earth.

Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel XCII

2004-05-20T21:32:00.000-07:00

Mr. Flapdoodle: Did you get the licence number of that truck that hit us?
Mr. Codswallop: I believe it was one of the alien weapons.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Those aliens pack a good punch. Maybe they should take up boxing.
Mr. Codswallop: The weapons are obviously operational.
Mr. Flapdoodle: If they knocked us out, check to see where they operated on us.
Uncle Cedric: Joseph must know how to use the weapons of mass destruction. We must stop them.
Uncle Cyrus: I had them stopped but the rest of you fools just stayed back, like cowards.
Mr. Codswallop: The plan was not to rush out like maniacs.
Mr. Flapdoodle: That describes Cy alright. Joe and Chuck too, for that matter.
Elizabeth Stuart: Obviously Father will stop at nothing in his quest for global domination.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Your family is into some kinky stuff too? I never knew that. You're in luck there, Codswallop!
Her Ladyship of Pyle Manor: I refused to be Joseph's bride. I am certain that sealed my fate.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Sounds like a good deal for you.
Uncle Cedric: Have we got a more realistic plan than anything that Cyrus has proposed?
Mr. Flapdoodle: I didn't know Cy was getting married.
Uncle Cyrus: I was also refused by Her Ladyship. I shall have no more to do with her either.
Her Ladyship: As if you ever did before.
Uncle Cyrus: I would have been the ideal husband.
Her Ladyship: In your dreams.
Mr. Codswallop: Can we save this for later? We have work to do at the moment.
Uncle Cyrus: You do not require my expertise, so you shall have to do it yourselves.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Hey, Cy had a good plan for a change.

Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel XCI

2004-05-19T22:26:00.000-07:00

Uncle Cyrus: I say Charles, unhand those weapons!
Charles Stuart: It's Cyrus! He has followed us.
Joseph Stuart: Here for your payment are you, Cyrus?
Uncle Cyrus: We have you surrounded. Step back from the armaments.
Joseph: There are the others of the party of fools.
Mr. Codswallop: I cannot believe you gave us away.
Uncle Cyrus: Some one had to step forward. It appears you were going to cower in the background.
Mr. Flapdoodle: We are here. Hey Chuck! Bet you can't drive that thing.
Charles: I am able to arm and use the weapons. Stand down.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Don't you mean sit down?
Joseph: We are about to destroy the useless eaters of the world. You may all enjoy the show.
Uncle Cedric: I doubt that you have any ability at all to use those abominable creations.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Are they like the Snowman you saw in the mountains, Cedric?
Elizabeth Stuart: Father, please do not unleash your fury on to the innocents of the world.
Charles: I am doing it for you. For us. For our family's destiny.
Elizabeth: I do not want that blood upon my hands.
Charles: It is clearly for their own good. Death, for our cause, is their duty.
Her Ladyship of Pyle Manor: Joseph, how can you be involved in this barbarism?
Mr. Flapdoodle: Someone is getting a haircut now? I didn't even know Joseph was a barber.
Joseph: Your Ladyship, if you agree to be my bride, you shall be spared and will rule with us in the glorious future.
Her Ladyship: I would prefer death.
Joseph: Then death you shall have. Prepare for your demise.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Hurry! Get over here, Manor Lady. Joe has a gun.
Joseph: Don't worry Flapdoodle. You and your kind are all marked to be sacrificed to the greater good.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I prefer the lesser good, then.
Charles (as a massive explosion takes place and all but Charles and Joseph fall): There you fools. You had your wish. Sorry, my daughter but you chose the wrong path.
Joseph: We have the weapons working. This was a most happy testing.
Charles: Prepare to use the death pulse.
Joseph: In a flash, only those deserving elites, who were forewarned and are in their underground shelters, will survive.
Charles: That is as it should be.
Joseph: These other fools are unconscious.
Charles: No one can stop us now!

Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel XC

2004-05-18T21:15:00.000-07:00

Mr. Flapdoodle: There is Chuck.
Mr. Codswallop: I see Joseph is working with the weaponry.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I know a shotgun and I know what a tank is. Those don't look like weapons to me.
Mr. Codswallop: Here is Cedric. He can tell you about their intricacies.
Mr. Flapdoodle: They get people intimate too?
Uncle Cedric: The weapons of mass destruction were built thousands of years ago by the alien Annunaki. The weapons were used to subjugate humanity.
Mr. Flapdoodle: That would make it hard to breathe alright.
Uncle Cedric: The weapons look merely like boxes and rings and little else. They are incredibly powerful, however.
Mr. Codswallop: Especially in the wrong hands.
Mr. Flapdoodle: And worse in Chuck's hands.
Mr. Codswallop: How close are the weapons to being operational?
Uncle Cedric: They appear to be nearly ready for use.
Mr. Codswallop: Where is Uncle Cyrus and the ladies?
Uncle Cedric: I left the ladies to keep Cyrus out of the way. You know how he can be at times like this.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Or any other time for that matter.
Mr. Codswallop: Uncle Cyrus was planning on some vague notion of heroics.
Uncle Cedric: We certainly do not want that to happen. There is not telling what Charles might do if he is cornered.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Like any other rat. He'll attack.
Mr. Codswallop: If Joseph has the weapons armed, can you stop the destruction?
Uncle Cedric: I do not know. The manuals are very old. Pages are missing. Some of the words are difficult to translate.
Mr. Codswallop: In other words, we are on our own.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Let's make it up as we go along.
Uncle Cedric: If they have the weapons armed, that is all we can do for humanity.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I need to go to the bathroom.
Mr. Codswallop: I think we all do, right now.

Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel LXXXIX

2004-05-17T21:16:00.000-07:00

Mr. Flapdoodle: Do you think Chuck and Joe can hear us?
Mr. Codswallop: I suspect they are too busily entralled in finding the key to operate the weapons of mass destruction.
Mr. Flapdoodle: The keys are in the ashtray or the window visor.
Mr. Codswallop: That is not the type of key to which I was referring.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well, they need the keys to start the things.
Mr. Codswallop: I was speaking metaphorically.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I've never been to that country.
Mr. Codswallop: If Charles and Joseph are operating as expected, they will be concentrating on the weapons.
Mr. Flapdoodle: They are getting an operation too?
Mr. Codswallop: Perhaps we can use the element of surprise to our advantage.
Mr. Flapdoodle: And we can sneak up on them too.
Mr. Codswallop: I am concerned that Uncle Cyrus will give us away.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Cy can give, but I'm not being taken.
Mr. Codswallop: Uncle Cedric can disarm any operational weapons systems. I am certain of that.
Mr. Flapdoodle: As long as he can stop them. He doesn't need to be a doctor.
Mr. Codswallop: I believe I hear Charles and Joseph discussing our situation.
Mr. Flapdoodle: At least they remembered us. Maybe they'll send a card.
Mr. Codswallop: I sincerely doubt that concept is on their immediate agenda.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Hey! you hear that? They mentioned us.
Mr. Codswallop: They do not think too highly of our talents.
Mr. Flapdoodle: And they're the ones who can't find the keys to those things.

Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel LXXXVIII

2004-05-16T20:57:00.000-07:00

Joseph Stuart: Do you hear something in the tunnels?
Charles Stuart: It is probably just the wind. We have been hearing it all week.
Joseph: I am going to investigate its cause.
Charles: Forget chasing sounds, and work on operating these weapons.
Joseph: You I right. I am probably hearing things.
Charles: No one could possibly ever find us here.
Joseph: Cedric Codswallop has been here before, but now lacks any maps.
Charles: Besides, the man is too stupid to even find his own shoes in the morning without assistance.
Joseph: The Codswallops are rather a bumbling lot, are they not.
Charles: They also have that idiotic Flapdoodle with them. He is guaranteed to impede their progress.
Joseph: Yes. His stupidy will get into their way.
Charles: My daughter Elizabeth will return to our side eventually.
Joseph: I am planning on claiming ownership of Her Ladyship and of Pyle Manor.
Charles: That is a worthy goal. I salute you on your taste.
Joseph: Now, if only I could get these Annunaki weapons to work as we require.
Charles: Patience, my brother, we will have them fully operational in time to take over the world.
Joseph: That does sound like fun. I am most looking forward to destroying most of the global population.
Charles: It will be a glorious day indeed.
Joseph: There is that sound in the tunnels again.
Charles: You are getting nervous on me?
Joseph: I must be hearing things.
Charles: That is most certainly the case.
Joseph: My mind must be playing tricks on me as I could have sworn I heard that oaf Flapdoodle declaring he was hungry.
Charles: That is indeed your imagination.
Joseph: You are right. One thing in life is certain. Flapdoodle and any of the Codswallops could never be here.

Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel LXXXVII

2004-05-15T18:29:00.000-07:00

Mr. Flapdoodle: I'm hungry.
Mr. Codswallop: We have to keep going, despite our hunger.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I could sure use a cheeseburger or a taco.
Mr. Codswallop: Your food tastes do not seem to improve wherever you travel.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I like what I like. French fries would be great too.
Mr. Codswallop: Perhaps you could avoid discussions of food.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Onion rings always go well with everything.
Mr. Codswallop: Well, as a matter of interest, I would not turn down a meal of roast beef and Yorkshire pudding.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Even Jello Pudding would be great right now.
Mr. Codswallop: Do you think the others are hungry as well?
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well, Cy will be. But he always says the ladies are hungry.
Mr. Codswallop: That deflection on to others is one of Uncle Cyrus's peculiarities.
Mr. Flapdoodle: If you're hungry, then say so.
Mr. Codswallop: Uncle Cyrus feels badly about being duped by Charles and he thought Joseph was a trusted confidant.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Two seconds with Chuck, or less, and anyone would consider him a crook.
Mr. Codswallop: Charles is far more than a simple "crook", as you so delicately put it.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Chuck is not delicate and he's a crook.
Mr. Codswallop: I think a roast turkey would be wonderful right at this moment.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Or pizza. All the toppings. With a beer.
Mr. Codswallop: Perhaps we had best keep our thoughts of food to ourselves.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Okay. I'll just walk along thinking of chocolate cake and ice cream.
Mr. Codswallop: We are nearing the destination.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I hope they have a drive through.

Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel LXXXVI

2004-05-14T22:40:00.000-07:00

Uncle Cedric: I believe we have found the tunnel taken by Charles and Joseph.
Uncle Cyrus: I knew I had selected the correct one from the very beginning.
Her Ladyship of Pyle Manor: I highly doubt you had any idea at all where to start.
Uncle Cyrus: I clearly recall telling everyone we must take the seventh tunnel.
Mr. Flapdoodle: How come I miss all of those important announcements.
Her Ladyship: Probably because they were never made in the first place.
Uncle Cyrus: You doubt my word?
Her Ladyship: I merely suspect your memory of events is a little cloudy.
Mr. Flapdoodle: He remembers the clouds?
Uncle Cedric: If we hurry, we can catch them very soon.
Uncle Cyrus: I have always recommended hurrying but everyone here insists on dallying.
Uncle Cedric: They have possession of the alien Annunaki weapons of mass destruction. It is only a matter of time until they are able to use them freely.
Elizabeth Stuart: There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that Father will use the weapons to achieve his goals.
Mr. Codswallop: Perhaps we should make provision for that possibility. If they can operate the weapons, we need a plan to stop them.
Uncle Cyrus: Your planning gets us nowhere, except lost.
Uncle Cedric: Cyrus, you have no idea of the awesome power in those weapons.
Uncle Cyrus: They said that during the wonderful war too. I checked the enemy in his tracks.
Uncle Cedric: The Wars of Gods and Men were fought over four thousand years ago. They effectively ended civilization in the Middle East for centuries.
Uncle Cyrus: Those were local and minor wars.
Uncle Cedrc: They were nuclear wars, at the very least. They destroyed Sodom and Gommorah with nuclear weaponry. The down wind Sumerian culture, located in modern Iraq, was destroyed by the fallout radiation.
Uncle Cyrus: That is all a fairy tale.
Uncle Cedric: Well, the weapons are at the end of this tunnel. They were moved here from Iraq.
Uncle Cyrus: A likely story indeed.
Uncle Cedric: It is thought by many experts, that the recent Gulf Wars were fought to gain that weaponry. Oil was, in fact, secondary.
Uncle Cyrus: You are insane, Cedric.
Mr. Codswallop: Let us continue on our way.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I have the flashlights. Cedric dropped his again.

Codswallop Chronicles : A Novel LXXXV

2004-05-13T21:38:00.000-07:00

Charles Stuart: I am rapidly becoming annoyed at your inability to operate these weapons systems.
Joseph Stuart: Calm down, Charles. These are extremely advanced technologies.
Charles: How advanced can they be? They were buried over four thousand years ago following the Wars of Gods and Men.
Joseph: The Annunaki were far more advanced then, than we are now. We are rapidly closing the weapons gap, however.
Charles: When the Annunaki return to Earth, I want to be there to greet them as the planet's uncontested leader.
Joseph: We have to get the weapons operational, and then use them on the troublesome population.
Charles: I like that idea. We will rid the Earth of all disidents first, and the useless eaters second.
Joseph: I believe we could do it by income. Anyone below a certain income cutoff point will be executed.
Charles: That is only reasonable. Anyone unable to earn a living is automatically worthless. By definition, they are merely parasites.
Joseph: A man's worth is guaged by his wealth.
Charles: Of course, we will return to women to property status as deemed holy by the gods.
Joseph: Where anyone ever devised the, at best misguided concept that women were even remotely equal to a man, is a mystery to me.
Charles: Women will be property under our societal laws, freely tradeable like any other commodity, as they should be now.
Joseph: The foolishness of women's equality is what destroyed society as we know it.
Charles: We will certainly correct that error.
Joseph: We will permit a man to have as many wives as he wishes to purchase.
Charles: That is a sensible law. Of course, only a limited number of women will be deemed acceptable to bear children. If they are from an inferior bloodline, they will be rendered sterile.
Joseph: That is a brilliant and most equitable and fair plan for all concerned.
Charles: Our society will be a paradise on Earth, as it was in the days of Annunaki kingship.
Joseph: Everyone will be born into their role as the gods intended.
Charles: This horrible idea, that people can actually rise from their gods given station, will be snuffed out once and for all.
Joseph: Let the DNA decide.
Charles: I like that for a societal motto.

Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel LXXXIV

2004-05-12T21:49:00.000-07:00

Uncle Cedric: I have remembered the directions!
Uncle Cyrus: I highly doubt that after our last chasing of a relatively untamed gander.
Mr. Flapdoodle: You mean a wild goose chase?
Uncle Cyrus: Do not mock me!
Mr. Flapdoodle: I have heard of mock turtle and mock duck. Is that a mock goose?
Uncle Cyrus: Will you let Cedric tell us his directions or not?
Uncle Cedric: Thank you, Cyrus.
Uncle Cyrus: As you can see Flapdoodle, a little courtesy pays off in the end.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Like a kick in the pants.
Uncle Cedric: There are thirteen corridors. Each one represents one of the thirteen ruling class families, including the true royal bloodline.
Elizabeth Stuart: I am guessing that the one for the true Annunaki bloodline would be the correct choice?
Uncle Cedric: If I were a betting man...
Mr. Codswallop: ...which you are...
Uncle Cedric: I would wager on just that occurance.
Uncle Cyrus: That is all well and good Cedric, but which corridor would you select? Every one that you have chosen has taken us in circles.
Uncle Cedric: I am thinking that 322 is the magic number.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Yup, that is logical. Not!
Uncle Cedric: That number is very special to many secret societies.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Then they need a more secret area code.
Uncle Cedric: Some combination resulting in 322, will get us to the correct route.
Mr. Flapdoodle: They add up to seven. Just so you know I went to school, Cy.
Uncle Cedric: Bravo! That is it! We will take the seventh entry.
Uncle Cyrus: I suggested that from the start.
Her Ladyship of Pyle Manor: Actually, you had no suggestions whatsoever.
Uncle Cyrus: I said distinctly, "Cedric, we must take the seventh corridor."
Mr. Flapdoodle: I must have missed that rant.
Mr. Codswallop: We all missed it.
Uncle Cyrus: Perhaps if all of you would listen to me more often, we would be in less trouble.
Her Ladyship: I would think your ideas would get us into deeper trouble.
Uncle Cyrus: Well, in any case, Cedric agrees with my initial suggestion. Follow me!
Mr. Flapdoodle: Famous last words!

Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel LXXXIII

2004-05-11T21:23:00.000-07:00

Uncle Cyrus: The temperature in here is rather chilly. I am certain that the ladies must be cold.
Elizabeth Stuart: I am fine. I wore an extra sweater.
Her Ladyship of Pyle Manor: I have on my tweed jacket. I am quite warm.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Cy is cold and won't admit it.
Mr. Codswallop: Uncle Cyrus has always been rather sensitive to the colder weather.
Uncle Cedric: Cyrus, we do not have far to go now.
Uncle Cyrus: I was merely expressing concern for the welfare of the ladies.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Just keep your hands in your pockets.
Uncle Cyrus: Your thoughts are incredibly vulgar, young man.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I wore gloves.
Uncle Cyrus: Those are the most hideous gloves I have ever seen in my life.
Mr. Flapdoodle: But they keep my hands warm.
Uncle Cyrus: I believe we need to find Charles soon, for the good of our group.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Or for the good of your health, since you gave them weapons in the first place.
Uncle Cyrus: Cedric freely provided them with the operational handbooks.
Uncle Cedric: I gave them to you for safe keeping.
Mr. Flapdoodle: We know how that turned out.
Mr. Codswallop: We must keep going as Charles will not be stopping.
Elizabeth: That is certainly true. Father will stop at nothing to achieve his goals.
Uncle Cedric: If he, or more likely Joseph, is able to comprehend the way those weapons are used, it will be a sad day for everyone.
Mr. Codswallop: Perhaps not for Charles.
Uncle Cyrus: We could all have been part of that glorious rule, you know.
Mr. Codswallop: I would not want any part of such a genocidal regime.
Elizabeth: Father will do as the ruling families recommended, in reducing the global population to one half billion, from the current six plus billion people.
Mr. Flapdoodle: That's a lot of reducing.
Mr. Codswallop: It is maniacal in the extreme.
Uncle Cedric: The weapons provide that capability to Charles.
Uncle Cyrus: I believe the ladies are cold.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well those plans are chilling.

Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel LXXXII

2004-05-10T22:10:00.000-07:00

Uncle Cedric: I believe we have closed the distance between ourselves and Charles Stuart.
Uncle Cyrus: I trust then, we are no longer lost.
Uncle Cedric: We were not lost, merely uncertain of our direction.
Uncle Cyrus: Now, that statement made sense.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Sounded like he admitted we were lost.
Mr. Codswallop: Ignore them. They always talk like that with one another.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Hey. Charles and Joseph had the same lunch we had.
Mr. Codswallop: How do you know that fact?
Uncle Cyrus: Perhaps the lad has some unrealized and unappreciated deductive powers.
Uncle Cedric: I think we are very close to catching Charles and Joseph.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I just found the wrapper. It must be Charles's lunch. It's marked with a big letter C.
Mr. Codswallop: We are almost there, then.
Mr. Flapdoodle: The wrapper says "C...Y...C"
Uncle Cyrus: Let me examine that wrapper.
Mr. Flapdoodle: He even ate the same boring meal you did, Cy.
Uncle Cyrus: That is my own lunch wrapper. I wrote my initials on it, to prevent it being eaten by Flapdoodle, in one of his fits of hunger.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Why did you carry it along with you then. It was empty.
Uncle Cyrus: I never brought it along with us. Cedric!
Uncle Cedric: I fear we have been travelling in circles. We are back to the same spot where we ate our lunch.
Uncle Cyrus: I was led to believe that you knew the correct route.
Uncle Cedric: All it took was one wrong turn. I no longer have the map.
Her Ladyship of Pyle Manor: Of course not. Cyrus gave the map to Charles.
Mr. Flapdoodle: For free too.
Uncle Cyrus: I will not be blamed for this fiasco. It is Cedric's fault for getting us lost. It is Flapdoodle's fault for being an idiot. It is Her Ladyship's fault for siding against me with that oaf of a Flapdoodle:
Her Ladyship: You certainly do not mind handing out the blame, do you Cyrus.
Uncle Cyrus: I am entirely blameless. If all of you had listened to me, we would all be doing very well indeed.
Her Ladyship: If you consider being a slave to Charles and Joseph a good thing.
Uncle Cedric: We can still find the proper pathway.
Mr. Codswallop: This is simply a temporary setback.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Maybe Chuck and Joe got lost too.
Uncle Cedric: That is a possibility. They may not comprehend the map.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Don't step in their lunch then.

Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel LXXXI

2004-05-09T22:34:00.000-07:00

Mr. Flapdoodle: I'm hungry.
Uncle Cyrus: Have you no self control at all?
Mr. Flapdoodle: Yes, and I'm hungry.
Mr. Codswallop: I am certain that others are hungry as well.
Elizabeth Stuart: I think we have time to eat our lunches.
Uncle Cyrus: This delay is going to cost us dearly.
Uncle Cedric: We will make better progress once we have eaten. It will also provide me with some time to assess our relative position.
Uncle Cyrus: In other words, we are lost as well as having several peckish members.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Cy, there are ladies present.
Uncle Cyrus: Does the term idiot mean anything to you.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I believe it refers to someone who sold something but nver got paid for it.
Uncle Cyrus: How dare you mock me.
Mr. Codswallop: There is no need for bickering. Let us dine in quiet.
Uncle Cedric: I will take a look around as I eat. I want to get our bearings.
Uncle Cyrus: We are lost. I am sure that the ladies are concerned about the wild beasts that dwell in these confounded corridors.
Mr. Flapdoodle: If they were found, we wouldn't be lost.
Uncle Cyrus: Would you please go and get in front of a booby trap and spare us your commentary.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Her Ladyship is missing.
Uncle Cyrus: How did you manage to lose her, you lout.
Mr. Codswallop: There is no need to panic. I am certain she is right here.
Uncle Cyrus: Losing one of the delicate sex is unforgiveable.
Mr. Codswallop: You must learn, Uncle Cyrus, that women are no longer the passive creatures you envision.
Uncle Cyrus: You are turning on our traditions as well.
Mr. Codswallop: I am trying to drag you kicking and screaming into the modern world.
Uncle Cyrus: You are both pathetic excuses. That is all I have to say.
Uncle Cedric: Her Ladyship and I have found the correct turn to make for the next leg of our journey.
Mr. Codswallop: As you can see, Her Ladyship was not lost at all, but was working on a solution to our navigational problem.
Uncle Cyrus: I still think that Flapdoodle lost her and Cedric is covering for him.
Mr. Flapdoodle: You have covers too? No holding out on the rest of us.

Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel LXXX

2004-05-08T23:06:00.000-07:00

Uncle Cyrus: You failed to inform the ladies as to the low level of light in this tunnel.
Mr. Flapdoodle: It's dark too.
Uncle Cedric: Do be careful of booby traps and of poisonous creatures.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I was happier when it was only just dark in here.
Uncle Cedric: The entire system is well guarded and without the map, we must rely upon our memory.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I don't remember ever being here.
Mr. Codswallop: Uncle Cedric means we must rely upon his memory.
Mr. Flapdoodle: And that's supposed to help us?
Elizabeth Stuart: Father will have taken the quickest route. That is his way.
Uncle Cedric: There is a short cut, but it is very dangerous.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Does everything have to keep getting worse?
Uncle Cedric: I took the short cut twice, but I am uncertain about all of the hazards.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Yup, it keeps getting worse.
Uncle Cyrus: I will escort the ladies and ensure their safety.
Mr. Flapdoodle: And yours.
Uncle Cedric: I will lead the way.
Mr. Flapdoodle: That is the best idea I've heard all day.
Uncle Cedric: Of course, if I trip off some of the booby traps, or alert the beasts that lurk in the darkness, those following me might be in even greater danger.
Mr. Flapdoodle: So much for things getting any easier.
Mr. Codswallop: I will assist Uncle Cedric in finding the dangers.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Sure. Volunteer to be on point when it might be the safest place.
Uncle Cyrus: I will protect the ladies from any possible injury.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Don't stick your hands in any dark places.
Uncle Cyrus: Do you consider me to be a fool?
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well, since you asked.
Mr. Codswallop: Let us keep cool heads about us. We need to be alert to the many hazards in the tunnels.
Uncle Cedric: We must be certain to take the correct turns, or we can get permanently lost in this labyrinthine structure.
Mr. Flapdoodle: It looks like a maze to me.
Uncle Cyrus: That is what Cedric already stated, you oaf.
Mr. Flapdoodle: No, he was talking about us being like lab rats in here.
Her Ladyship of Pyle Manor: Flapdoodle does have a point there.
Uncle Cyrus: Your Ladyship, if you consider Flapdoodle to be capable of protecting your person better than I, then go to his side.
Her Ladyship: I believe I will, as your hands have a tendency to explore dark places.
Uncle Cyrus: Well I never heard the like.
Her Ladyship: Well, it is about time that you did hear it.
Uncle Cyrus: Go over there with Flapdoodle and watch out for dangerous creatures. I am quite certain that he will not be able to see them.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Come on over here, Manor Lady. I have a flashlight.
Uncle Cyrus: Give me that torch at once.
Mr. Flapdoodle: If you want a torch, light one yourself. I'll use my flashlight.
Mr. Codswallop: Uncle Cyrus, where is the light you were given.
Uncle Cyrus: I was...well...saving it for when we needed it.
Elizabeth: He dropped it. Here it is. I went back for it.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I'm sure glad he's not protecting me.

Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel LXXIX

2004-05-07T21:45:00.000-07:00

Uncle Cedric: The location of the alien Annunaki weapons of mass destruction is just up ahead.
Mr. Codswallop: I will take the car around to the back, to prevent Charles and Joseph from seeing us arrive.
Mr. Flapdoodle: They know our car?
Mr. Codswallop: They might not know the individual automobile, but I am quite postive in guessing that they would suspect it is us.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I am worried about positive guesses.
Uncle Cedric: The alien weapons are hidden in an underground bunker that goes deep within the earth.
Uncle Cyrus: How would you find the weaponry then?
Uncle Cedric: I used the ancient maps and manuscripts that have been passed through the various secret societies for millenia.
Uncle Cyrus: Do Charles and Joseph have those maps in their possession?
Uncle Cedric: I believe they do Cyrus. After all, you gave them to them in hopes of receiving some cash compensation.
Uncle Cyrus: You are exaggerating and distorting the facts of the matter.
Elizabeth Stuart: Father was quite confident that he could find and use the weapons in all of their destructive capabilities.
Uncle Cedric: Our lone hope is they are unable to decipher the ancient texts, although as a Knight Templar, Joseph has studied esoteric manuscripts and languages.
Mr. Flapdoodle: He wanted me to be a Knight, but I never got a horse, or armour, or anything.
Mr. Codswallop: I believe Uncle Cedric is talking about the Order itself, and not the trappings.
Mr. Flapdoodle: They get to go trapping too? We never did that either.
Uncle Cedric: We must hurry as they have an enormous head start and they possess the maps and manuals for the weapons.
Uncle Cyrus: You mean to say that you failed to make a copy of the manuscripts?
Uncle Cedric: I never expected you to donate them to Charles and his cause.
Mr. Codswallop: There is no need to bicker among ourselves. We will cross those bridges when we find them.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I don't like bridges. I went on a swing bridge once. It was awful.
Mr. Codswallop: We are here now. Let us embark on our mission to stop the end of humanity.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Can I go to the bathroom first?

Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel LXXVIII

2004-05-06T22:47:00.000-07:00

Uncle Cyrus: What on Earth is taking those ladies so long.
Mr. Codswallop: I believe they said they were off to powder their noses.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I thought they had to go to the bathroom.
Mr. Codswallop: That is what the euphemism represented.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I didn't do anything. Don't say "you" to me.
Mr. Codswallop: A euphemism...oh never mind.
Uncle Cyrus: We are nearing the end of our quest. Charles and Joseph cannot be far ahead of us now.
Uncle Cedric: My greatest fear is they will find the instructions for unleashing the weapons of mass destruction on an unsuspecting humanity.
Uncle Cyrus: You were not so foolish as to leave them an operator's manual, were you, Cedric?
Uncle Cedric: At least I did not attempt to sell them the weaponry and betray all of the human race.
Uncle Cyrus: I was only doing what was best for the family.
Mr. Flapdoodle: And trying to impress the Manor Lady.
Uncle Cyrus: I will not stand for you besmirching Her Ladyship in my presence.
Mr. Flapdoodle: You are sitting.
Uncle Cyrus: Your belittling of Her Ladyship is unconscionable.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I didn't notice her size changing at all.
Mr. Codswallop: Let us not bicker among ourselves. We have far more important concerns.
Uncle Cyrus: Sure, you have Elizabeth either way. Win or lose.
Mr. Codswallop: I had not intended to ever be part of anyone's plans.
Uncle Cyrus: And Flapdoodle is forever getting friendly with Her Ladyship.
Uncle Cedric: Or the other way around.
Uncle Cyrus: Must everyone attempt to humiliate me?
Mr. Flapdoodle: You seem to have a talent for it yourself. It's a bit like my Uncle Eli...
Uncle Cyrus: Absolutely no one cares about your low brow relatives and their lack of breeding.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Oh they bred alright. There are lots of them.
Uncle Cyrus: I was correct. You are an imbecile.
Uncle Cedric: Actually, I believe that Flapdoodle has some rather colourful relations.
Uncle Cyrus: Everyone is against me. Everyone.
Mr. Codswallop: Here come the ladies now. It is time to continue our journey.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I don't see any powder on their noses.

Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel LXXVII

2004-05-05T21:59:00.000-07:00

Mr. Flapdoodle: Are we there yet?
Mr. Codswallop: What is the "there" to which you refer?
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well, there, there.
Mr. Codswallop: You mean perhaps the location of Charles and Joseph?
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well, that is a there, isn't it?
Mr. Codswallop: I would suggest patience.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Are we going to the hospital? Who's sick?
Mr. Codswallop: We are not going anywhere near any hospital that I am aware.
Mr. Flapdoodle: You were talking about some patients.
Uncle Cyrus: Would you two mind not discussing your usual inane topics?
Mr. Flapdoodle: You go back to sleep, and keep your foot off mine.
Uncle Cyrus: It is difficult for the ladies to rest with you babbling about nothing.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I wasn't talking about nothing. I was asking if we were there yet.
Uncle Cyrus: Maybe my nephew can inform us of that situation. As Flapdoodle asked, are we there yet?
Mr. Codswallop: We are not here. We are not there. We are not even remotely close to being anywhere.
Mr. Flapdoodle: He's a poet, you know.
Uncle Cyrus: I believe the lad has gone insane from listening to you.
Mr. Flapdoodle: He's been that way as long as I've known him.
Uncle Cedric: Have we arrived at our destination.
Mr. Flapdoodle: See, Cedric wants to know if we're there yet too.
Mr. Codswallop: We have not yet arrived at any destination.
Uncle Cedric: Well then, back to my sleep.
Uncle Cyrus: How can you sleep with these two blithering idiots and their inane banter?
Uncle Cedric: I grew up listening to you, Cyrus.
Elizabeth Stuart: Why did no one awaken me if we are there.
Mr. Codswallop: We are most assuredly not there yet.
Her Ladyship of Pyle Manor: I could have sworn someone said we had arrived.
Mr. Codswallop: We have not arrived. Is everyone clear on that fact?
Mr. Flapdoodle: I think he means we're not there yet.
Mr. Codswallop: That is precisely what I mean.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I was first to ask though.
Uncle Cyrus: Flapdoodle would consider that an honour, would he not?
Mr. Flapdoodle: I sure would. By the way, are we there yet?

Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel LXXVI

2004-05-04T22:46:00.000-07:00

Charles Stuart: We have found them at last.
Joseph Stuart: The Annunaki weapons of mass destruction are ours.
Charles : We will now control the entire planet.
Joseph: The entire populace will bow to us and beg for life.
Charles: We will only select the best classes to live. The world population must be reduced immediately to half a billion from the current level of over six billion pathetic souls.
Joseph: Those of our species, with Annunaki genetics, will be on the survivor list of course.
Charles: The bulk of the useless eaters are an inferior species, lacking the proper genetics.
Joseph: One of these wonderful alien weapons selects specifically to not kill those with Annunaki genes.
Charles: What a blessing to humanity such a weapon would be, and such a pleasure to use.
Joseph: I hope to see millions upon millions of worthless people begging to be allowed to live.
Charles: I do as well. Of course, they will die.
Joseph: We will select out the most beautiful women for the pleasure of the elite survivors.
Charles: Of course, they will have to be sterilized to prevent the confluence of their mere human genetics with the superior genes of the select.
Joseph: That indeed is a given.
Charles: The gentlemen of the better classes require many women for their entertainment and relaxation.
Joseph: That is indeed a certainty. The elites have earned that privilege.
Charles: Do you know how to operate these exotic and delightful weapons of world improvement?
Joseph: That fool of a Cedric Codswallop left a manual outlining their precise operation.
Charles: The fool will unwittingly help to destroy the other fools of the planet.
Joseph: We never even paid him for the entertainment that the elimination of the masses will provide for us.
Charles: I move to let him live. As a reward, we will give him a few of the women for his pleasure.
Joseph: Your generosity knows no boundaries.
Charles: Once we get rid of the worthless populace, we can rule our world as the Annunaki intended.
Joseph: They kept humanity as slaves, and as their flock.
Charles: As above, so below.
Jospeh: It is written.

Do ya wanna know a secret?

2004-05-03T21:59:00.000-07:00

Mr. Codswallop: You may be interested to know that the Australian gentleman Darren Rowse of Blogger Idol wants to know the secret.
Mr. Flapdoodle: The secret of what?
Mr. Codswallop: I have no idea. He simply mentioned a secret.
Mr. Flapdoodle: If it's one of those secret lingerie company catalogues, I want those secrets too.
Mr. Codswallop: I believe he was wanting a more esoteric secret.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Like life, the universe and everything. Wait, that's already been done.
Mr. Codswallop: Perhaps he wants the secret of the fountain of youth.
Mr. Flapdoodle: My Uncle Eli was caught near a fountain with a youth and that cost him ten years in the slammer. That is a family secret of course.
Mr. Codswallop: I do not believe that he wants anything quite so unnerving.
Mr. Flapdoodle: You want unnerving. I'll tell you the secret of playing goal in hockey.
Mr. Codswallop: You mean that ruffian's sport played with sticks on ice?
Mr. Flapdoodle: That's the one.
Mr. Codswallop: I did not realize there was any secret to such an unruly event.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well, you see the game is played like this. I was put into goal because I couldn't skate and I didn't know any better.
Mr. Codswallop: That certainly describes you very well.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well they have these huge men who hit the puck with their sticks, and send the puck flying at me, at over ninety miles an hour.
Mr. Codswallop: That is where you were stationed. Good show.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well, I tried to duck out of the way of the flying pucks, which looked like bullets coming at my head.
Mr. Codswallop: Were you successful in your escape?
Mr. Flapdoodle: No, I was much to slow to get out of the way. All of the pucks hit me. None missed me.
Mr. Codswallop: Were you removed from the duties of a netminder as a result?
Mr. Flapdoodle: No, I wasn't. It seems I made what they called "great saves" and declared me the team's starting goaltender.
Mr. Codswallop: Perhaps you were to start, but were you able to complete your assignment? Did anyone go to your aid?
Mr. Flapdoodle: No, they wouldn't let me out of the goal, because I was always too slow to get out of the way of the puck. I kept getting hit. No one else seemed to get hit.
Mr. Codswallop: I am certain your team mates must have felt your pain.
Mr. Flapdoodle: No, they enjoyed seeing me suffer. So did our fans. They cheered and clapped every time the puck hit me. They even seemed to delight in a death chant of my name.
Mr. Codswallop: That is brutally sadistic.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Tell me about it. It was very painful. I wasn't able to avoid a single puck. They called it a shutout. Everyone was laughing and cheering and chanting. I was aching with pain.
Mr. Codswallop: Have you discovered the secret of getting out of being a goal keeper?
Mr. Flapdoodle: I haven't discovered the secret yet, but maybe if I get in shape, I might get out of the way faster.
Mr. Codswallop: Perhaps your mates would feel good about that prospect.
Mr. Flapdoodle: When I told them about that, they refused to let me do anything to change my poor escapes. Something about changing the luck.
Mr. Codswallop: It did not sound too fortunate for your well being.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I don't think the rest of the team likes me.
Mr. Codswallop: Why would you get that impression?
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well, I did manage to avoid one puck in our third game, and they all seemed very unhappy about it.
Mr. Codswallop: Perhaps they enjoy pain in that group.
Mr. Flapdoodle: You might have a point there. They all seem to have a secret about something. I think it's the phone number to Helga's House of Pain.
Mr. Codswallop: That very well could be the case after all.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I knew we'd find the secret sooner or later.

Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel LXXV

2004-05-02T22:25:00.000-07:00

Mr. Flapdoodle: Has anyone got any ideas about what we are going to say to Chuck and Joe when we catch them?
Mr. Codswallop: I believe we need to formulate a plan of action.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I say we just go up them and take whatever they have.
Uncle Cedric: I do not believe you understand the power of the alien made weaponry.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well, I don't know anything about alien maids or their guns but I don't think we should worry.
Elizabeth Stuart: Father is very determined in his goals and will not be deterred easily.
Uncle Cyrus: I know now that Joseph, who I thought was my friend and confidant cannot be trusted.
Her Ladyship of Pyle Manor: You are rather slow in that regard Cyrus.
Uncle Cyrus: You have turned on me as well. I was led to believe we would one day marry.
Her Ladyship: I believe you were led the wrong way.
Mr. Flapdoodle: We outnumber them even with Cy. We can get the drop on them, even with Cy.
Uncle Cyrus: I will have you know that I am a veteran of conflict and war.
Mr. Codswallop: There is no need for us to fight among ourselves. Charles and Joseph are the problem.
Elizabeth: Perhaps I can talk to father.
Her Ladyship: I sincerely doubt if he will alter his plans in any way.
Uncle Cedric: He is probably already drunk with power.
Mr. Flapdoodle: He'll be easier to take if he's loaded.
Mr. Codswallop: Uncle Cedric was using a figure of speech.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Your family uses a lot of those. No wonder no one knows what they are talking about half the time.
Mr. Codswallop: I suppose we are left to formulate a plan as we go.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Make it up as we go along. Sounds good to me.
Uncle Cyrus: I suggest we use a maneuver employed by Napoleon.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I'd rather not.
Mr. Codswallop: Let me think about the matter. Perhaps something in the way of an opportunity will present itself.
Mr. Flapdoodle: LIke I said. We'll make up our plan as we go along.

Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel LXXIV

2004-05-01T21:23:00.000-07:00

Charles Stuart: We are almost out of petrol. We shall require an addition of fuel to our tank.
Joseph: I see a service station up the road ahead.
Charles: Do not stop at one of those dreadful places that require a gentleman to add his own petrol the tank.
Joseph: I would never even consider such an option.
Charles: The lesser beings, whose purpose is to serve their betters, should fill the tank on our behalf.
Joseph: That is as it should be in a proper society.
Charles: We simply must eliminate ninety percent of the world's population. They are a needless drain on resources and serve no useful function.
Joseph: All that is required is a slave servant to take care of the unpleasantries.
Charles: They are born into slavery now. The fools simply fail to understand. After all, most of the worthless population are stupid and only care about pleasure.
Joseph: Our planned extermination camps and biological population reduction will be easy with the Annunaki weaponry.
Charles: Some of the mind controlling devices will have the fools marching joyfully to their much deserved demise.
Joseph: We control the children because we will control the world's schools.
Charles: It will be a blessing to humanity when we cause a lockdown of tha schools and transport the children away to their reeducation compounds.
Joseph: It will be for their own good. We will quietly remove all of those with inferior genetics. That would be, according to my estimate, about three quarters of them in total.
Charles: The better lots can be trained properly for their roles as either master or servant.
Joseph: Their classes are fixed in any case. We would be helping them to think as we place them where they are more well suited.
Charles: The remaining half billion people on Earth will thank us for our efforts.
Joseph: We ask not much of society. All we request is cooperation and the satisfaction of a job well done. History will remember us as the true saviours of humanity.
Charles: You are truly wise, my brother. The world needs a strong firm hand. We will provide it for them. After all, the populace are like children and need to be disciplined and given their orders.
Joseph: They do not want to be free. They want to be slaves. We are giving them what they want.
Service Station Attendant: Would you like a fill up, sir?
Joseph: Yes, and be quick about it too. Wash the windscreen as well.
Attendant: Yes, sir.
Charles: Every inferior being should call us lord or master, and be thankful to be allowed to even live. We will write it into the laws of the world.
Attendant: That will be forty Pounds, sir.
Joseph: Here is your money. Oh, I dropped it on the ground. Do pick it up will you?
Charles: Let us go now. Oh, look at the fool grovelling for a few bills.
Joseph: They are truly pathetic beings, are they not.
Charles: Mark him down for extermination.
Joseph: That will be a pleasure.

Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel LXXIII

2004-04-30T21:56:00.000-07:00

Uncle Cyrus: I say, it was might civilized of everyone to finally permit the ladies to enjoy a proper meal, at a restaurant befitting their station.
Mr. Flapdoodle: We don't have to fit into a station. We aren't taking the train.
Mr. Codswallop: I am certain that a more formal meal will be a treat after days of fast food establishments.
Mr. Flapdoodle: And Cy had just started to stop complaining too.
Elizabeth: I must admit that I am enjoying this wonderful evening, sitting here beside Codswallop, who so graciously selected such a fine location.
Her Ladyship of Pyle Manor: Flapdoodle so brilliantly secured us a fine table as well.
Mr. Flapdoodle: You get what you pay for.
Uncle Cyrus: Do you mean to say that you bribed someone to provide this table?
Mr. Flapdoodle: I tipped Teddy at the bar.
Uncle Cyrus: They should simply have provided us the best table in the house because of social position.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Use any position you like, but money talks.
Mr. Codswallop: Flapdoodle merely employed an age old technique.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I borrowed the cash from Cy too.
Uncle Cedric: Regardless of how the table was secured, the meal was excellent.
Elizabeth: I am enjoying this fine wine.
Mr. Codswallop: Would you like another glass?
Elizabeth: I most certainly would sir. Thank you.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Want a refil Lady Manor?
Her Ladyship: I certainly would. You are such a gentleman.
Uncle Cyrus: I am feeling nauseous.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I told you not to eat anything with a funny name.
Uncle Cedric: Oh, Cyrus will be fine. His ego is being bruised.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I hope it didn't hurt.
Uncle Cyrus: Must you insist on being such a fool?
Mr. Flapdoodle: Have another belt Cy. You'll be less cranky.
Her Ladyship: Cyrus is certainly irritable this evening.
Uncle Cedric: He is happiest that way.
Mr. Codswallop: Perhaps we should get back on the road following the completion of the wine.
Uncle Cyrus: I want a brandy.
Mr. Codswallop: We need to catch Charles and Joseph.
Uncle Cyrus: A gentleman needs to enjoy the time allotted to him.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Give old Cy a brandy.It might quiet him down.
Elizabeth: If Codswallop believes we should continue our journey, perhaps we should listen to him.
Uncle Cyrus: Very well. Let us pay the cheque.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Thanks Cy. We appreciate that.
Uncle Cyrus: I did not say that I was paying for the meal.
Mr. Codswallop: I will take care of the financial arrangements. Everyone return to the car.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Let Cy pay. He was the one who hated the drive through.
Mr. Codswallop (when everyone was gone): Flapdoodle, Uncle Cyrus is paying for the meal. He gave me his charge card by mistake.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Now that's something I would have done. I'm proud of you.
Mr. Codswallop: Thank you.

Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel LXXII

2004-04-29T16:18:00.000-07:00

Mr. Codswallop: We have to hurry if we intend to catch Charles and Joseph.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Do they know where they're going? I don't.
Mr. Codswallop: They have the directions for finding the alien Annunaki weapons of mass destruction.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Is there a reason why they want to destroy a Mass?
Uncle Cedric: Thanks to Cyrus, they have not only the map to locate the weaponry, but they have some instructions on their deployment as well.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Is that bad?
Uncle Cedric: Is worse than anyone can possibly imagine.
Elizabeth Stuart: You have to remember too, that father has some very harsh views of humanity.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Yeah, that's a surprise.
Elizabeth: Father fully intends to destroy most of the world's population, and enslave the rest.
Mr. Codswallop: His plans are truly evil and heartless.
Elizabeth: He believes he is doing the right thing.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Killing everyone and turning the rest into slaves is the right thing? I'd hate to know what he thinks is wrong.
Elizabeth: He considers democracy and freedom to be wrong. He believes in the power and righteousness of the bloodlines and DNA. By his definition, and I once believed it too, is that the wealthy are superior beings and deserve to rule.
Mr. Codswallop: I suspect he has nothing good for the rest of us in his plans.
Elizabeth: Your job is to serve the elites. In this case, he is referring to the ruling thirteen families. As the thirteenth bloodline, the proposed marriage between myself and Codswallop would result in the heir to the entire planet.
Mr. Flapdoodle: How did he work that out?
Mr. Codswallop: I doubt that you want to know.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Probably not, but tell me anyway.
Uncle Cedric: Long ago, the alien race Annunaki landed on Earth, from their world Niburu, to mine for gold. They needed the gold to form the white powder gold that results in extremely long lives. The Annunaki did not like the work of mining, so they decided to create some slaves. They took primitive humanoids and added some of their own DNA. The result were people.
Elizabeth: Over time, the Annunaki developed some serious rivalries for power between themselves and with their human creations. They started with the desire of some Annunaki to mate with human females.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I can understand that part.
Uncle Cedric: The Annunaki felt that humanity was getting too powerful so Enlil, who wanted sole power, decided to destroy all of the people.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Sounds like Chuck and Joe would like him.
Uncle Cedric: His brother Enki, who helped to create humanity in the first place, wanted to spare some of the populace.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I can hear Chuck booing already.
Elizabeth: Enlil had his plan and Enki knew what was planned. When the Niburu system passed near the Earth on Niburu's 3600 year orbit, its gravitational pull would cause a disaster ending the Ice Age, and raining asteroids down on the planet surface.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I knew that I didn't want to know.
Uncle Cedric: Enki had helped a human to survive by letting him overhear his lament for the people. You know him as Noah.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I never met him, but I have a cousin Noah. People kept telling him to build boats for a living.
Uncle Cedric: That is only part of the story. There is much more.
Mr. Flapdoodle: That doesn't surprise me.

Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel LXXI

2004-04-28T21:10:00.000-07:00

Charles Stuart: We have so many splendid plans for the golden age of this world.
Joseph Stuart: We must maintain order, while ensuring that we and the other twelve elite families are kept in the ruling class.
Charles: That is as it ever was, and as it ever should be in the future.
Joseph: The thirteen ruling families have always selected the candidates for the farces that the masses consider so important.
Charles: Elections are a joke. We shall simply end the ruse and appoint proper governors who will maintain order by whatever means are necessary.
Joseph: Since all classes are hereditary because of the individual DNA, no one can dispute the law. It is fixed for all time. Everyone shall have their DNA recorded. They shall be microchipped for surveillance and no allowed to dress or travel or move beyond their designated locations.
Charles: You are brilliant, Joseph. We shall maintain fine institutions of higher learning where the better classes can develop their true genetic gifts.
Joseph: The rest will be assigned duties acording to their birth.
Charles: Marriage or intimate relations outside of one's class will be punishable by death. It is essential that law be obeyed to maintain the purity of the classes.
Joseph: The exceptions to that rule will be the ruling classes and those immediately below. They will have access to any females or males, for recreational activity, they so choose. There will be no option and the chosen member of the lower class will of course be sterilized upon selection to prevent undue hybridization of their inferior, non-Annunaki genetic makeup.
Charles: I would enjoy selecting some ladies for our pleasure.
Joseph: We would either maintain them as sterile concubines kept in strict confinement, or decree them put to death. Upon any breaches of their rules, the penalty of course, is death.
Charles: I believe that would be suitable. In fact, the death penalty for every infraction of the law is the only language the lesser breeds understand.
Joseph: Some more radical factions of the thirteen families have recommended the reduction of the global population from the current over six billion people to between half and one billion. They suggest massive disease epidemics perhaps spread by forced vaccinations of the sheeplike masses.
Charles: I would order that plan carried out immediatiately. I would call it the Rebirth of Earth.
Joseph: We would preselect the best of the limited minds of the masses ,to be spared, for their menial roles. Of course, the wealthy would be protected, as they deserve to be in a proper society. They will be permitted to bring along beautiful, but sterilized women for their pleasure, as well.
Charles: That is as it should be. The elites have earned that right by virtue of our superior genes. It is the law of nature.
Joseph: I believe that the elite will appreciate the law that enables them to take any female for pleasure at any time as well. Any offspring of the union, should there be any, would be immediately dispensed.
Charles: There can be no resulting children as that would be a crime against nature.
Joseph: The DNA is the sole arbiter of any dispute. The better the class of the party involved determines the winner. It is very simple. The inferiors have done nothing, to deserve even a fraction, of what few rights we will grant them.
Charles: Crime will be dealt with quickly and decisively by death, with no appeals.
Joseph: Since only the lesser breeds, who cannot escape because of their microchips commit crime, our world will be free of criminal activity.
Charles: I suggest we keep the masses drugged and amused at all times, for their own protection and their own good.
Joseph: The masses desire control. It is their true desire. They want and beg to be slaves to their betters. We shall give them that fondest dream.
Charles: This will indeed be a great society.

Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel LXX

2004-04-27T22:30:00.000-07:00

Mr. Codswallop: We were making such wonderful progress and now we have automobile problems.
Mr. Flapdoodle: We ran out of gas.
Mr. Codswallop: How could that be possible?
Mr. Flapdoodle: When we stopped at all of those gas stations, and I went in to buy snacks, did you gas up the car?
Mr. Codswallop: I added some gasoline on every occasion.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well, I guess we get to walk and get some gas from the nearest town.
Mr. Codswallop:I fail to understand why our gasoline supply failed us.
Mr. Flapdoodle: It's hard to say.
Mr. Codswallop: Do you think that someone has drained our fuel tank?
Mr. Flapdoodle: All I know is we are out of gas.
Uncle Cyrus: You fools. You have left us short of petrol.
Uncle Cedrc: There are worse problems than being low on petrol.
Uncle Cyrus: Yes, having no petrol at all.
Mr. Codswallop: We will rectify the situation as soon as possible.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Just go back to the car and take care of the ladies.

Left alone, the two men discuss the situation.

Mr. Codswallop: We are not out of gasoline are we?
Mr. Flapdoodle: Nope. We need some time to create a plan.
Mr. Codswallop: That is a sensible idea. We must make some arrangements.
Mr. Flapdoodle: We are only a few miles behind Chuck and Joe. They are not driving very fast.
Mr. Codswallop: We need to know what we will do upon encountering them.
Mr. Flapdoodle: We'll think of something.
Mr. Codswallop: I shall return to the automobile and open the hood.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I'll bang around in there, and you start the car.
Mr. Codswallop: We need to think of a course of action.
Mr. Flapdoodle: At least we have a bit of time. Chuck and Joe are slow.
Mr. Codswallop: They are very over confident in their position.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Get the car started and let's rock.

Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel LXIX

2004-04-26T22:53:00.000-07:00

Charles Stuart: It is so nice to dine and contemplate our glorious family future.
Joseph Stuart: I concur. When we take our rightful place, as the head of humanity, the world will be a much better place.
Charles: It certainly will be much improved. The removal of three quarters of those useless eaters from the globe will make the world far more civilized.
Joseph: How is your pheasant?
Charles: Delightful. Your quail is excellent, I trust?
Joseph: It is superb. This is a most wonderful establishment. Their preparation of game birds is unparalleled.
Charles: We must retain this chef for our household. Mark him down to be spared.
Joseph: Of course, we will expect diligence and deferrence on his part.
Charles: I believe we should order that the classes be restricted in their clothing options. Each class shall have a designated uniform.
Joseph: That would certainly prevent the bounders from attempting to rise above their hereditary station.
Charles: As you know, a person's class is part and parcel with their DNA. They have no choice in the matter. They are born to be our inferiors, and we their rulers.
Joseph: We shall have as few members of the riff raff as possible. There should only be enough of them to perform the most menial tasks, and no more.
Charles: We will not have to worry about them demanding raises in their pay, as they will not be permitted to move to other places of employment.
Joseph: As in the past glory days of the world, one is born into their place in society. Movement is not permitted.
Charles: How could it be possible to rise, when their very genetic makeup decrees their very inferiority.
Joseph: Well, that was a most excellent repast. The conversation about maintaining proper social classes was heartening.
Charles: We shall have very strict laws regarding the classes. Any breaches of that law, which are part of the Annunaki created genetic code, will be punishable by death.
Joseph: That is as it should be in a proper society. There is no greater crime against nature than to attempt to portray someone in a better class.
Charles: Such behaviour is unforgivable. The death sentence should be swift. Appeals are a waste of time. Their DNA is their destiny.
Joseph: Our society will usher in a new golden age.

Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel LXVIII

2004-04-25T17:52:00.000-07:00

Mr. Codswallop: Is everyone sufficiently fed following our latest meal?
Mr. Flapdoodle: Sure are. Two of those big burgers really hit the spot.
Uncle Cyrus: This has been our fourth consecutive dreadful repast. The ladies' palates must be in agony.
Her Ladyship of Pyle Manor: I am very happy to eat alongside Flapdoodle. We are doing very well here thank you.
Elizabeth Stuart: Codswallop selects appropriate items from the admittedly limited menu. We will be just fine under the circumstances.
Uncle Cedric: Did I ever tell you about the time I ate a lizard every day for a week, while I was on the quest for the secrets of the Annunaki?
Umcle Cyrus: I would prefer not to hear such morbid tales, especially following something called "superseizured".
Mr. Flapdoodle: I have just the thing. Hold out your soft drink cups for a little splash of something a bit livelier.
Mr. Codswalap: You are not having open alcoholic beverages in this automobile.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Here you go ladies. Cedric. How about you Cy?
Mr. Codswallop: We could face arrest and incarceration.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Is that what they call drinking in the car over here?
Mr. Codswallop: We must not be stopped by the local constabulary for any foolish reason.
Mr. Flapdoodle: It's okay. It's almost gone anyway.
Uncle Cyrus: What sort of concoction have you acquired, Flapdoodle?
Mr. Flapdoodle: Here ya go, Cy. Cheers. Maybe it'll keep you off my foot.
Her Ladyship: It is good of Flapdoodle to attempt to keep up morale.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I never worry much about morals, but I will keep pouring the spirits.
Mr. Codswallop: It is fine provided your spirits are not the end of us.
Uncle Cedric: Charles and Joseph have a much more horrible end in store for everyone, including us.
Elizabeth: Father has lost all sense of proportion, as he attempts to control the entire planet, by means of these hideous alien weapons.
Mr. Codswallop: We will stop him. We simply must maintain our focus.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Cy is already losing his focus, from the extra heavy splashes, he has in his drink.
Uncle Cyrus: Keep them coming my boy.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Splish splash.
Uncle Cedric: And for me as well. Cheers.
Mr. Flapdoodle: And I won't forget the ladies.
Her Ladyship and Elizabeth: Thank you, Flapdoodle.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Good thing that liquor store was well stocked.

Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel LXVII

2004-04-24T17:58:00.000-07:00

Mr. Codswallop: How is everyone enjoying the journey?
Uncle Cyrus: I am suffering from the pangs of hunger.
Mr. Flapdoodle: That'll teach you to snack between meals.
Uncle Cyrus: We need to stop and enjoy some repast.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Past where?
Uncle Cyrus: Perhaps there is a suitable hostelry somewhere along our route.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I'm sure we'll see a drive through somewhere.
Uncle Cyrus: You certainly do not mean to imply that we should be inflicted with some fast food abomination.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I've never had an abomination. Is that a burger?
Uncle Cyrus: The ladies have very delicate palates. They cannot be forced to eat the food offered to the masses.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well, I don't know what you eat at Mass, but we can get some burgers, fries, and rings at the next town.
Uncle Cyrus: Have you no concern whatsoever about the ladies' diets.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I don't think either lady requires a diet.
Mr. Codswallop: Will you two attempt to stop bickering for at least a moment.
Uncle Cedric: As you are probably aware, Cyrus enjoys a spirited argument.
Mr. Flapdoodle: He argues drunk or sober.
Her Ladyship of Pyle Manor: Whatever Flapdoodle decides to eat is fine with me.
Elizabeth Stuart: I will dine wherever Codswallop finds suitable.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I see a fast food sign! Looks just like back home. I hope they have a drive through window.
Uncle Cyrus: Your rather plebian dietary tastes should not be inflicted upon your betters.
Mr. Codswallop: We have no time to discuss the matter. We shall order our food for a take away.
Uncle Cyrus: Who do you expect to pay good money for this tripe.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I don't think that's on the menu here, but I can check.
Uncle Cyrus: I refuse to dine here.
Mr. Codswallop: Come along Flapdoodle. We shall acquire the sustenance.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Cy doesn't want anything.
Mr. Codswallop: Very well, then he shall go without food.
Uncle Cyrus: I'll have whatever is deemed acceptable to the ladies.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I knew he'd change his mind.

Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel LXVI

2004-04-23T15:16:00.000-07:00

Mr. Codswallop: Are all of the passengers inside the vehicle?
Mr. Flapdoodle: Cy is standing on my foot.
Uncle Cyrus: I am not anywhere near your disgustingly shod foot.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Then move your foot anyway. It can't hurt you.
Uncle Cyrus: Alright then, if you insist on this pathetic charade.
Mr. Flapdoodle: You want to play charades? There isn't much room in here.
Her Ladyship of Pyle Manor: I would sit between Flapdoodle and Cyrus, but Cyrus insists on touching me.
Mr. Flapdoodle: How are things up front?
Elizabeth: I am settled in neatly between Cedric and Codswallop.
Mr. Codswallop: Then we are off.
Mr. Flapdoodle: If only Cy would get off my foot.
Mr. Codswallop: I thought Uncle Cyrus had already moved his foot.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Yup, he did. To the other foot.
Her Ladyship: Cyrus is rather a clumsy oaf, is he not?
Uncle Cyrus: You would have done well to have been my bride, young lady.
Her Ladyship: Torture on the rack would have been preferable.
Mr. Codswallop: Now, now. We must attempt to get along. Charles and Joseph are the problem. We must not fight among ourselves.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Cy's foot is awfully heavy.
Uncle Cedric: We know that Charles and Joseph are heading directly to the alien weapons of mass destruction.
Mr. Codswallop: They know the location as a result of Uncle Cyrus's foolishness.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Too bad Cy didn't rest his foot on Chuck.
Elizabeth: Father will use those horrible weapons too. He is desperate and that makes him dangerous to everyone on Earth.
Uncle Cedric: As many of you are aware, the real reason for the Gulf Wars was to locate the Annunaki weapons of mass destruction. Oil was only a secondary, yet still important consideration.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Maybe they could oil Cy's foot and remove it from mine. It's a weapon of mass destruction all by itself.
Uncle Cyrus: Would you quit your incessant whining.
Her Ladyship: Perhaps, you could be less stubborn, Cyrus. And move your offending foot.
Uncle Cyrus: You always take his part against me. All of you are against me.
Her Ladyship: Is there really any wonder?
Uncle Cyrus: I would have been rich and powerful.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Now you are just like the rest of us. The only difference is the rest of us can place our feet better than you can.
Mr. Codswallop: We are off. This car has demonstrably more power than the last one I drove.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I told you. Stay away from those Britmobiles.
Mr. Codswallop: This is a rather vulgar North American vehicle.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Get some tunes on the radio and let's rock!

Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel LXV

2004-04-22T22:30:00.000-07:00

Mr. Codswallop: Come along everyone. We must go after Charles and Joseph.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I'll get a car going.
Mr. Codswallop: I trust you will find one with its tires fully inflated.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I'm sure I can. I flattened all the British ones. Not that any of them run anyway.
Mr. Codswallop: I believe that is a rather blanket indictment of good British engineering.
Mr. Codswallop: That's the in and out of it alright.
Uncle Cyrus: What difference does it make anyway. Charles and Joseph have too great a head start. It is hopeless to attempt to overtake them now.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I'm glad I'm going to get a car. I won't have to listen to him moan.
Uncle Cedric: Come along Cyrus. We will catch them.
Her Ladyship of Pyle Manor: Yes, Cyrus. You were almost a man once.
Elizabeth: Father will head directly for the weaponry. He will most assuredly attempt to use it on the world.
Mr. Codswallop: Uncle Cedric, you will have to point out the way.
Uncle Cedric: I can do that, but you have to take care of Cyrus.
Her Ladyship: As long I as I do not get that task.
Elizabeth: We are needed to defeat father's plans.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I have a North American car ready to go. It's running outside.
Uncle Cyrus: Surely there will be no petrol.
Mr. Flapdoodle: If you mean gas, I got some from some other cars.
Mr. Codswallop: Did you resort to theft?
Mr. Flapdoodle: I siphoned it from Joe's car. He went with Chuck. I guess they got their tires changed.
Uncle Cyrus: How do you expect us to travel with a common criminal such as Flapdoodle.
Uncle Cedric: A few litres of petrol is nothing compared to the destructive power of the alien Annunaki weaponry. Charles is greedily stealing life from humanity.
Uncle Cyrus: Then it is all over. Let me pass to my reward in peace.
Mr. Codswallop: You shall not be let off the proverbial hook that easily. You are coming with us.
Elizabeth: You take command beautifully, Codswallop.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Car's gassed up. Let's put the pedal to the metal.
Uncle Cyrus: Must he speak in those dreadful colloquialisms?
Mr. Flapdoodle: There is nothing wrong with my clothes.
Mr. Codswallop: He is referring to your rather casual usage of the Queen's English.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Even I know the Queen is English.
Uncle Cyrus: We are doomed for sure.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Let's play Charlie some rock and roll.

Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel LXIV

2004-04-21T21:31:00.000-07:00

Uncle Cyrus: We are beaten. Charles and Joseph will locate the alien Annunaki weapons of mass destruction and it will be over for us all.
Mr. Flapdoodle: A hangover sure puts Cy in a bad mood.
Mr. Codswallop: He is always a pessimistic man.
Uncle Cedric: That's true. Even as a child he was all doom and gloom.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Your house must have been a really fun place.
Mr. Codswallop: It was never that bad.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Or that good either.
Uncle Cyrus: All is lost. We had best prepare for our impending demise.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Even when he's about to die, he uses big words.
Uncle Cedric: Cyrus will retain his version of dignity to the end.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I'd rather do something to try to stop it.
Mr. Codswallop: I agree entirely. We must act to stop Charles and Joseph.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Better a plan than whine like Cy.
Elizabeth: Father will attempt a direct seizure of the weaponry.
Mr. Flapdoodle: He doesn't sound very imaginative.
Mr. Codswallop: Charles has a single goal in mind.
Elizabeth: You are correct, my love. He will not deviate from his planned course of action.
Mr. Codswallop: We are not being married.
Mr. Flapdoodle: We still have the Rev. I could throw some cold water on him and wake him up. He's been passed out for awhile now.
Mr. Codswallop: I doubt that we will require such drastic measures. We have more important matters at hand.
Her Ladyship of Pyle Manor: Since Charles had plans of marrying me to Joseph, I have a stake in the outcome as well.
Uncle Cyrus: Even Her Ladyship has abandoned me.
Her Ladyship: I was to keep an eye on Cyrus. I had no choice. I had to repay my father's debt to Charles. Had I not done so, Charles would have seized Pyle Manor.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I'm surprised he didn't steal it anyway.
Her Ladyship: You are so brave to help us, Flapdoodle.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I just go with the flow.
Mr. Codswallop: We must act quickly or the game will already be lost.
Mr. Flapdoodle: We are playing games now? I thought we were chasing Chuck.
Mr. Codswallop: It was a figure of speech.
Mr. Flapdoodle: That figures.

Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel LXIII

2004-04-20T19:00:00.000-07:00

Charles Stuart: Have they not got those tires replaced as of yet?
Joseph Stuart: No, despite my offering them a bonus for a radid replacement.
Charles: Once again, it is proven that the entire human race is worthless and not deserving of life.
Joseph: That would appear to be the case.
Charles: I will so enjoy anhiliating all of them once and for all.
Joseph: Those who lack the true bloodline truly are the lowest form of vermin.
Charles: All one needs to do is look at that ridiculous Flapdoodle to realize that humanity is an entirely hopeless cause.
Joseph: I shall go and attempt to get these pathetic tradesmen to hurry in their pathetic efforts.
Charles: There is one certainty in life. Tradesmen have no value to anyone. I have a plan in store for him as well.
Joseph: Come here, you disgusting piece of rubbish.
Charles: Note how the cur answered when you called.
Tow truck driver: Your tires are almost replaced, sir.
Joseph: You are so pitifully slow, that it is beyond belief of any sane man how you could possibly even remain alive.
Tow truck driver: I have to replace all four of your tires. It has not been that long.
Joseph: Your mealy mouthed excuses will only get your bill left unpaid.
Tow truck driver: If you would let me get back to work, I could get the job completed, and you can be on your way.
Joseph: I assured you that a bonus would be coming your way for an expeditious completion.
Tow truck driver: Your job will be finished as agreed.
Charles: Be quick about it you stupid dog. Have you not got the brains of a goose?
Tow truck driver: Your insults will not make the work go any faster.
Charles: That is all. You are dismissed. Get out of my sight.
Tow truck driver: But you have three new tires on the car and one more to go.
Charles: Ah, here you are Constable. Have this man arrested for theft.
Tow truck driver: Theft? Of what?
Charles: While fixing my tire, this man has stolen valuables from the automobile.
Constable: Is that true, sir?
Tow truck driver: I have no idea what this man is talking about.
Charles: He denies it like the pathetic thieving cur that he is. Arrest him.
Constable: Come along then, let us go down to the station and talk.
Tow truck driver: But I have not taken anything and these men owe me for tires.
Charles: Listen to his lies. They get worse by the moment.
Constable: Come along then. Off we go.
Charles (when Tow truck driver and Constable are gone): Notice how stupid and gullible these fools are.
Joseph: I have the fourth tire installed. We are all prepared to go and retrieve the weaponry.
Charles: Our moment of glory is at hand.
Joseph: There do not appear to be any obstacles in our way.
Charles: I shall rule the world and destroy most of the pathetic people that live on it.
Joseph: We have no time to lose.

Catching the spirits

2004-04-19T14:56:00.000-07:00

Mr. Codswallop: Once again Darren Rowse at Blogger Idol is looking forward to our input.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Our input into what? The last time someone asked for input, they handed me a shovel, and wanted me to dig.
Mr. Codswallop: He wants our opinions and experiences with spirituality.
Mr. Flapdoodle: It's about time he asked about spirits. I have lots of experience there.
Mr. Codswallop: I believe he is referring to spirituality of a more religious nature.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Oh, no problem. During one of the Reverend Bicklighter's services, a few belts of spirits sure helps.
Mr. Codswallop: You appear to be confusing spirits with spirituality. They are not the same thing.
Mr. Flapdoodle: That's what those tax collector guys told Mr. McGillicutty when they raided his still. They said his spirits were not the same thing either.
Mr. Codswallop: The topic is not about your consumption of alcoholic beverages, but your religious experiences.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well, if you put it that way. I was in church once when the Rev was really going on about fire and brimstone.
Mr. Codswallop: Did you have a spiritual awakening?
Mr. Flapdoodle: He ruined a really good sleep that time too.
Mr. Codswallop: You attended a lot of Sunday School as a boy, did you not?
Mr. Flapdoodle: I sure did. Old Man Murphy used to sing some spirituals too.
Mr. Codswallop: Now we appear to be on the right track.
Mr. Flapdoodle: He'd get loaded up with spirits from Mr. McGillicutty and he'd start to sing at the top of his lungs.
Mr. Codswallop: He did that in church?
Mr. Flapdoodle: He sure did. He was drunk as a lord and singing away at what he called his spituals.
Mr. Codswallop: Which songs of praise were his choices.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well, none of them were really for mixed company, so to speak, but the Rev never booted him out of church.
Mr. Codswallop: Why would he tolerate such outbursts?
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well, when the steeple was torn off the church by the local boys one Hallowe'en, Old Man Murphy gave the church a new one.
Mr. Codswallop: Well, that was certainly a wonderful gesture on his part.
Mr. Flapdoodle: The only condition was he could sing his spituals every Sunday.
Mr. Codswallop: That sounded like a modest request, but appeared to turn out quite differently.
Mr. Flapdoodle: It sure did. But the Rev wanted his church to look nice and he made the deal.
Mr. Codswallop: Perhaps the outbursts are a small price to pay for the good of the congregation.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well, they are sure a great advertisement for the power of Mr. McGillicutty's spirits.

Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel LXII

2004-04-18T14:25:00.000-07:00

Mr. Flapdoodle: I can't believe it. Chuck and Joe sent all the way to town to get someone to change their tires.
Elizabeth Stuart: My father would never dirty his hands by changing a tire.
Mr. Codswallop: Flapdoodle, your idea of flattening their tires was brilliant.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I threw away the valve stems too.
Her Ladyship of Pyle Manor: They will be even more angry after this turn of events.
Mr. Flapdoodle: When are they not mad?
Mr. Codswallop: That is true. I have never seen Charles smile.
Elizabeth: My father believes smiling is for losers and idiots. A smile should be reserved only for times of victory and triumph.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Yup, he never smiles.
Her Ladyship: Now that was funny.
Uncle Cyrus: We must act quickly. If they get their hands upon those alien weapons of mass destruction, they can control the entire world.
Uncle Cedric: Do they have the location of the weapons?
Uncle Cyrus: I believe that they are aware of where to find them.
Uncle Cedric: And how did that unfortunate event occur?
Uncle Cyrus: I sold them the information.
Mr. Codswallop: How could you do such a terrible thing?
Uncle Cyrus: I believed I was doing what is best for humanity and for our family.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Yup. Blowing up the world is great news.
Elizabeth: In defence of Cyrus, he believed father's lies about using the weaponry to prevent wars and to maintain the peace.
Her Ladyship: You actually believed that story?
Uncle Cyrus: I knew it was too good to be true, but I wanted to believe.
Mr. Codswallop: Incidently, where are the ill gotten gains from this adventure?
Uncle Cyrus: Charles failed to pay as agreed, but promised to pay double once the marriage took place.
Elizabeth: That is one of father's oldest tricks. He keeps offering double and double and never pays.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Double of nothing is still nothing.
Uncle Cedric: Have any of you got any idea how powerful those alien Annunaki weapons of mass destruction are, in the improper hands?
Mr. Codswallop: I have the feeling that you are going to tell us.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Tell us they are like Mr. McGillicutty's car and never worked.
Uncle Cedric: Unfortunately, that is not the case.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Why does that not surprise me.
Uncle Cyrus: What have I done?
Mr. Flapdoodle: Nothing good.

Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel LXI

2004-04-17T17:36:00.000-07:00

Charles Stuart: We will not have to concern ourselves with our plans being foiled. We will still rule all of humanity, with or without that nincompoop Codswallop.
Joseph Stuart: We will carry on with the seizure of the global strings of power.
Charles: Yes, the ruling elite will gladly support us, as we are the best means to their ends.
Joseph: And to ours as well.
Charles: We have all of the ruling family dynasties on our side, by virtue of the Annunaki bloodline ties.
Joseph: We can also call upon the members of the many secret societies as well. They are all such dupes anyway.
Charles: We probably will not require their assistance. After all, we are only facing a rag tag band of imbeciles.
Joseph: They certainly cannot compete with our superior genetics and levels of intellectual attainment.
Charles: We only have my daughter Elizabeth to concern us in any way.
Jospeh: She will have no option but to join us once we triumph over those fools. It is in her best interests to do so.
Charles: I am concerned that she is developing an infatuation with that ridiculous Codswallop. The plan was to have an heir by him, and then to dispose of him.
Joseph: It is entirely too bad that we lack a sperm donation from him. I would very much enjoy arranging an accident for him.
Charles: That pair of Cyrus and Cedric Codswallop have double crossed us. They too shall meet an unfortunate and painful end.
Joseph: Her Ladyship was to be my prize as a bride. That appears to have gone by the wayside as well. She seems to be foolishly interested in tha Flapdoodle person.
Charles: No lady of any intelligence could possibly see anything in that fool. He has no redeeming qualities whatsoever.
Joseph: Let us go into the city and contact some of our secret society friends. We can use them and discard them when the time comes as well.
Charles: We shall rule all.
Joseph: This car is not going anywhere.
Charles: What is the matter?
Joseph (returning from an inspection): Someone has let the air out of our tires.
Charles: Codswallop and Flapdoodle's feigning of trips to the lavatory!
Joseph: Believe me, they shall pay dearly for this childish prank.

Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel LX

2004-04-16T20:12:00.000-07:00

Mr. Codswallop: We must formulate a plan of action.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I'll drink to that. How about you Rev?
Reverend: Let us sing together....hymn number...
Elizabeth: I believe that the good Reverend is unavailable at the moment.
Her Ladyship of Pyle Manor: I doubt if he ever was part of this reality.
Elizabeth: He was nice though.
Mr. Flapdoodle: He enjoyed a good drink.
Mr. Codswallop: You speak of the man as if he had passed on.
Mr. Flapdoodle: He sure never passed on a drink offer.
Mr. Codswallop: We must return to the business at hand.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I'll say. We still have a few drinks left to finish.
Mr. Codswallop: I meant that we need to create an action plan.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I plan to finish my drink.
Elizabeth: Codswallop, you must take charge here.
Mr. Codswallop: We need to examine the situation very carefully.
Mr. Flapdoodle: We are down to our final drinks.
Her Ladyship: Flapdoodle, you must have some strategic ideas of your own?
Mr. Flapdoodle: We have to get away from here. Once we finish our drinks of course.
Her Ladyship: I know I can depend on you, Flapdoodle.
Uncle Cyrus: I am in charge here. Your Ladyship, I command you to stop flirting with that...that...fool.
Her Ladyship: I shall flirt with whomever I choose.
Uncle Cyrus: I am the right man for you. That idiot can barely even put a sentence together.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Who is getting sentenced now?
Uncle Cyrus: You can plainly see that he has no value to humanity.
Her Ladyship: Humanity may in fact depend on him.
Elizabeth: It will also depend on Codswallop.
Her Ladyship: They appear to be a team and Elizabeth and I have complete confidence in them.
Elizabeth: We once doubted them as well. In fact, we were on the opposite side from them.
Her Ladyship: They are the hope for the human race's freedom.
Uncle Cyrus: Then I pity humanity.

Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel LIX

2004-04-15T19:30:00.000-07:00

Mr. Codswallop: Now that the wedding has been cancelled once again, it is time to formulate a plan.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Are you planning another wedding to cancel?
Mr. Codswallop: We must have some idea in place to thwart Charles and Joseph from unfolding their diabolical scheme.
Mr. Flapdoodle: And we have to stop them too.
Uncle Cyrus: I fully expect to be compensated for my contributions, as agreed.
Mr. Flapdoodle: As if that's ever going to happen.
Uncle Cyrus: How dare you speak to me in such and insolent manner.
Mr. Flapdoodle: You sure don't like anyone else to talk, do you?
Her Ladyship of Pyle Manor: Flapdoodle is correct. Charles only intends to use you, Cyrus. He will then discard you when you have completed your end of the bargain.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Sounds like making a deal with old Mr. Merryweather. He sold Cousin Ezra a car one day and took it back the next. He said it was stolen.
Uncle Cyrus: Has anyone in the entire Flapdoodle clan got even a morsel of a brain?
Mr. Flapdoodle: About the same amount as you, Cy. You fell for the same old trick.
Uncle Cyrus: You will pay for that remark.
Mr. Flapdoodle: You don't want me to speak, but I can if I pay you?
Elizabeth: I do not want to be a part of my father's plans any longer.
Her Ladyship: You have made the right choice Elizabeth.
Mr. Codswallop: We are all on the same side, then. Of course, Uncle Cyrus is a reluctant supporter.
Uncle Cedric: You can depend on my support, however.
Mr. Codswallop: We never doubted you for a moment.
Uncle Cyrus: How did I turn into the villain of this piece?
Mr. Flapdoodle: Piece of what?
Uncle Cyrus: Never mind, you idiot. You would never understand the complexity of moden geopolitical machinations on any level.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I figured out Mr. McGillicutty's still. You should see how many pipes and copper tubes that thing has.
Uncle Cyrus: I could use a little pick me up, following all of this excitement.
Mr. Codswallop: Here is just what the doctor ordered.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I have him well trained, you know.
Uncle Cyrus: Heaven help us.

Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel LVIII

2004-04-14T21:07:00.000-07:00

Mr. Codswallop: Where are Charles Stuart and Joseph located at the present moment?
Mr. Flapdoodle: Either planning the end of the world, or meeting local ladies.
Mr. Codswallop: I would bet on the end of the world option.
Mr. Flapdoodle: They certainly don't seem the romantic types.
Her Ladyship of Pyle Manor: Come Flapdoodle, let us take a stroll in the moonlight.
Elizabeth: That sounds like a wonderful idea. Will you join me Codswallop?
Uncle Cyrus: Your Ladyship, I was under the belief that you were being escorted by me.
Her Ladyship: You obviously need to change your beliefs.
Mr. Flapdoodle: That is easy to do, since we are in a church.
Uncle Cyrus: Your Ladyship, I had plans for our future together.
Her Ladyship: It would appear that you shall have to change them, I should think.
Uncle Cyrus: Has that ridiculous Flapdoodle turned your head? How could you choose that illiterate ruffian over me?
Mr. Flapdoodle: I used to be able to read.
Uncle Cedric: Now settle down Cyrus. All is fair in love and war. It is fair in almost anything else, if you ask Charles.
Uncle Cyrus: Has everyone turned on me now?
Mr. Codswallop: Charles never had your best intentions at heart. His only concern was for himself.
Uncle Cyrus: And what of Joseph? I believed him to be my friend as well.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Looks like you've got a lot of beliefs to change.
Uncle Cyrus: Perhaps Charles had intended to cheat me all along.
Mr. Flapdoodle: You think?
Mr. Codswallop: Charles is clearly in league with Joseph. They are only concerned with their own grab for power.
Uncle Cyrus: They had plans for us within their New World Order.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I guess they cancelled your order. Reminds me of how Cousin Ira ran that pizza joint back home. He cancelled orders all the time. Too lazy to fill them.
Uncle Cyrus: No one cares about that lowbrow family that you possess.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Maybe not, but they seem to have been there, done that, with almost everything.
Uncle Cedric: Perhaps there is a way to turn the tables on Charles and Joseph, if Miss Elizabeth has no objections, of course.
Elizabeth: I want to marry for love and not as a chattel in some game.
Uncle Cedric: But you do require the powdered white gold formula to maintain your youth.
Ellzabeth: Perhaps some things are more important that outward appearance.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Like that car Cousin Ezra won in a poker game. It didn't look like much but it had a racing engine in her.
Uncle Cyrus: Do you really believe that anyone would have a single shred of concern about the status of your Cousin Izzy's automobile?
Mr. Flapdoodle: Ezra, not Izzy. And he won a lot of races with that car.
Uncle Cyrus: Only barbarians would waste their time watching grown men test the speed of their automobiles.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Works for me.

Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel LVII

2004-04-13T21:39:00.000-07:00

Charles Stuart: We have left those drunken fools inside the chapel. Unfortunately they have brainwashed my daughter into joining them.
Joseph: They are a disgrace to humanity.
Charles: We must devise a strategy to defeat them once and for all.
Joseph: We certainly cannot count on that blowhard Cyrus Codswallop.
Charles: You must have been driven nearly mad to have to put up with him for so many years.
Joseph: I knew that I was going my duty toward the glorious future for our Stuart family bloodline.
Charles: Yes, my brother. Only you and I know that we are siblings. Even Elizabeth is unaware that you are her uncle.
Jospeh: We have taken the long term view. Most of the planet's useless eaters consider contemplation of the weekend to come as long range planning.
Charles: The world will be better off when we succeed in exterminating at least three quarters of those vermin now living.
Joseph: A world population of approximately five hundred million is often discussed among the other Annunaki descended families.
Charles: They are truly ambitious in their improvement targets. I admire that in a family.
Joseph: With the alien Annunaki weapons of mass destruction in our possession, coupled with some top secret plagues to loose on the worthless masses, we will achieve an even greater thinning of the herd.
Charles: You have the correct goals in mind. We must wipe out the entire populations of Africa, Asia and Latin America as a beginning.
Joseph: For Europe and North America, we can do it by race and income class. That should be very easy to accomplish.
Charles: Yes, the poor are very stupid. They deserve to die.
Joseph: When we rule the planet, there will be a small population of at least marginally acceptable humans.
Charles: Even they are little better than cattle, as they do not possess our Annunaki genetic superiority.
Joseph: I am looking forward to a globally destructive war, and pestilence, and famine.
Charles: It would indeed be a thing of beauty.
Joseph: We must not forget the present business, however.
Charles: Yes, we must get Elizabeth to bear an heir from the seed of that revolting Codswallop.
Joseph: We have much work to do, and very little time in which to accomplish it.

Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel LVI

2004-04-12T21:33:00.000-07:00

Charles Stuart: Where has that infernal minister gone?
Mr. Codswallop: Does anyone really care at this point?
Charles: You had best mind your manners young man.
Mr. Codswallop: You need my genetics more than I need your overinflated ego.
Mr. Flapdoodle: The Rev is over there. He looks like he is enjoying the party.
Charles: Reverend, are you ready to perform the ceremony?
Reverend: Dearly beloved...we are....ashes to ashes and dust to dust...and may God have mercy upon your soul.
Mr. Flapdoodle: That about sums it up.
Charles: Yet another delay in the plans. This is becoming intolerable.
Uncle Cyrus: Think of it this way Charles. Another day provides more time for the solidification of your plans.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Does he have bowel trouble too? I would suggest a strong laxative.
Mr. Codswallop: While I am not concerned about Charles' digestive problems, I would not be shocked to discover that he had some difficulties in that regard.
Charles: How dare you speak of me in such a crude and vulgar manner.
Mr. Flapdoodle: You need a drink Chuck. Wanna belt?
Charles: I will be outside. Come on Elizabeth. We are not being treated with the respect due our station.
Mr. Flapdoodle: You are due at the station?
Charles: Have you not got a brain in your head, Flapdoodle?
Mr. Flapdoodle: I never bothered to cut into my head and look. Did you?
Elizabeth: I shall stay here with my fiance.
Mr. Codswallop: There is no need to stay on my account.
Her Ladyship of Pyle Manor: Elizabeth is a grown woman. Let her make her own choices for her future.
Charles: Her choices have already been decided for her. It is entirely out of her hands.
Elizabeth: I still prefer to stay here. The wedding can take place at a more convenient time.
Her Ladyship: You are holding up very well, Elizabeth.
Elizabeth: There is no need for scenes.
Mr. Codswallop: That is rather noble of you, I must say.
Elizabeth: Why thank you, sir.
Mr. Codswallop: You are very welcome.
Charles: Let me out of here before I am ill.
Mr. Flapdoodle: It seems Chuck can't hold his liquor either.

Blog tipping made easy

2004-04-11T23:03:00.000-07:00

Mr. Codswallop: Once again that kangaroo loving individual, Darren Rowse at Blogger Idol, is asking our assistance in tips.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Is kangaroo tipping their national sport or something?
Mr. Codswallop: I believe he is asking for tips for bloggers.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I'd tip, except that I am broke at the moment.
Mr. Codswallop: He is referring to advice, not gratuities.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Then why didn't you say so?
Mr. Codswallop: We are expected to provide advice to bloggers about how to improve and perhaps even promote their blogs.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well, in all my porn discussion boards, I leave a link back to the blog. You'd be surprised who shows up.
Mr. Codswallop: Did you have to mention your disgusting tastes in internet websites? Would it not have been sufficient to merely discuss the value of forum posting?
Mr. Flapdoodle: I wanted people to know I get some hot ladies visiting my blog.
Mr. Codswallop: Perhaps you should suggest enrolling blogs into the various free blog directories.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Yup, they bring in some hot ladies too.
Mr. Codswallop: Leaving comments on other blogs and contributing to the discussions held there often brings visitors to your blog.
Mr. Flapdoodle: It sure does. When I started leaving comments at Fifi's House of Kink blog, I got lots of sexy ladies dropping by.
Mr. Codswallop: Writing articles for websites and writing guest posts for other blogs often results in increased blog traffic as well.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I'll say it does. When I wrote that column on the Swinging Singles Etc. blog about meeting ladies in the supermarket frozen foods section, I got...
Mr. Codswallop: ...many hot ladies visiting your blog.
Mr. Flapdoodle: No, in that case it was desperate and dateless guys begging for more ways to meet hot women.
Mr. Codswallop: Do you have any advice that does not involve your more amourous pursuits?
Mr. Flapdoodle: I offer to swap links with other blogs.
Mr. Codswallop: There, that was not so difficult. You offer a very good suggestion.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Yup, at those swinger blogs, they are so used to swapping, that getting a link swap was easy.
Mr. Codswallop: Perhaps the average blogger can follow your concepts, but ignore your more perverted tendencies.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I wanted to get more hot sexy ladies to visit my blog. That's how to do it.
Mr. Codswallop: It frightens me to think that your recommendations might actually work.
Mr. Flapdoodle: They sure do. My e-mail and IMs are exploding with ladies contacting me. That's proof the ideas work. Always leave a link to your blog.
Mr. Codswallop: Even when you succeed, Flapdoodle, it feels like a failure to the human race.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I do good work.

Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel LV

2004-04-10T21:29:00.000-07:00

Charles Stuart: Is no one here even going to attempt a wedding ceremony?
Reverend: I believe that we shall have to reschedule the event for another day.
Mr. Codswallop: No need to hurry on my account. I am extremely flexible.
Mr. Flapdoodle: You tell that to all of the ladies, I'm sure.
Charles: Does anything even remotely approaching a sensible statement ever leave your mouth?
Mr. Flapdoodle: Not if I can help it.
Charles: I thought as much. You are an even greater fool than I had previously thought.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well, I'm not the one who has to pay for two, and going on three weddings.
Charles: One of my first acts, when I have achieved my rightful position of power, will be to have you executed.
Mr. Flapdoodle: And if I know you, it will take you way more than one try, too.
Elizabeth: Perhaps there is a compromise, where Codswallop and I would be able to wed with far less difficulty.
Mr. Codswallop: I seem to prefer difficulty. It prevents hasty acts.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Being hasty never stopped Chuck.
Her Ladyship of Pyle Manor: Flapdoodle, perhaps we could share another drink together.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Here's to you, Manor Lady.
Uncle Cyrus: Your Ladyship, why are you wasting your time with this lowbrow imbecile.
Her Ladyship: Well, he does have a number of charms.
Uncle Cyrus: I sincerely doubt that he has any good qualities at all.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I haven't sold any family members lately. Not like Chuck and Cy.
Uncle Cyrus: Charles was correct in one assessment. Flapdoodle must be eliminated for the good of humanity.
Mr. Flapdoodle: As if you were of benefit to anyone, yourself.
Mr. Codswallop: Uncle Cyrus simply is jealous of Her Ladyship's interest in you, Flapdoodle.
Uncle Cyrus: Silence.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Do you have a hearing problem too, Cy? Uncle Hiram had one ever since he fell off the roof of the Mason Temple.
Uncle Cyrus: How dare you compare me to one of your despicable relations.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Yep, Uncle Hiram was drunk and fell right off the roof. his hearing went right afterwards.
Uncle Cyrus: I can hear just fine, thank you.
Mr. Flapdoodle: That's what Uncle Hiram kept saying too, even though he always yelled when he talked.
Her Ladyship: That certainly sounds like Cyrus, alright.

Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel LIV

2004-04-09T22:14:00.000-07:00

Charles Stuart: What is all that commotion outside?
Mr. Flapdoodle: This is Scotland. Probably bagpipes.
Charles: Are you a complete dunderhead? Of course, that is not the skirl of the bagpipes.
Mr. Flapdoodle: They have curled bagpipes here?
Charles: Joseph, do see what is going on outside. This is getting more outrageous by the moment.
Joseph: Whomever it is, I will rid us of them and theur interference.
Charles: Oh no, he is entering the chapel.
Uncle Cedric: There you are my boy. I see you have already begun the wedding celebrations.
Mr. Codswallop: No one is married as of yet.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Hey Cedric. Wanna drink? It's almost good quality.
Uncle Cyrus: What brings you to this occasion, Cedric? I thought youhad work to complete.
Uncle Cedric: Ah, there is nothing to concern yourself about, Cyrus.
Charles: You had better have that powdered white gold formula in your possession.
Uncle Cedric: My my, Charles: We certainly are pushy are we not?
Mr. Flapdoodle: Chuck is always like that. Ignore him. Especially when he demand silence every two minutes.
Charles: Flapdoodle, I am warning you to watch your tongue, or there will be a steep price to pay.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Someone wants to sell my tongue?
Uncle Cedric: Charles, you worry far too much to be healthy.
Uncle Cyrus: We had an agreement that Charles appears committed to reneging upon at the earliest possible convenience.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Chuck's word isn't worth the paper it's written on.
Elizabeth: That is my father of whom you speak.
Her Ladyship of Pyle Manor: Of course, Flapdoodle's analysis of your father's character is highly accurate.
Elizabeth: That is simply father's way of negotiation.
Uncle Cyrus: Negotiation or lying. I am still trying to decide which is the case.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I vote he's lying.
Mr. Codswallop: I would exercise my franchise in the same manner as Flapdoodle.
Uncle Cyrus: Well, Charles. It appears that very few people here, place much value in your word of honour as a gentleman.
Charles: You will all pay dearly for your treachery.
Mr. Flapdoodle: You are selling something again?
Mr. Codswallop: Perhaps he is opening a shop.
Charles: I demand the formula for powdered white gold and the alien Annunaki weapons of mass destruction. I demand their immediate delivery into my hands.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Are Chuck's hands really that big?
Her ladyship: His hands appear to be rather small, if you ask me.

Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel LIII

2004-04-08T22:17:00.000-07:00

Mr. Flapdoodle: It looks like the Rev is back. He is bringing goodies too.
Reverend: I have some clean glasses, for those who prefer to use them.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Drinking straight from the flask has been fine so far.
Mr. Codswallop: Perhaps the ladies would prefer the decorum of some glassware.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Pour for the ladies, Rev.
Charles Stuart: This entire occasion has degraded into a fiasco of the worst order.
Mr. Flapdoodle: What is your order, Chuck? Whisky? I got sorta good stuff.
Charles: I object to everything you offer Flapdoodle.
Mr. Flapdoodle: You don't have to be so picky. I was just offering.
Mr. Codswallop: Good manners appear to have been bred out of Charles long ago.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Or caned out of him at that swanky private school he keeps showing off.
Charles: I attended public school at Eton.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Hey, I went to public school too.
Charles: I am quite certain that no public school headmaster would ever allow your admittance.
Mr. Flapdoodle: They sure did. Old Sourpuss let us all in. He didn't like it, but every Flapdoodle was there. Until they were expelled or quit, of course.
Mr. Codswallop: There appears to be a bit of a misunderstanding between the British and the North America educational systems.
Charles: That is certainly true. No colonial education is even remotely comparable to that of a British public school.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I'm sure glad of that.
Her Ladyship of Pyle Manor: I attended a school for young ladies.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Did you wear one of those school uniforms?
Her Ladyship: I did indeed. Headmistress insisted upon stract adherence to the prescribed code of dress.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I hear ya. Old Sourpuss wouldn't let us wear baseball caps in class. He demanded that we wear shoes too.
Charles: How utterly delightful.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Hey Rev, Her Ladyship could use a refill of that sherry of yours.
Charles: I shall have all of the guilty parties arrested over this ridiculous charade.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Chuck wants to play charades. Let's choose partners. I'm no good at guessing but it's funny when you're drunk.
Joseph: Charles, all of the arrangements are made with the authorities.
Uncle Cyrus: What arrangements would those be?
Charles: I said there would be retribution. It shall occur with vigour.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I didn't know you needed to take those pills, Chuck. No wonder you are so grouchy.

Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel LII

2004-04-07T21:44:00.000-07:00

Charles Stuart: This entire event is disintegrating before our very eyes. You will pay for this.
Mr. Flapdoodle: No one told me there was a cover charge.
Mr. Codswallop: He is referring to some form of retribution.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Whatever he is talking about, he needs to lighten up.
Her Ladyship of Pyle Manor: Come on Charles. It is not every day that your daughter is married. Enjoy it just a wee bit.
Charles: Have you turned on me as well? You will rue the day that you dared to defy me.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Chuck, have you ever considered your blood pressure?
Mr. Codswallop: He only considers the bloodline.
Mr. Flapdoodle: He needs to chill out a bit. have a belt Chuck.
Elizabeth: Father, this is only a short lull in the proceedings. Things will continue as planned.
Charles: I see only grief with these ruffians. Joseph, come here.
Joseph: I see you are having some difficulties here, Charles.
Charles: I want these Codswallops and Flapdoodle shown their proper place in the grand scheme of the world.
Mr. Flapdoodle: You have a place for us? Where is it?
Uncle Cyrus: Have you discarded our agreement already, Charles?
Charles: Your family is worthless.
Mr. Codswallop: Then why did you want me as your son in law?
Uncle Cyrus: He wants to get his greedy clutches into Cedric's discovery of alien weapons of mass destruction.
Charles: Silence or you too will pay.
Uncle Cyrus: The weapons were buried in ancient Sumeria, now called Iraq, thousands of years ago.
Mr. Flapdoodle: They sound rusty. I once dug up an old tin can, that was supposed to have a few bucks in it, but it was all rusted out.
Uncle Cyrus: Of course, my nephew has the true dynastic bloodline, tracing back to the Annunaki themselves.
Charles: You have been well paid for what you are providing as per our agreement.
Uncle Cyrus: You have not paid me anything as of yet.
Elizabeth: Is that true, father? Have you not paid Cyrus and Cedric for their contributions?
Uncle Cyrus: Charles also wants the formula for powdered white gold. That formula was perfected by my brother Cyril.
Elizabeth: Father, we need that formula.
Charles: Silence! All of you are in league against me.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Is someone starting a league? Let's all drink to that! Then let's play. Whatever the game is.

Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel LI

2004-04-06T21:54:00.000-07:00

Charles Stuart: It is about time this ceremony got under way.
Mr. Codswallop: Speak for yourself.
Reverend: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today in the presence of God and of this company...
Mr. Flapdoodle: What company? Is this a business? The CIA?
Charles: Silence!
Mr. Flapdoodle: I was just asking.
Reverend: ...to wed this man and this woman in holy matimony.
Charles: So far so good.
Reverend: Let us begin by offering a prayer to the Almighty Father.
Charles: How about you keep the service moving at a more rapid pace. There should be more marrying and less praying.
Mr. Codswallop: I am all in favour of prayers. The longer the better, in my opinion.
Charles: No one has ever asked your opinion on any matter under discussion here.
Mr. Flapdoodle: That's not true. I remember asking Codswallop about his prayer the other day...
Charles: I certainly do not want to hear any of your feeble minded thoughts.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I have my flask here Chuck, Rev, wanna belt?
Charles: That is absolutely the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard.
Mr. Codswallop: No one offered me what Flapdoodle refers to as a belt.
Mr. Flapdoodle: You have your own flask in your jacket pocket. You don't need to ask for mine too.
Mr. Codswallop: That is right. I almost forgot about it entirely. Elizabeth, would you care to join me an a toast?
Mr. Flapdoodle: How about you Manor Lady? It's the almost good stuff.
Her Ladyship: I believe that might be a good idea. Pass me the beverage, Flapdoodle.
Elizabeth: You may as well give me your flask too Codswallop. This may prove to be a most entertaining afternoon.
Charles: This is the most outrageous thing I have ever witnessed. Elizabeth, you will not drink at this time.
Elizabeth: Well, father, I already have. Codswallop, that is very fine Scotch.
Mr. Codswallop: I selected it myself to act as a fortification against certain individuals.
Mr. Flapdoodle: He means Chuck, Cy, and Joe. Don't say anything.
Charles: How dare you speak of me as if I were not here.
Mr. Codswallop: As a matter of fact, why are you here? Should you not be seated in a pew?
Charles: I must ensure that this event takes place with all proper dignity.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I guess that idea is long gone. Sure you don't want a swallow?
Charles: I steadfastly refuse to drink any of your cheap grog.
Her Ladyship: It is not really bad quality at all.
Charles: No one asked your opinion. You are to be silent.
Mr. Flapdoodle: That is no way to speak to a lady, especially one who works hard piling manure from her livestock.
Charles: What are you talking about?
Mr. Flapdoodle: You should always speak to a lady with respect.
Charles: Reverend, are you going to begin the service and end this absolute foolishness?
Reverend: As a matter of fact, I do have some ceremonial sherry in my office. I shall only be a moment. Perhaps I could return with some glasses?
Charles: Reverend, your fee is now forfeit.
Reverend: I am not surprised. After some reflection, I doubted your sincerity in ever paying it anyway.
Elizabeth: What is the Reverend speaking of father?
Charles: The Reverend attempted to extort money from me.
Reverend: I did nothing of the sort. Charles offered a bribe.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Why doesn't that surprise me. Want another drink, Your Ladyship?
Her Ladyship: I believe I will, sir.

The birds lose their feathers

2004-04-05T20:30:00.000-07:00

Mr. Codswallop: That Southern Hemispheric fellow Darren Rowse of Blogger Idol appears to have taken a rather feathery approach this week.
Mr. Flapdoodle: He is making pillows? I heard he was starting a new business.
Mr. Codswallop: No. His topic for the week's Blogger Idol is "birds of a feather".
Mr. Flapdoodle: I saw that show once. The ladies were nude, except for the feathers.
Mr. Codswallop: I do not believe your rather purient thoughts are pertinent to the discussion.
Mr. Flapdoodle: The feathers on those birds sure were. They were very strategically placed, if you get my drift.
Mr. Codswallop: I believe that the discussion was to centre around birds.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Yep, they were sure some hot looking birds alright.
Mr. Codswallop: If you would listen a trifle more attentively, you would understand that birds under consideration are of the flying variety.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Oh, I get you now. You are talking about flight attendants. I really like those ladies. Did I ever tell you about my flight to...
Mr. Codswallop: I am not interested in your tales, and I am positive that no one else is either.
Mr. Flapdoodle: We were in the air over what I'll call a major American city.
Mr. Codswallop: Does a coverup of the metropolis's identity have any bearing on the story?
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well no, but were in the air a mile high, if you know what I mean.
Mr. Codswallop: Have you no dignity at all? That sort of behaviour is so juvenile.
Mr. Flapdoodle: And fun too.
Mr. Codswallop: Our readers would get more benefit from out chat, if we discussed bird droppings, rather than bird feathers.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Well, the birds did drop their carefully placed feathers later in the show. It was very revealing, I must say.
Mr. Codswallop: Does everything in life lead you to think about some lurid sexual deviation.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Mostly.
Mr. Codswallop: Mostly? Do you mean to say that you do not think of sex one hundred percent of your waking moments?
Mr. Flapdoodle: No. Sometimes I think about partying.
Mr. Codswallop: Do you ever consider concentrating on work instead.
Mr. Flapdoodle: No. Why would anyone want to do that? Unless there were beautiful women at work. Then I would think about work.
Mr. Codswallop: When were you going to discuss birds, as prescribed in the Blogger Idol outline?
Mr. Flapdoodle: I have been thinking about the lovely birds the entire time. Where were you?
Mr. Codswallop: Thinking seriously about flying the coop.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Is that a new position?

Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel L

2004-04-04T21:31:00.000-07:00

Charles Stuart: Are you ready to start your journey down the aisle my dear?
Elizabeth: Yes, father. Let us begin.
Charles: The first steps toward our glorious future.
Elizabeth: And I shall be married.
Charles: Do not worry my dear. We can get the marriage annulled at any time.
Elizabeth: We shall think of those things another day. After all, this is my wedding day.
Charles: The music is starting. Let us begin our walk.
Elizabeth: You are stepping on my dress.
Charles: Can those follish girls not hold up the train? Must I constantly be surrounded by incompetence.
Elizabeth: The flower girl looks very pretty.
Charles: She is from Joseph's family.
Elizabeth: There is no ring bearer this time.
Charles: They let that ridiculous Flapdoodle keep the ring> He has also usurped Joseph's rightful place as best man.
Elizabeth: Her Ladyship seemed to enjoy that development.
Charles: What are you talking about?
Elizabeth: Oh, nothing that would concern you. We are almost to the alter. Do try to smile.
Charles: How can one smile with that pathetic Codswallop as the groom, despite his lineage?
Elizabeth: He does have his charms, you know.
Charles: They appear to be very well hidden from public view.
Elizabeth: You should look more closely.
Charles: I have absolutely no intention of getting anywhere near him, or his imbecilic friend Flapdoodle either.
Elizabeth: Shhh. We are there.
Charles: Make this fast Reverend. You know the value of a smoothly run ceremony, I trust. I will brook no foolishness on your part.
Reverend (whispering): My Lord, we are about to begin.
Mr. Flapdoodle: He's already praying. This is going to be a long one.
Charles: Silence!
Mr. Flapdoodle: Hey Chuck! Get back to your chair, or bench, or whatever it's called.
Mr. Codswallop: It is usually referred to as a pew.
Mr. Flapdoodle: They smell too? Now I know why I avoid churches.
Reverend (loudly): Dearly beloved...

Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel XLIX

2004-04-03T22:03:00.000-08:00

Reverend: Is your friend going to be long? The service must begin on time.
Mr. Flapdoodle: He is in the bathroom. He has the runs. You know how when your nerves...
Reverend: I get the picture.
Mr. Flapdoodle: You know, my Cousin Ira used to get the runs all the time. You mentioned the police, and well...
Reverend: I really do not want to know about your family's digestive systems.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Usually a couple of good belts from Mr. McGillicutty's home brew would cure anything that ails you.
Reverend: I shall try to forget that remedy as soon as possible.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Here's Codswallop now!
Mr. Codswallop: Sorry for the delay. I was otherwise engaged.
Mr. Flapdoodle: I thought you just went to the bathroom. You got engaged again?
Mr. Codswallop: Have you got the ring?
Mr. Flapdoodle: What ring?
Mr. Codswallop: The wedding ring that I entrusted to your care. It is very ancient and may have been struck by the alien Anunnaki themselves.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Oh, that ring. I gave it to some sweet young thing outside the church. We are meeting after the wedding to celebrate.
Mr. Codswallop: How dare you give that ring away.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Keep your pants on. I've got it. I was only fooling.
Mr. Codswallop: I am off to the lavatory again. That near loss of the ring almost gave me a heart attack.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Hurry back. I think Chuck and Cyrus will be looking for you.
Reverend: Has he gone to the loo once more?
Mr. Flapdoodle: He has a girl named Lou too? Wow. He is more popular with the ladies than I thought.
Uncle Cyrus: Where is that nephew of mine.
Mr. Flapdoodle: He is busy...
Reverend: He was momentarily detained.
Mr. Flapdoodle: And he had to go to the bathroom too.
Uncle Cyrus: This wedding is taking far too long to be started, let alone completed.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Don't worry Cy. I have the ring. I think.
Uncle Cyrus: If you have lost that ring, you will pay dearly.
Reverend: He has the ring in his possession. He seems to enjoy tormenting people about where it is located at present.
Mr. Flapdoodle: You sure are a spoil sport. I'll bet you were a tattle tale in school too, right Rev?
Reverend: Here comes the groom again. Perhaps we can begin very shortly.
Mr. Flapdoodle: Ah, there is Her Ladyship of Manor Pyle.
Her Ladyship: Hello, Flapdoodle. You do look look handsome today.
Mr. Flapdoodle: You look great yourself. Have you done something new with your hair?
Her Ladyship: Yes, I have. Do you like it?
Uncle Cyrus: That is enough out of you two. Silence.
Mr. Flapdoodle: He is big on silence. I think he has ear trouble like my Uncle Hiram.
Reverend: Let us begin.
Mr. Codswallop: Let us not.

Codswallop Chronicles: A Novel XLVIII

2004-04-02T21:31:00.000-08:00

Charles Stuart: Are you prepared for the ceremony, my dear.
Elizabeth Stuart: Yes Father. I am ready.
Charles: You will not have to remain married to that imbecilic Codswallop for long. All you have to do is bear an heir.
Elizabeth: We'll worry about that later.
Charles: Yes, my dear. We have more important and pressing matters.
Elizabeth: Do you like my dress.
Charles: Yes, I suppose for the price of it.
Elizabeth: Perhaps you should concern yourself less with price and more with what is valuable.
Charles: Yes. Yes. Of course. Is Her Ladyship ready to serve as your Maid of Honour?
Elizabeth: Yes, she has kindly given her consent.
Her Ladyship of Pyle Manor: Thank you for that privilege and honour Elizabeth.
Charles: The only blemish on the entire affair, is that oafish Flapdoodle, serving in the capacity of best man.
Her Ladyship: Oh. Really?
Charles: I can have him removed from the premises, and arrested if you prefer.
Her Ladyship: I have no real objections.
Elizabeth: Perhaps it will help the ceremony go more smoothly.
Charles: Whatever you wish, my dear.
Her Ladyship: Is Flapdoodle dressed in formal wear?
Charles: Yes, surprisingly.
Her Ladyship: Hmmm. This could be interesting.
Charles: Well ladies, are you ready to take your places.
Her Ladyship: Good luck Elizabeth.
Elizabeth: You too.
Charles: Come on. We do not have all day.